I'm a snob...

So, i think i'm a total ultrasound snob. I don't mean to be, it's just the fertility clinic has totally spoiled us....and yes, i'm totally blaming them!! :)

So, i went for a ultrasound yesterday at the regular obgyn's office...they did the ultrasound on the outside....and can i just say that it sucked!! I couldn't even see the baby, i had NO IDEA what i was looking at, i couldn't see the heart beating right away, i couldn't even tell there was a baby in there..... of course the ultrasound tech was all, oh there's an arm, there's it's fingers, oh there's the bones in it's face...i'm like, um, where are you seeing all this....totally disappointed. I even apologized to my mom, who we brought along so she could see the baby, and i was like sorry mom, that ultrasound totally sucked. LOL.... The good thing is i did eventually see the heartbeat and pointed it out to my mom and then the baby had hiccups. It was so cute!!! Also the clot is getting way smaller, so that's good. Anyways, she gave me a picture of the blurry, fuzzy, dark blob that's suppose to be my baby and i compared to my last weeks ultrasound at the clinic and it's totally night and day, the clinic's is super clear, i mean last week i saw the baby's little nubby fingers doing the robot....this week i barely could make out the baby.... so, it's official - i am an ultrasound snob. I seriously was about to ask the tech if we could just do an internal one, cuz i wanted to see my baby. :)

So, next appointment in two weeks, probably won't get another ultrasound then, which will be weird that i won't see the baby til we find out the gender.....

i've really have gotten a whole new appreciation for the amazing journey that a baby takes... i mean, we've seen our baby from the moment it was an embyro...all the way to a day before 10 weeks. We've seen it start from a yolk sac to a tiny flickering beating heart alien looking thing to a tiny little baby doing the robot and having hiccups. It it just amazing to watch a baby grow into life....... and to think that all this in such a short amount of time.

I'm 10 weeks today, officially in double digits and i am so happy. I've been crying lately (thanks hormones)for no reason...but today, i have a reason....when i think about how far we've come and everything we've been through. From the cold winter night 2 days before Christmas in 2008 when we were told we'd never have children, to all the testing I had to under go in 2009 and all the pain, the anger, the confusion, the hurt.... that Hubby and i have come out stronger and to making that decision up north sitting on the dock with my parents that IVF was the way we were going to go so we could have a family, all those tears for what was lost, but also all the smiles and happiness for what was to come. The anger when i had to give myself daily shots, but also the hope for being pregnant and having a family. The heartbreak and devastation when the 1st round didn't work, the low blow that we felt that made it hard to breathe. To the realization that we can try again and working together to make it a reality to the pure and raw indescribable emotion of happiness and pure bliss we felt when we got the call that we were indeed pregnant. To all the emotions felt since then - nervousness, happiness, scared, confused, worried, joy.....to today, knowing that i've made it to 10 weeks....i am almost done with 1st trimester and i can NOT wait to feel this baby moving....that moment will be amazing.

FFRRREEEDDDOOOMMMMM

That's right ya'all, i have some freedom!!! no more stuck in bed 24/7....i can actually move down to the couch and lay there all day if i so choose....lol. I can also walk around a bit more, like doing more of my job and not just having to sit there with my feet up. I can also go out to the movies if i want to or go out to dinner at a restaurant. I can also do the dishes, and put them away...as long as they are not too heavy. I can not take the dog out and i can not vacuum yet. I also can not work out/walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I still have to take it easy and i have to use common sense --the Dr said that basically everything i do is magnified... a normal pregnancy wouldn't need so many restrictions, but mine does since i'm a IVF patient and i'm a bit more delicate. We got to hear the heartbeat on the little Doppler thingy (from the outside) took him awhile and he said we might not hear it, but we sure did hear that little heart beating away....it was so cool. I go in Thurs for a ultrasound so they can check the clot and then we get to peak at the baby...i'm bringing my mom since she's never seen a real live ultrasound, since they didn't do that much when i was born. She's pretty stoked about it, i'm sure she'll cry. Dr said he'll probably check the clot again in 2 week to make sure it's still getting smaller....I was like sweet! I thought i wouldn't see the baby til like 20 weeks....but hearing the heartbeat makes me feel so much better knowing that the baby is in there just floating around.

I think i lost my morning sickness....not that i'm sure that's what i had to begin with, but it sounds like it was a slight version of it. It tends to hit around the lunch hour, so i've been making sure that i snack around 1030 and have a orange about 11am and then eat a lunch and either another orange about an hour after lunch or some cheese, and that's been helping to not make it come..... so now that i wrote that down, i'm sure tomorrow it's going to come in full force.

Other then that -i've been feeling really great. I'm tired a little bit more and i'm sure i will be until i gain some strength back and start slowly getting into the swing of things. Hubby is still not comfortable with me doing more things, i think he really wanted the Dr to say that i can't do anything but lay in bed....but alas, the Dr did not and i wanted hubby to hear it from the Dr that i can do some more things, but i still have to take it easy and use common sense...... i do feel a little better that i get to not be stuck in bed all day....

wrapping paper, bows and babies

Wow, i can't believe 2010 is almost over and that Christmas has just passed. I can truly say i have been given the best gift ever this Christmas, a growing baby...truly a miracle and gift from God.

Appointment went well....baby is looking like a baby now...so freakn' cute. It even did a little robot dance...it has little nubby hands and we saw some legs and feet (2 legs, 2 feet) and it was just amazing....squirming around and being all cute. HR 183. Clot is getting smaller, the width is getting smaller faster then the length, but as long as it's getting smaller. Stopping the suppos. this week and then just continue the PIO shots til Jan...

Feeling emotional lately, the last few days i just start crying for no reason...like on Christmas, my cousin got me a book for the baby, and i was reading it and just started to think about the baby and how far we've come and everything we've been through and then i started crying..... and today, i was watching a movie with the hubby and i just started crying cuz i was thinking about the baby and just wanted to make sure the baby was doing well and i want to get some of my life back, but i am so worried about the baby and just wanting it to be doing so well.... I don't know if it's cuz i know i won't be checking in on it every week anymore and i'm just getting worried or what, but i just want to know my baby is safe and growing and doing well....i just want to get further along and feel the baby moving around. I just want this bloodclot to be healed and gone and i just would love for the rest of the pregnancy to be non eventful.....

I hope you all have a very Merry and blessed Christmas!!

seriously?

Ugh, i think i'm getting morning sickness.....today. So, the last few weeks i'd say that if i didn't eat every few hours then i'd start to feel icky....once i ate, it was fine. Well, today......i ate some lunch and then started to feel icky while i was eating, so then i thought well, i'll just eat a little more and see if that helps....well it did for about 2 seconds and then i felt icky again....and it last all freakn day... until i ate a ice cream cone from McDonald's....and then i felt much better. Strange. I'm feeling okay now too that i've had some pizza, which i was also really wanting while i was getting the ice cream cone.... so, i dunno what it is...i'm assuming it's 'morning sickness' starting to kick in..... best make sure i bring an orange to work tomorrow in case it kicks in again...this won't be fun....but i guess i can't really complain...i always wanted to be pregnant and i guess sometimes 'morning sickness' is just part of that process.....
Ultrasound tomorrow, i'm super excited and i wonder what baby will look like....and then close out with the fertility clinic...i'm actually kinda sad, i really like the Dr and the nurses.....and i don't like change. But, i'm also excited to work with my reg. obgyn... One day, one moment at a time.

still laying here....

You'd think with all this bed rest going on, i'd be posting here more and getting those photos up here, but the problem is...i'm upstairs and the camera is downstairs...also, have you ever tried typing on a laptop, laying down and making sure the laptop was not on your belly area....yeah, fun times.

Anyhoo....well, last week we were told the clot is getting smaller, so we've been instructed to continue doing what we were doing......ugh. I'm still eating yucky yams and drinking OJ by the gallons.....oranges are my new favorite snack and tomato's are pretty tasty too.

Being pregnant and being on bed rest don't really go together.....although if it means i'll have a normal, healthy pregnancy from here on out, by all means i'll do it....but i could not even begin to imagine having to be on full bed rest at like 21 weeks....super duper hard. My hubby's cousin was put on hospital bed rest towards the end of her pregnancy and she told me do what i have to so i can stay home....def. don't have to tell me twice.

The negative thing about being on bed rest is that i literally eat and lay down..... the only movement i do is when i get up to go to the bathroom....sooooo needless to say, i'm starting to freak out a little about weight gain. I don't know if i have gained weight, but i'm pretty sure i have since i'm just plan out non-active..... all the books i've read have been like you should not gain weight in 1st trimester....great...that went right out the window....plus i have a sister who is 19weeks along and she barely has a bump...so of course she'll get to stay active and skinny during pregnancy...i get to be non-active and turn into a rolly pollie. I know our pregnancies are different, just like our body types are totally different, but still...for once i would like some good body things to happen...ya know. I know, i have no right to complain about anything pregnancy related..... but this is my one area that is really hard for me... i mean, i would not trade places with anyone, because even if i am going to be a rolly pollie, at least it means i'm pregnant. But, i just don't want to get overly huge.....and i know some of that comes from people going to compare me and my sister, since we're both pregs at the same time...but, i hope they won't judge tooo much... i mean, if i could at least walk a few times a week and lift weights, i'd feel sooo much better about things...but i can't....and i know it won't last forever....it's only temporary and if i have to take it easy my whole pregnancy, then so be it...i know i can work out after baby comes.....ugh.

yams are

so disgusting..... i can not stand them and gag every time i have to put them in my mouth.... tonight, we tried puree them and mixing with scrambled eggs....ugh, still gross...no amount of ketchup covered their nasty taste up...

now that that's out...... had a follow up apt today...... drum roll....
baby's heart beat 155! It's a girl!!! LOL - there's that old wives tale that says anything above 140 is a girl, below is a boy. So, today it's a girl...or it's just from all that stinking' OJ i've been drinking....lol
Baby was looking strong and great...it was the most amazing little blob... this weekend i'm hoping to get pictures of all the pictures we've gotten...it's really amazing to see the lil' guy grow... we also heard the heartbeat again....seriously, that is just such an amazing sound.....truly, such a wondrous amazing thing that God has allowed us to create life...to hear the beating heart, to know i have life inside me, that this is not about me or the hubby, that our lives are going to change in a short 7 months....i have a life growing and changing and fighting for life....amazing!!!
The other good news is that although the clot is still there, it is smaller...yeah! She said my uterus looked very happy today ...last week my uterus was VERY angry... and no contraction either, the baby has lots of room to move around...woot!
So, restrictions at work and bed rest when i'm not at work are continued until the clot is gone...it's working, so we're told to stick to it. I have one more follow up with the fertility clinic, next week and then i'm released to my obgyn. Which i'll have that apt at the end of the month already...cool.
I'm still on endometrim supps. and PIO shots til at least the beginning of Jan...that's when the placenta will take over and that will make progesterone for my body....the ovaries are suppose to be doing that, but because we suppressed them, that's why i'm on the suppos and PIO shots.
So, here's hoping next week the clot is even smaller and the baby continues to be awesome and strong and grow.... :)
Thank you all for your positive thoughts and prayers sent out to the universe...they are working...

we have a heartbeat...again

Had my follow up and here’s what we’ve got—

A growing baby, who’s heart rate has increased and is perfect….. my due date is about July 30th or Aug 1st. I'm measuring 6wks 4days, which is just perfect.

Concerns: I have quite the subchronic bleed- which caused the bleeding on Saturday. Basically, it will either continue to come out or will be reabsorbed, the good news is that it has clotted, so it’s not an active bleed. I am to drink lots of OJ, eat oranges, tomatoes and yams. I am on pelvic rest and limited bed rest.

I also have a tiny uterine contraction – which could be from all the freakn' stress and activity that’s going on in there.

Geez….i can’t wait to get into 2nd trimester….but, one day, one moment at a time…

So, please continue the good thoughts and prayers that the baby continues to stay strong and all this stuff clears up.

7 hours at the ER.....

that's how i spent my Saturday morning and early afternoon. If you don't want to read the gory details...then i'd suggest you skip the main part and start reading at the end by the astrick....
So, i began brown spotting on tuesday, told it could be the meds...no big deal...blah blah blah...went and saw that we had ONE baby growing up in there on wednesday....spotting had pretty much tapered off...well, thrs PM and friday i started spotting brown again...but this time it was staying on my panty liner...nothing major, but it was def. on the panty liner. Friday PM put in my med b4 bed and didn't have anything on the applicator and nothing when wiped ...great, i thought, it's going away...yeah! I woke up at 1am on Saturday, peed and nothing on the TP when i wiped...again, thought awesome. Then at just about 5am, i woke up with pressure/discomfort in my bum and thought maybe i had to poop...nope, just peed and passed gas...then i wiped and there was red on the TP...a lot, then i turned around and looked in the toilet and more red....i thought, okay, well, if i'm miscarrying, there's nothing a dr can do...i'll just lay down.... Keep in mind we had a huge snow storm going on at this time as well...and i HATE driving in the snow. So, i laid down going back and forth in my head if i should 1-call the hubby, 2-go to the ER or 3-just stay home. I wasn't cramping, so i thought okay, well, i'm def. NOT cramping....about a 1/2 hr later i ended up having to pee again and this time i felt the blood coming out, i looked on the floor and there was some blood on the floor from the 1st time that i had looked in the toilet....i cleaned that up, put on a pad and decided i needed to go to the ER, i thought maybe i tore something on the inside and i was slowly going to bleed to death. I thought about calling 911, but i was like well, i don't feel light headed or anything...so i should be able to drive myself. I called the hubby who was at work and told him i was going to the ER. So, off i went driving about 10 mph....surprisingly, i was relatively calm, i cried off and on and i talked to the baby and i did A LOT of prayers to God. I got to the ER around 615am, and as soon as i was there, i lost it, i just started balling....the nurses were soooo sooo nice to me..... it really made all the difference. One nurse was like i did fertility treatments too and bleed the whole 9 months and i'm like omg, that totally blows. Another nurse said that a lot of women will bleed during pregnancy and everything will be okay. I got into a room and they took a urine sample and blood work.... i was there for about an hour b4 the hubby was able to get there from work....and then we waited....about 8/9am, they sent me for a ultrasound, which i needed a full bladder for....after 3 trips to the bathroom, the ultrasound tech was like yah, your bladder is still full...okay, seriously, did it shrink or something? If i was worried i was dehydrated, at least i knew i wasn't..... anyways, they did an external ultrasound...so fun when you have a full bladder and then she did an internal ultrasound...she spent a good 15min or longer (at least that's how long it felt) with each ultrasound....lots of clicks and such, i couldn't see the screen though....hubby could see it...and this lady told us NOTHING...i'd ask questions, and she's be like well, i'm not a dr, i can't say anything. The hubby recognized the baby from the ultrasound on weds. and was like oh, is that the yolk sac and the lady did say yes. So, i relaxed a little cuz i knew there was def. something still in there....then i heard a dathumpdadumpdathump...and she said, that was your babies heartbeat. I still get teary thinking about that moment.....the 1st time we got to hear our babies heartbeat.....it truly was such an amazing beautiful sound...i will never forget that moment....and of course i cried, but they were happy tears cuz knowing we had a heartbeat, when just 3 days before we could see it...oh, it made me feel a little better. So, then we waited some more, played charades to kill some time and then the Dr came and and said that we did have a live baby and it had a heartbeat, however he said that it was slow, and although it is normal for a baby to have a slow heartbeat sometimes, as some babies just do, because i had the bleeding, he was concerned. He then did an internal examine to make sure my cervix was closed and it was. The on call dr for the fertility clinic called us back and basically said that 2 out of 3 FET patients will have bleeding and 95% of those pregnancies turn out normal. He was not concerned with the heart rate and stated that as long as their was a fetal heart rate it didn't matter what it was, it was there and i needed to follow up with the office on monday. So, that's what i'll be doing 1st thing i wake up tomorrow. I'd say the bleeding finally stopped after awhile and by like 11amish or a little earlier it was turning pinkish when i wiped....but no new blood on my pad, which the nurse checked a few times.... at one point she was like, is this okay that your husband is here while we do this, and i'm like uh, yeah, at this point, he's seen it all....Man, i am so over my vagina....i don't know how i'm going to handle being in labor pains and having drs and nurses sticking their hands up there...ugh. So....no cause of the bleeding....it did taper off b4 i left and i put myself on bed rest. It has tapered off to a dark brown now, no new red blood though, so that makes me feel better....i am spotting now, and sometimes when i wipe there's really nothing on the TP, which makes me feel better too. My HCG level did go up...so that made me feel better too.

++So, heard the sweetest sound ever, which is our little baby's heartbeat and hcg level did go up, bleeding stopped and has now tapered off to brown spotting. No cramping or any pain. and my hubby wins the bestest hubby ever award for catering to my every need... i love him and appreciate him taking care of everything so i don't have to worry about it. He deserves some serious vacation time... :)

For the praying type, please pray for our baby, that it's safe and growing and it's little heart is continuing to beat...thank you!!

ew

So, ever since i became pregnant - i think i'm starting to turn into a germaphobe. Seriously. I went to the court house yesterday and all i could think about was how gross and nasty and germy the place was.... i REALLY really wished i had had my hand santizer....all i was thinking was omg, my poor baby porkchop is going to get sick.... yikes..what's going to happen when they are here, and exposed to such germs? ugh. 5 more days and then we see our baby again and hopefully a beautiful heartbeat. The brown bleeding as started up again, and now it's ending up on my pantyliner.... i'm thankful that it's brown still and i don't have any cramping....
I just hope my bean is doing okay in there and growing away like crazy.

Please continue the prayers and good thoughts that my baby is doing awesome and that we see a heartbeat!

HPTs

And here's the tests....the last one being on 11/30, in the PM - i love that the test line is super darker then the control line....woot!




and for those of you wondering..... We have ONE cute lil' bean growing up in my womb... Once i take that picture i'll upload it.... next week we go in for another ultrasound and hopefully see the heartbeat.

scare

So, today i woke up and wiped and there was brown on the toilet paper. Needless to say.....i tried really hard to stay calm. I know that brown blood is old blood, but it's still not anymore comforting when you see it on the TP. I have no cramping and it's not red....the nurse said to call again if i get cramping or it turns red. She said the meds i'm on can sometimes cause that (the brown blood) to happen and as long as i have no cramping....to not worry about it.... ha, easier said then done. Maybe i did to much yesterday....we are having a holiday party and i'm trying to get the house cleaned and decorated...but, after this mornings scare.....to bad if it's only 1/2 decorated....i doubt my friends are really going to care that i don't have enough decor up ....lol. So, please say some extra prayers that the babies are okay in there and that this brown stuff goes away so i can relax a little more. I'm glad i have an apointment tomorrow to see the babies, so hopefully that will be reasuring as well...although we probably won't see much....

the things you do..

so, is it weird that i've poas like 5 billion times 7 times and they are all lined up on my bathroom counter so i can look at them? LOL. i LOVE poas....i LOVE seeing those two lines show up super fast or the little plus sign...LOVE IT!! I don't know when this poas obsession will end...maybe once we hear the heartbeats....oh who am i kidding..... i'll probably poas until i give birth... :)

2 more days and then we find out if it's one or two!!! I am so excited....can't wait. I pray that everything is growing the way it should and that we'll have an awesome ultrasound.

So....the debate in the house is whether or not we should find out the gender. Forever, i always wanted it to be a surprise cuz there's only so many surprises in life....but lately, i kinda feel like i've waited so long and worked so hard to get pregnant, i'm not sure i really wanna wait...i wanna talk to my baby(ies) with their names and buy them cute lil' outfits.... there's like nothing out there for gender neutral...which is lame-o. I mean, not that that stops me from getting oneis...some lil' outfits are def. boy outfits, but whatev...if it's a girl, i'll just put a bow in her hair...lol. The Hubby totally wants to know what we're having.... if we have twins, i told him we could find out on one and the other would be secret...lol.... I know we have a few months b4 we have to know...... I just want to see them, i want to hear and see their heartbeats and then i'll feel so much better about everything.

I thought for sure i'd be buying lil' outfits like crazy for our lil' ones, but alas, i have not...i think i just wanna hear the heartbeats and then i feel like i can buy some things.

I feel like now that we're pregnant, there's a whole new bag of worries.... i have NO IDEA what i have to stay away from and anything i google it's like everything but air is dangerous....tap water vs bottled water.....soap, shampoos, face wash, food...ah!! I refuse to google anymore, cuz it's just making me crazy.... i know the big stuff like deli meat (which i can eat if it's cooked), i'm limiting my PB intake since apparently pg ladies who eat pb can pass along a peanut allergy, no aspartame, caffeine, and i'm drinking tap water, since it's regulated by the government and bottled water is not....and then yesterday a friend was talking about hand soap and the chemicals in that...i'm like what? so i'm going to try to find some chemical free soap...or something.

One day at a time, one moment at a time....wednesday will be another big step we have to get through and then the following week to hear the heartbeats....one moment at a time....

5 weeks

Wow, i'm already 5 weeks along- if i'm going by a July 29th due date....
So....beta #1 - 796
beta #2 - 2245
I have a friend in the neighborhood who also did IVF/FET's and she is currently pregnant with twins...her 2nd beta was 2150. Yeah, so needless to say hubby is FREAKN' out about the idea of twins......
me, eh....i'm okay with the idea....i mean, i'm not naive that it's going to be hard and that it's going to be crazy and i'm going to have post it notes EVERYWHERE .......but i'm okay with the idea...i think. Ask me on Wednesday when we find out....

Yup, so Wednesday we have our ultrasound to find out if there are one or two in there.....we won't see much other then some sacs and making sure they are where they should be and that there's nothing going on that shouldn't be.

I still am feeling great, but def. have been taking it super easy.....probably more so then i really should, but i don't want to risk anything....so i want to take it easy as much as i can. The house won't be as decorated as it normally is for the holidays and i might not be able to make all cookies i usually make for cookie exchanges (def. going to have to be some easy stuff) and i'm just going to have to take it easy.... Hubby gets Hubby of the year award for sure...he's been doing a lot around the house and i totally appreciate it, i feel guilty but when i try to help he banishes me to the couch and tells me to stay there. I listen, cuz well, i've got a life growing up in there.... :)

I have heartburn and the last few days i've noticed i'm peeing a little more...oh and i'm thirsty a lot too...

For those that read this that continue to struggle with your fertility, know that i'm always saying prayers for you....you are in my heart and i hope that your miracles will come too! Never give up...

Looking forward to this new journey to parenthood....i'm looking forward to picking out baby stuff and registering and just watching my body change and grow and feel the baby or babies and just enjoy the moments. Surprisingly enough, i haven't bought one baby item since becoming pregnant, i always thought that would be the 1st thing i do..instead i keep buying pregnancy tests and poas about 1-2 times a day just to watch the lines show up or for it to say PREGNANT or YES+
Soooo cool.

O.M.G!!

I AM PREGNANT! OMG!
This has been an AMAZING day!!! I can't even begin to describe the feelings. No matter what happens, i am enjoying every single moment and we could not be happier to know we are going to be parents. This has been a dream i have been waiting for, for 3 years....i finally got to POAS (pee on a stick) and it said YES+ LOL.....OMG! I am PREGNANT!!!!! I am going to be a mom...i'm a mommy!!!! OMG!!! Hubby is a daddy and Clover is a big sister....OMG!

Beta#1 - 796, anything over 100 is what they were looking for.
Progesterone - 10.9, anything over 10 is great.

I just felt it the last day or two...i woke up today and i just jumped out of bed and just 'knew'....this whole cycle has been just different....
When going through my IVF cycle, i prayed and wished for signs and wanted to see a shooting star...etc.... well, after we decided that we were going to go forward with the FET, i saw 2 shooting stars like 3-4 days apart..like BIG ones....no doubt about it shooting stars..... i saw a full double rainbow on the way to one of my appointments...and today, i wore my lucky socks and undies....and i saw deer on the way to my appointment...i also saw 1 deer on saturday...and i was thinking about if the FET worked...so i had my signs this time....lots of them.....and then the heart burn that kicked in on about Friday.....my mom said she had heartburn early on too with all us kids.... It's fun to compare things with my sister, to see what she's gone through and what i'm experiencing....it's just awesome! Even more awesome that we're expecting!! I can't believe it...I'm pregnant!!!

With Thanksgiving just another day away, I am thankful for the struggles, although i would prefer we need not endure such things, it makes the good times and happiness sweeter and more meaningful, i'm thankful for technology and miracles, i'm thankful for rainbows and shooting stars, lucky undies and socks and most of all i am thankful for my wonderful and supportive and fun loving family and friends and my fantastic hubby too!! Happy Happy Thanksgiving!!!

time is going so S.l.o.w.l.y

so slow....like turtle walking slow.... man, the 2WW was a breeze compared to these hours just waiting. Got poked at 8am and should know hopefully by 2 or 3pm. So, i told the nurse to call my work if it's positive....otherwise call my cell - which just so happens to be sitting at home cuz the hubby took my cell phone last night and i didn't get to see him this morning before i left for the dr. apt. She said she should get the results back by 2 or 3pm. I have a meeting at 315, so i'm hoping i get a call AT WORK so i can be beaming in the meeting.... :) I have my lucky undies and socks on....so, we'll see if they really are lucky..lol. Although, i know realistically, socks and undies aren't going to make me pregnant.....but, whatever helps right? Stay tuned....hoping i get to post some pretty exciting news soon......

Me again......don't wanna jinx it, but i kinda have a good feeling about tomorrow...but then i start to get excited about the possibility, that i have to pull myself back....i mean, it really could go either way tomorrow..... i have still no symptoms of anything....the ONLY thing i can tell is a little tiny bit different then normal and could be totally blamed on the meds is i have some killer heartburn/indigestion/burps...for almost a week.
I think i'm going to have the Dr office call me at work if it's positive....and that way i also will kinda know....ya know, if they don't call the office, then i know...without being told ...ya know.....and i can kinda be prepared for the bad news if i get some....but i'm still totally holding out for the happy, good news....

nervous....

I am so nervous about tomorrow. I've still been feeling great.... but i am soooo nervous about tomorrow. Like i am on the verge of tears....i just don't want to have to deal with the disappointment....i don't want to go through the holidays not pregnant...again. I don't want to have to put on a smiley face when my sister talks about her pregnancy, i don't want to have to grin and bear it when my co-worker talks about how fantastic and in love with her little baby she is...i don't want to have to be strong.....
i know, pretty pessimistic thoughts...i flip flop all the time.... i want this so badly. and i know if it doesn't work, that i can cry and be sad and when my period comes, i will be sad again and cry some more, but i also feel like i'll be just going through the motions...i feel like i've been guarded this round....i mean, i talk to my babies and say a prayer every night for them...but it's not the same as it was last time...and its a good different....but it's different.
Last time my dreams where about positive HPTs(tests) this time, i've dreamt of babies...my babies. Some dreams there were twins, some there was just only one....
I hope i get to celebrate the holidays knowing i have a life or two growing inside me, i want to wear maternity clothes at Christmas, i want to see my belly big for a reason and not just cuz it's full of fat, but because there is a life or two growing in there. I just want this struggle to be over....i will never forget this journey to parenthood and i feel that my relationship with my hubby is stronger because of it....but i don't know how much harder we can try and not have the ultimate goal not be reached without it breaking us down....
Our ultimate goal is to have a family of our own....how or when we get there is anyones guess...but i hope it's soon. :)
Prayers for strength and courage .....

gobble, gobble

i'm very much looking forward to eating turkey pancakes on Thanksgiving... luckily, hubby and i will have our own little Thanksgiving and get to eat all the yummy food i look forward to gobblin' up...turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing...yum!

Still not feeling any different....talked to someone who mentioned that i have to keep my 'eye on the prize'.....the end result, which is to have a family.....i don't know when it's going to happen or how...but the end goal is that we want a family. Tuesday is almost here.......i'll go in before work, get my blood drawn and then sometime that afternoon i'll get a call that i'll let go to my voicemail and then when i get home, hubby and i will listen to the message.

Here's hoping that i have a little turkey and pumpkin pie cooking up in my oven... ;)

argh

I'm not feeling very optimistic about this round.....i dunno, it's just i don't want it to not work. I just don't feel any different..i just feel totally normal. I remember last time, i felt bloated and nauseous, i woke up at the wee hours of the morning to potty, i just felt icky....this time, although i wake up anywhere between 1-3am, i just lay there and eventually fall back to sleep. This morning(at like 2am) i woke up with cramps, i just wanted to cry...... I dunno if it's normal, i don't know if it means it didn't work, i don't know if it was just gas and that i'm constipated...i dunno....i just don't have much hope for this round....

I feel like everything lined up perfectly this time, even more so perfectly then last time.... i have this clematis(don't know if that's the right spelling, but mine make purple flowers) that didn't bloom all summer, and then when i cam back from my IVF transfer, i saw two beautiful flowers that had bloomed....i took it to mean good things, but they withered away shortly after. Then, when we began this FET cycle, guess what, 2 new beautiful flowers bloomed like towards the end of October...and are still hanging on...... I never gave up hope on that flower (i thought it was a goner in the spring) and yet it still flourished and bloomed....so why am i so easy to give up on my embryos?

I just feel different this time, i feel like it's a good different, but it's just different.... i was reading on a friends page and this is what was posted...i feel like i needed to read that today......

"faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty. Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!"

bed rest is overah!

Well, my 3 days of bed rest are OVER!! It wasn't toooo bad, it's just DH and i are on total opposite schedules, so when i'm awake, he's trying to sleep.....what does that mean for me..it meant i sat on the Internet trying to keep entertained, while i could not watch tv (it's to loud) and i couldn't have lights on (it's to bright)....or i slept. DH did really well, catering to my every need....well, almost. lol There were some days around lunch time that i was STARVING and staring down DH as he slept trying to subconsciously wake him up so i could eat. Yesterday i was sooo hungry i was getting light headed......LOL. Poor DH. Soooo...now i can get my own meals and such....

i still am going to take it easy today and tomorrow, from what i've read, these are the days they're implanting....so i hope that is what they are doing. i was a little crampy yesterday, so that's why i decided to stay in bed the whole day yesterday....i looked it up and from what i've read, slight cramping is normal....

It still doesn't feel real, i mean i pray every night for our babies, but i feel like i could run a marathon, last time, not so much, i was still sore and bloated. I'm trying not to think tooo much about it, which i know is me trying to guard my heart....i just don't want to not have this work again.... last time i didn't have to remember to take it easy, this time, it's like i have to remind myself that i can't go work out today, cuz per Dr's orders, that's a no-no. Beta day (the blood test to determine if i'm pregnant) can't come soon enough.....

boring...

bed rest is BORING!! Now that i have that off my chest...
So, my sister's announcement day went way better then i thought it would....i didn't cry, i celebrated and all was well...it was much more low key then i had imagined in my mind....
Had my FET yesterday (11/10/10) and it went well. I wore my 'lucky socks'....those would be my 4 leaf clover socks :) and my lucky undies (peace signs all over them) and my Clover shirt (so the whole family was represented) LOL. Hopefully it works!!

I've been on 'bed rest' since yesterday....paperwork says 'couch potato' for 48 hours.....but, since i did 'couch rest' last time...kinda....this time, i'm in bed until at least friday afternoon.....only getting up to go potty and take meds... Hubby has been great getting me things and catering to his PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) wife.....he's also quite the best rest police....along with the dog, who has been sitting at attention next to the bed....poor dog....she's falling asleep and her head starts to drop...it's like dog, lay down...i promise i won't get up. LOL Hubby totally deserves lots after these three days....he's been awesome and i know he's probably feeling a little overwhelmed having to be up and down and grab meds (which happen to be all the wrong ones) and have to go back downstairs and take the dog out and clean and laundry....i told i can help but he says NO! Stay in bed.....

This time, it doesn't seem real....The first time, maybe it was because it was so much more evasive, i had 3 shots a night, suppos. and patches and blood work and ultrasounds every other day for 2 weeks towards the end.....then it's the retrieval when they knock you out and poke ya and you're sore and bloated and uncomfortable and then they do the transfer and at that time you do all this work and just want your babies back in you...ya know. Well, with the FET, it's just soooooo much easier and less stressful and evasive.... I don't know if it's that i'm like 'detached' from the process since i've been there, done that, so it's like i know what to expect or if i'm just more at peace about everything? I feel like things were right this time around .....i dunno.....like i have to remind myself that i'm PUPO....that i'm hopefully growing up some kiddos. I can't believe we did it again....i mean, i talk to the babies and pray that they are snuggling in good for the next 9 months and hubby asks how the babies are doing..... i'm super excitied, but i'm trying to stay grounded too....ya know. Oh, and this time i have NO desire to even want to test early...last time i felt like i struggled with it...this time it hasn't even crossed my mind....

So, sticky vibes please....and good thoughts that the babies are growing strong....Thanks!

woot!

That cool little woot, er BIG woot is for surviving my 2nd PIO shot!! Hubby did great and although i freaked him out more then the needle....all is good. I had to have music, i had to be talking....and hubby just needed silence...LOL. i was shhh'd two times....lol. Ah, we make such a great pair. It hurts a little more then my first shot, but i'll keep the heating pad on it a little longer and it's on the left side, so it's a little harder to massage with my left hand...... i'm sooo soooo glad this shot is over with..now i can fully relax. :)

now we just need our little embabies to thaw awesomely and then they gotta dig in and stick and grow in my uterus!!!

the final days....

before i'm PUPO!!! (pregnant until proven otherwise)
So, you'll all be glad to know my estrogen levels are great!!! My lining as of Wednesday was 9.94. When i did IVF#1 - my lining was at a 10.1. What does that mean....it means the thicker the lining the better and if i had 9.94 Wednesday, i'm hoping my lining will be thicker then 10.1(and it should) by transfer day. Anything over 8 is great...but from what i've been reading/been told, 11 or 12 are even greater numbers. I've had an increase of CM, which is blue...thank you estrace, which i heard is a great sign that my lining is thickening up...i don't remember all this with the 1st round...

Did the dreaded PIO shot and i'm still here to talk about it. Seriously, it was not bad at all!! So, i went away for the weekend and a friend had to do my shot, she's a nurse, so it was a breeze for her and i think that's why it was painless, cuz she's a pro. it hurt for the second the needle goes into the skin, but i had to have her draw it up and such, cuz the large needle was making me sweat a little bit...lol. After the shot, i massaged the area and put a heating pad on it and no pain, even 2 days later and no soreness or anything.....which i heard is what sucks the most...but it's all good so far. I'll let you know if i survive Monday's shot with the hubby...lol.I'm a little nervous about hubby doing the shot, cuz i know he's going to be nervous and i'm going to be nervous and i grantee there will probably be some snarkyness thrown around by both of us, which won't help. But, i just hope we can do this, which i know we will, i just have a feeling it's going to be just a bit more painful.

Today is a big day for me.... when we did round 1, my sister announced her pregnancy...so you can imagine having two sisters, one who is officially knocked up and one who is PUPO....we would have been about 2 1/2-3wks apart..lol. It was a little weird when the IVF didn't work and we had to have some conversations. We were excited about the idea of having babies so close, we discussed a shared baby shower and a shared announcement...which would have been today. This was the one thing we really had kinda 'planned'....the one thing that had a date...the one thing that i'm going to with an empty womb and my sister is going to get to make her announcement. My heart breaks a little today, i would've been in my 10th week.... i think once i'm passed today, things will be a little easier, it's like this day has been hanging over my heart for the past month and once i get pass this, i'm good...ya know what i mean? I'm nervous though, i'm nervous i might cry or be sad....so i have a plan..cuz this is my sister's day and this day is a happy day... i haven't been able to talk to her about how she's going to do it, etc...so i gotta kinda just hang out around 'exits'...so if i get emotional, i can take a 'bathroom' break or a little walk around the neighborhood, i don't think anyone will notice with all the excitement.... So a lot of mixed emotions and i'm trying my best to be nice to myself about it and take it easy on myself and really understand that it's okay to feel this way...we experienced a loss--a loss of hope, a dream, a future, a possibility of being parents. It does make it a little easier that Wednesday(transfer day) is right around the corner...but my meds have changed and the progesterone i think is making me super emotional and tired....which for me isn't a good mix, especially when i'm nervous and anxious about something, it's almost positive that i'll cry.

update

So, i had blood work and ultrasound on Friday - tech said my uterus was BEAUTIFUL! Well,that's good to know....lol. I even got a fancy dancy picture of it that i proudly have hung on the frig. My estrogen level is low, so i've had to add more estrogen then just the patches..... whoo weee....one more thing to shove up in unmentionables...lol.

Got my circles drawn on the backside for target practice which will begin next week...joy. Still feeling good about this cycle and hoping we'll get some great news in the next few weeks.

tears....

this round, although i feel i'm much less anxious and stuff about everything.... i am also much more emotional.... i can cry at the drop of anything.....someone says yellow....i'm balling my eyes out. I see a cute chimerical commercial on tv....tears. FYI-what the h-e-double hockey sticks is a chimerical? that's what came up when i spelled checked commercial....hmmm. I hear Celine Dion went into the hospital...balling. I look at my dog Clover, tears some more. I think about my hubby, i'm balling my eyes out again.....and then i sit there crying and laughing ....laughing cuz i don't know why i'm crying.....LOL...

Anyways, i was reading Mark McGrath's blog he wrote about his fertility struggles and i obviously, started crying reading it but started laughing when i read this piece about those big shots i'm all worried about....so you know why i'm worried about them...he describes them as ....."when I saw the size of the Pulp Fiction-adrenaline style needles that needed to be plunged into her derrière" LOL -and then you all wonder why i'm all worried about getting all Anna Nicole Smith on ya all with a big ole infection in my butt and die.... Ah, the joys of infertility....


You can read the 'blog' here...
http://celebritybabies.people.com/2010/09/29/mark-mcgraths-blog-our-fertility-journey-part-1/

here is part II

http://celebritybabies.people.com/2010/10/06/mark-mcgraths-blog-our-fertility-journey-part-2/

hmmmm

so i have a friend who is expecting her 5th child. I have always wanted to have 5 children.....3 boys, 2 girls....the girls being in the middle, children 3&4....lol.
It's crazy to think that here i always imagined that i'd have a large family, and yet, i don't even know if i'll have a child. And then i think, how crazy is that, if we have 2 at once...lol. I never thought i'd have twins, ever. It's crazy to think that we could have two.....at once. And ya know what, everyone just assumes we would be done having children if we had twins.....like oh, well, you got your two, so why would you even try for more....well, i think we would. I mean, just cuz we have twins doesn't mean i don't want more kids....i mean, if we had to do IVF again, probably wouldn't happen, but if we had embryos left over, maybe i'd do FET's until we used up our eggs..... i suppose we'd explore that option when we get there...

This time around with our FET coming up, Hubby and i were just talking about it today and i said, 'i have a really good feeling about this round' and hubby says, 'honestly, i haven't even really thought it about.' to which i replied, 'well, i've thought about it everyday cuz i've been doing my shots.' And then hubby said, 'well, it'll be more real once i'm giving you a shot in ur butt.' lol. I just don't feel so stressed or anxious about it....the shots aren't consuming my thoughts so much this time around....maybe it's because i know what to expect, maybe because it's a little more natural? I dunno how to explain it. I mean, last time it was like shot time was 8pm.....i would start thinking about the shots b4 i left work and think about how i was going to plan out my evening so i can be done with everything i needed to be done with by 8pm....and then i'd lay on the couch for about 1 hr and go to bed. This time, sometimes i forget about the shots...i'll be watching tv and all of a sudden i think 'shoot, what time is it' and it's like 930pm....phew, didn't miss my shots yet. I'm working out til transfer day this time around too. i dunno, things just feel different...and i hope that's a good sign.

now you see me, now you don't......

and now you see me again...lol. Things have been 'emotional' to say the least. But know that hubby and i are doing okay. Our failed IVF will not define us, nor will our infertility. The way we look at it, is that IVF #1 is just another bump in the road....we've been on this road for almost 3 years now.....we should have just expected this....but on the other hand, i'm glad we were excited and hopeful. Apparently, nothing can be just easy for us, so we just have to work a little harder.

We're gearing up for round 2 - an FET coming up -- I've read that with FET (frozen embryo transfer) are statistically less successful then a fresh transfer (IVF) however, FET's are so much more natural. There has been a lot of info out there that show FET's can be successful because you aren't putting your body through the stress of all the meds and such that you do with a IVF cycle.
With the FET, i will be doing my one lupron shot, which will end by the time i have to begin my PIO (the dreaded shot in the butt)shot, which i will only have to do every 3 days......one of which happens to fall on my birthday.....happy birthday to me, i get a big ass shot in my butt....wooo hoooo!! I will do estrogen patches and the progesterone vag. suppositories again....otherwise, i'm not stimming anything, so that's great.

I was feeling a little uncertain if i was ready to do this again....but after allowing myself to grieve and heal........we're ready to go and we're excited. One thing about having to do more then one cycle, is you literally have to forget what happened last time....otherwise, it'll weigh you down.... So, although we won't forget our 'first 2 babies'...we're excited for the future and hope that if not both, but at least one of our babies this time around will stick. :) I am hopeful and know that if it is going to happen, it will happen.

Have you watched Guiliana and Bill? (Bill was the first apprentice with Donald Trump and Guiliana does the E! channel) Anyways, they have been filming their struggles and monday night they did a IVF cycle....it worked,(she later miscarries unfort.) but it was nice to hear their conversations, since many seemed to come straight from our house...their feelings and fears and all that, is so real....cuz we had those same feelings and fears. And it was great, cuz my family can watch the show and get a better understanding of what we are going through.....they got to see Guiliana after her retrieval and saw how much pain she was in, how uncomfortable she was...now they understand what i went through....they just never got to see it.....kwim... The best part, maybe i'll run into them one day, we just happen to go to the same place...
If you don't watch it, i suggest you do.... Monday nights at 7pm on Style channel.

headaches....

I hate BCP..... they give me headaches. So, well, i survived the end of the end....and DH and i are pretty hopeful for round 2. We talked about it yesterday and it was nice conversation. :) So, i was just looking at my meds schud. and noticed that my very first PIO shot is going to be when i'm away for a scrap booking retreat with some girlfriends. When i think about this, i start to laugh, cuz now i'm not all that worried about the pain, now all i can think about is how this friend has to see my butt...LOL and then give me a shot. This is soo embarrassing for me...i hate butts, there is nothing cute or adorable about butts.... i mean not that i see a ton of ppl's backsides, but still.....it's a butt.

So, hubby and i are going to try and defy nature....we've been switching things up..when we met with the dr, we switched sides we usually sit on when we talk with him...and now we're sleeping on the other side of the bed.....everything about this cycle is going to be different....i'm taking my meds/shots at a different time, i have a new shot, DH has to now give me a shot and i'll change up the music this time too, although.... (I don't wanna lose)your love tonight - by The Outfields....has a good beat. :) I don't know who sings the version i have on CD, but it's a little faster then the orginal...

The end.

I'm probably going to be a wee bit TMI in this post, so if you don't wanna read it....i'm warning you now.

Well, i ended up starting to cramp and spot on Thursday. So, the end was coming. I know we had our official blood work end, but to have my period, was the official end. The end of this cycle, the end of hope, dreams and the future of our babies. By friday i was cramping even more and had a heavy flow, blood clots and every time i wiped and had a blood clot on the toilet paper, i wondered if those where my babies. I bled a lot, at least for me, and was a little worried at first, i only had one other time i had a heavy period with cramps like this, and that was back in November of 2008....i thought i might've been pregnant...i cramped pretty bad and i remember i was shopping at Target and actually left the store i was cramping so much, i had blood clots then and my flow was so heavy i went through the pad i was wearing within the hour.....it was horrible. I have no idea if i actually might've been pregnant or not, but i still can remember that cycle month and I know that it was weird.

So, i was pretty bummed.....but i talked to someone and she justified my feelings... this was more then just a period - this was not a "oh, maybe it worked", darn it didn't....no,i did daily shots, i showed up for ultrasounds and blood work, i grew 18 eggs, we fertilized 9 of those....i saw them put back 2 fertilized eggs, i had 2 fertilized eggs in my uterus. I sang to our babies, i talked to our babies and we loved them so much....... and every time i cramped, every time i felt the blood coming out, every time i looked at those blood clots....i wondered....are those our babies....

My period is beginning to taper off, which means the end of the end is near. This cycle is officially done. I go in to the Dr tomorrow for bldwrk and ultrasound and to make sure my lining is thinning so we can prepare for round 2. This time, although i will not be stimulating my ovaries into the size of plums/ small grapefruits-- i have to do PIO shots....the ones in my butt. Yeah, lets just say i'm still nervous as heck about those and i still think i'm gonna get all Anna Nicole Smith and get an infection in my butt and die. I think i'm going to ask the nurse to draw circles with a sharpie on my butt cheeks so i know hubby knows where he needs to 'stab' me and that way we're more comfortable that he won't hit the bone.........ahhhh!!

new begining....

so had our apt today.... basically i make great eggs and we still have a sperm issue. I responded well to the protocol he put me on and he was happy with the way i responded. Said i did have some fluid in the abdomen, but didn't overstimulate, that's just from producing so many eggs (good thing i drank all that Gatorade!! - when you have OHSS you're suppose to drink gaterade and eat salty snacks) So, we'll do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) next -- not sure when we'll do it, we have holiday's coming up, my birthday and Christmas...soooo.....we dunno. We'll see what happens.... no answers really for what happened....as expected... but basically all was well, it's just natures way....

stronger....

as brittany spears sings in her song Stronger...... "well, i'm stronger then yesterday"..... yup....that i am or i'm still happy with Glee tonight and the ending..... i love finn and rachel!!....
I got a message from a friend who pointed out that i should be proud of myself, how much i've grown through this process and it really touched me..... here i was feeling like i disappointed the world, my husband, my friends, my family, myself, Clover..... and yet, i hadn't even stopped to say - good job J, you did something you never thought you could.... you gave yourself shots when you were scared...you got blood work every other day, you did what you had to do, to get things done. And although i felt like it was all for nothing.....it was for something. I'm a hell of a lot stronger then i give myself credit for. So thank you friend for helping me see that i've grown through this process and although it wasn't the outcome we wanted or had hoped for, we're stronger because of it.

And thank you friends, all of you, who have sent emails, messages, texts or just phoned to see how things were going..... without all your support, i think it would have been so hard....hubby and I have felt the love and it is what surrounds us during our moments when we cry for the babies we had worked so hard for and loved. Your love and support will carry us through our next cycle and we are forever grateful for the friends we have in our lives. We are so touched and honored to call you a friend......thank you, you have no idea how much your actions have touched our hearts.

Beta day

and unfort. it was negative. I'm devestated...heartbroken....this pain in my heart sucks. we have our WTF apt on Wednesday to go over what the next steps are....
Well, at least now i can go to the gym and work my butt off and the extra weight i gained with the meds.....

7dp5dt

The road has continued to be bumpy.....it's like one day i'm positive, the next i'm certain it didn't work and then i feel guilty like i just gave up on my babies....
Last night - not a good day...i was crabby and just feeling kinda down....and then i had some strange dreams, but one was that i kept POAS(peeing on a stick) and they kept coming up positive....one was green and had to have 3 lines and i was like dude, is there really 3 lines??? The feeling was amazing that we kept getting positive tests.... i can't wait for that to happen for real. 3.5 more days and then 8am i will know for sure.

You may wonder why i'm not testing before then....well, the answer is simple....the fear of the negative keeps me away..... yes, i REALLY want to test...but, then when i start to think about it, i decide it's best i don't....tech. i could get a negative today and a positive 2 days from now...i've had friends who tested the day of their beta and it was negative, only to find out that they were actually pregnant via the beta.....so it does happen. Sometimes the HCG hormone just doesn't get detected. Plus, if i got a negative, i know it would bring me down and then i'd have to keep testing.....or if if got a positive, i'd worry and still have to test everyday til my beta....although if my beta is positive, i'll be testing all the time after that anyways...lol.

The land of the unknown.... may God give me the strength and courage to face monday, whatever it shall bring.

ah the ups and downs...

so today is a 'down' day. I'm just feeling like it didn't work, i had a good cry this morning..... Nothing can prepare you for this 2WW.....nothing.

Here they are......

our babies....

3dp5dt

yah, that little jumble of words and numbers in the title....that means i'm 3 days past a 5 day transfer....

My Transfer went really well -- got there, my MIL came with me, since the hubby wasn't able to-- which really, i think was good for her to be a part of that, cuz i think it made the whole process more real for her...she never was really 'into' it and just was kinda like do your own thing, you don't have to talk to me about it....but, i think when she actually saw the eggs and her 'grandchildren'....i think it really hit her in her heart and she realized how amazing it is, even if my
baby(ies)life starts off in a petridish.
So, i get there, take a little magic pill to relax and drink up my 32 billion oz of water, peed 2 times cuz i thought my bladder was going to burst (you have to have a full bladder cuz it pushes down the uterine cavity so they have better access to it...or something like that)and then i had to drink more water, cuz i just peed out all the water i was drinking all morning..... then in i go. They showed me the babies they were transferring and then - in one tube, and into me......it was super fast....but so cool at the same time. And the ultrasound tech guy was really cool in explaining everything to me...so it was neat and you'll be happy to know i had a great full bladder, so all was well. :) So, they helped me up and said, okay, go potty and i'm like what? won't i pee them out...to which they laughed and said nope.
Then as i'm walking down the hallway i'm like squeezing my legs together.....ever watch The Backup Plan after Jennifer Lopez's character gets an IUI and she's walking down the hallway all weird...that was me... i made sure i wouldn't 'walk' them out....and then i had to pass gas, but i was really afraid i might fart them out...so i held it... it's like in my right mind i totally know i can't fart out my babies...but, in the paranoid, irrational mind....i might.

Out of our 18 fertilized eggs, 11 made it to 5 day, we had 3 good ones, 2 of which we transferred in and then we waited on the other 8 ones to see if they would catch up and be able to freeze. We transfered in 2 grade 4BB embryos. 5&A being the best... we have 7 frosties (frozen embies) and one of them is a grade 5BB-which just means it started to hatch out!!) So, i'm hoping that since they were doing well in the lab, i'm hoping they are doing awesome in my uterus!

I have the picture of my babies.....i just have to get on a computer that doesn't run SUPER SLOW, like our desktop so i can load it on up. so, they'll be up soon.

Unfortunately the meds i'm on mimic pregnancy symptoms so although my boobs hurt, i'm tired, i'm crampy here and there, bloated, i'm weepy (no animals cops or the news or Mickey Mouse's Club House)and i've gotten up in the middle of the night to pee 3 nights in a row.....i don't know if it's the baby(ies) or the meds...sucks huh? oh and i nap...and am still able to go to bed by 930pm.....i am NOT a napper...i hate naps...if i take a nap, i don't end up falling asleep until the wee hours of the morning..... the last few days, around 230/3pm, i end up falling asleep, even if i didn't think i was tired and take a good hour nap or so, wake up and by 9p, start getting tired....and i sleep, i mean, i sleep good at night...until 330 or 430am comes around and i gotta pee and then i lay in bed wondering if it's the baby(ies) or if its the meds and when the last time i drank water was (last night i made sure i cut off all fluids by 8pm, peed b4 bed and still woke up at 430a to pee) oh, and lets not talk about chicken....ya know what, lets.... yeah, Grilled Chicken=GROSS! i got a snack wrap the other day cuz i was STARVING...it's quick, it's relatively "healhty" for fast food...took one bite and i about vomited it up....i gagged it down cuz i was hungry but it was HORRIBLE .....just thinking about chicken right now is making me gag....ew.

It's weird, i mean, i've been in 2WW before, where you're just waiting for your period, hoping that you're late so you can test....but, i've never been in THIS 2WW...where i KNOW i have fertilized eggs in there, i KNOW they were ready to hatch and stick.... Gosh, i really hope this works!

9 more days........

Woot!

I am offically PUPO!!!! these next 12 days are going to get f-o-r-e-v-e-r......so, i'm gonna enjoy every second of it......

Transfer was quick and easy and i've got so much on my mind right now...i'll post later....but please send some sticky vibes my way and that these eggs continue to grow and blossom into amazing little people!

wow...

I don't think i've ever felt so many mixed emotions all at once....
I'm nervous, i'm scared, i'm excitied,i'm hopeful....i'm just about to burst with love....it's crazy.

Tomorrow is the day....the day i am reunited with my babies. I don't care what ppl think....cells, dna, babies.....but these are MY cells with my husband....these cells are turning into blastocycst and are forming cell masses where the baby will be and the placenta will form.......this is the begining of life and i get to witness it tomorrow.... I never thought i'd be so attached to my eggs, but man, i just want them back with me, so i can love them and nuture them into life......i think about them and how they are all doing...i hope they're not too cold...i know, what a crazy little thought....but i just hope they are dividing and growing and forming and doing what they ought to be doing..... I wish i got updates ....but, the lab said it's not good for the eggs...a 5 day transfer is better then a 3 day transfer, so i'm feeling good about that.....

Unfort. DH's job is a SOB and there's no one to cover his shift, sooooo....my MIL is driving me there and back. I'll even let them come in the room if they're allowed. I'm kinda bummed DH isn't going to be there, but i can show him the pictures and talk about the experience with him....as long as he's there when i'm actually giving birth...that's what i care about the most. It's crazy to think we're gonna have 2 babies to pick from....i wonder what color hair they're going to have, and color eyes, skin tone....will they have my dimples and curls or DH's nose and smile? I want soooooo badly for this to work....you have no idea how much i have been praying to St.Anne - Mary's Mother, St. Gerard - Patron of motherhood ....i have prayed and so far my prayers have been answered...i can only hope they continue to be answered.

So....here goes.....tomorrow i will offically be PUPO -pregnant until proven otherwise--let's hope i'm pregnant for the next 9 months too! :)

lucky14 19!!!

So, i had my egg retrevial friday....... it went pretty well. We got there and we're all like little kids about to hit the jackpot of good things and i'm in a gown just chilln' in the recovery room....so, DH goes and makes his deposit and comes back and i'm still sitting there....wondering if they forgot me. Then it's my turn...the IV tech couldn't find any viens in my hands beacuse they were freezing...so he's slapping my hands, making me squeeze his finger, he's poking around...i'm like, 'seriously, is this a sign?' But, it was okay, and i only cried a little bit cuz i was nervous and wasn't sure what to expect.....so then i'm like well, my other hand has some viens in it...so he's like do they have a hard time finding your viens and i'm like i dunno.....(i don't normally walk around with IV's in my hands)...LOL..so then he had me stand up...and swing my arms around and around and lift them up and down, and he's grabbing my forearms and squeezing the blood down into my hands and slapping them....all the while my gown is exposing my bare pasty white arse....awesome. So, a vien was found and i felt a little coolness and then i got dizzy and the last thing i remember was saying 'i hope i don't say anything silly.' And then i woke up.....i was totally out of it, dizzy and just like blah.. my eyes were watering and DH said when i was wheeled in i was crying and saying 'i'm so sorry i'm crying, i'm so sorry that i'm so emtional'....lol.
I drank some ginger ale and grham cracker and felt okay.... once i was falling asleep and the machine i was hooked up to started beeping and my pulse was like in the 40's and DH and i were like 'oh my gosh...am i dying?' LOL....
I was pretty sore yesterday, it just kinda hurt sitting up and walking...so i was a great couch potato.... today i'm feeling pretty good, except i started my vag. suppositories and so let the smurf goo begin....

They got 14 19 eggs --we're anxiously awaiting the news as to how many they fertilized and how they are doing.....it's kinda crazy and surreal to know we've got some embabies out there fighting to become something amazing...... i just hope they're doing well and i can't wait til 2 of them are back in their 'mommy' where they belong. It's werid, i never thought i'd be so attached to my eggs.... i mean, for the last month i've been sending them good growing vibes and talking to them at night to 'grow, grow, grow' and now they're not in there....
And worrying about DH's swimmers and hoping he was doing all he could to make them strong and awesome and talking to them....... yes, the conversations this past month in our house have been 'interesting.'
We were coming home and DH goes, 'sweet, i can finally have a beer.' What a trooper he's been.....i just hope this works the 1st time......and we get great news at the end of September.


****update*****
lab called and they actually got 19!!!
she said they must not have been done counting all of them -- (apparently, the Dr told us org. 14, but there might be more - i don't remember that conversation and DH just happened to inform me of it when the lab called...men!!)
so, out of the 19..... 18 have fertilized!!! 1 was immature.

so we have 18 eggs cooking up to be something amazing!! Now, not all of them will 'survive' til the 5day, but i'm pretty confient we'll get at least a hand full.
So, this bumps us to a 5 day transfer on Wednesday!! I can't wait to have 2 of them back in me growing......keep sending those great fert. thoughts and prayers...it's working!!

here we go now.....

woot! I triggered tonight at 730pm. Two shots....and now i wait. Tomorrow will be my first shot free day since Aug. 17th....crazy to think of what life was like before it revolved around my shots.
It's hard to walk...my ovaries feel like they're about to pop out. And i won't bore you all with my poop issues....LOL - yeah, maybe i will.....i'm a little 'backed up' cuz every time i try to go, i think i'm going to pop off an egg and poop it out...i know it's not possible, but....it kinda makes it hard to go when that's what's on your mind.....i'm glad to report i was able to monetarily shut my brain off and all is good in the bowel movement area...
Can you tell i'm giddy with excitement....i feel like Christmas is like 2 days away...DH and i are like two excited kids about to meet Santa....yeah, we're dorks. instead it's just my ER...egg retrieval..and i'm excited! Friday morning...we have to be at the clinic at 645a.....I'm Nervous, scared, super stoked..... I can't believe this is really happening.... Come monday i will offically be PUPO....(pregnant until proven otherwise) with twins!!! ah!

patience is a

bitch virtue. Apt this morning - I cried when i got my blood drawn and almost hyperventilated....awesome...i'm regressing.... :(

One more day of stims....go in again tomorrow for more bldwrk/ultrasound and maybe trigger... deep breath

still growing....

those follies. I'm still stimming.... at my apt yesterday, they measured 13 ..... and probably will still being stimming tomorrow too.....
e2- 1,362
Rt ovary - 18,15,14,12,11
Lft ovary -18,18,17,16,13,13,13,13

Yah, that pretty much means a lot of nothing to me.....all i see are that i have a group of 15-18's that will be ready soon and the rest better catch up.....by tomorrow! LOL

i have an apt. tomorrow....and really, really hoping i get to trigger!! I know, I know, i can't rush this and the way i look at it most days, is as long as my body is doing what it needs to do, then so be it. I'm just being totally impatient....tech it's 10 days stimming on the 9th....so really, i have some time....

So, i had to drive an hr away for my apt on sunday morning, watched the sunrise as i was driving there.....it's weird to see all the other couples....one lady must've been getting ready for her ER - and she had DH's sperm in a bag...trying to keep it warm.... tomorrow i will have to drive back to this clinic, since my clinic closer to home is closed today and i'm not sure there is an apt available....so since i gotta leave at like 530am, i doubt the closer clinic is going to be open...the 1hr away clinic is walk in only....so it's 1st come, 1st serve....fun.

*going to complain for a moment* I know i really shouldn't....but, i just gotta get this out and then i'm done...... i'm done with this process already.....i'm so over all the shots....i'm getting more and more uncomfortable...the bloating..i can barely even fit in my big pants anymore....not good. I have pain here and there in the ovary area, which is good, cuz it's letting me know that my ovaries are working, but then, days like today, when i'm not really feeling anything....i worry that my ovaries have stopped working....this is what i do on my day off...i worry about my ovaries..i worry about things i can not control and i know i can't control it....like triggering....i can't control when it will happen....i know when it will be convenient, but nope, still can't control it... At least the meds have been pretty good to me.... the last 2 times i did the menapur shot, i got a pink circle rash thingy around it...which the paperwork says is normal.....and it burned..going in and after the shot.... I get sweaty after i do my shots...so i know they're working..... Yesterday i went boating and sat for while....so i was pretty uncomfortable in the evening...i just felt icky...my shots hurt doing them and the menapur burned and i just crawled into bed at 9pm and started crying....i know i was tired and i think i just was doing a bit to much ........ I've only had one really bad day, when i went home from work and had the slight fever....otherwise, i feel like my mood has been okay.... I mean, i only have really gotten super annoyed like 2 times....one was over peanut butter, but only the walls got that hormonal outburst, which i explained to myself that "really? you're going to get this upset over not having any peanut butter? get over it!!!" and Friday at work i was feeling a little bitchy, so i just stayed in my office....So, i mean, i can't really complain....i guess i'm not really complaining, just more like getting negative icky thoughts out.... *complaining over*

Oh and i've been dreaming like crazy about babies and HPT's and dr. visits and pregnancy.....obviously i know WHY i'm dreaming these things, but it's like every freakn' night...it's crazy!!! Luckily they've always been good - i'm always pregnant, getting a +HPT or holding my babies....which it seems like there's always a 'few' of them.....

And weird, but i think i might actually be a little bummed if i don't have twins.....is that weird? I mean, i went from having panic attacks thinking about twins to really, really wanting twins.....to the point that i might be a little sad if we don't have twins.....what is going on????? Am i CRAZY????!?!?!!?!?

Next report - tomorrow.....fingers crossed follies are super growing and trigger tomorrow!!! that all is going well!

still stimming.....

had apt today ---i have 21 follies total. 12 are measuring around the same.....the largest on the left is 17mm, largest on rt is 14mm....the other 10 measurable ones are 12-14mm. The other 9 they are not measuring as they are below 10mm......so, still working with 12 good ones i guess. Everything else is good - lining is good, bloodwrk is good.....so i guess i'm good. :)

Meds stay the same and I go back on sunday morning for another us and bldwrk......she said maybe i will trigger sunday or monday....i hope so....i'm so ready to move onto the next phase....and stop being a pin cushion....

and the nurse says....

i continue my meds at the dose i'm taking them for another 2 days. come in Friday for another us/bldwrk.
My E2 was 140
i have 12 measurable follies -- 1 in the right ovary that is measuring at 14.7....
I asked the nurse if this follie will ruin my cycle.....and she assured me that it would not....

She said that so far things are looking well, my body is responding to my stim meds and that the E2 should continue to rise..... So, here's hoping that my body keeps doing what it needs to do and that this 14.7 follie settles down a bit....no need for it to get ahead of itself and the others..... ;)

Oh, blood draw went much better today, although i'm sporting a bruise that looks like i'm a junkie....it didn't hurt. Ultrasound tech....eh, i could've done without....she actually made me stick the wand in my girl bits...i'm like "uh, what am i doing?" and she's like "take this and shove it in there like a tampon" i looked at her like um, okay and then said, "well, this is new...i've never had to do this" to which she replied.."well,everyone does their own thing and is different' and then she didn't let me see the screen..... bah! But, she showed me my follies so i can see them for about 2 seconds. She so better not be the tech when we get to see the babies for the 1st time....i want my org. lady back!!! :)

So, prayers, thoughts, good vibes that my ovaries keep doing their thing, my body keeps responding to the stims and sooner, rather then later...i get this ER and ET done....so i'm that much closer to getting that positive result and on to my babies!

picture time!!

As promised.....here's some pics of my meds....

I began with just Lurpon...pretty easy....
nothing to extreme.....turn on music, clean med, clean injection site, draw up meds and inject....

Here's the rest of my meds....

This here is the Menapur and Follistim pen --fun!



This is the needles to the Lurpon, and then my Valium, my vicidin, my antibiotic and baby aspirin and my needle container....



I just realized i don't have a pic of my trigger shot set up...i'll have to do that tomorrow....

On a forum i belong to, a lot of the IVF gals have their DH's do their shots for them, mix it up and everything....my hubby is usually sleeping (we work opposite schedules)and it's just something i think is kinda weird, i mean, i'm totally capable of doing this myself...i certainly don't need an audience. I put on my music, set everything up, feel the beat of the song and poke away....so, i dunno, i don't know how to really incorporate hubby into all this, besides just showing him what i do....so, I was showing the hubby my little set up and what shots i have to do now and how much and he looked at me and said, 'thanks for doing all these shots for our baby.' awe, i just about melted....it was nice to hear him say that and acknowledge that it's hard for me to do this, but he appreciates it that i am.

Stims day 3...i get a massive, pounding headache by about 230p-3pm...i take 2 Tylenol and eat a little something and it eventually goes away. Other then that, bloating and i kinda feel like something is going on down there in Ovary land....i'll find out more tomorrow!!

Hurricane Katrina.. 5 yrs later.

I remember watching in devastation the damage and destruction that Hurricane Katrina's wrath did on the people of New Orleans and South...... It's a shame that 5 years later people are still trying to rebuild their families home.....the home that their grandparents grew up in and their parents, themselves and now their kids.... how can we continue to allow this to be going on....why isn't their more help down there, why are people continuing to have to live and pay in a temp home and still pay on their damaged home that is still getting repaired? What a shame.....

I remember crying for all the animals down South too, all the dogs and cats that were left behind ....watching video of rescues and just dogs so happy to be finally found and fed.

Our baby Clover, is a Hurricane Katrina rescue. She was found in the 2nd batch of rescue animals, which means she was found wandering the streets at the end of Sept/early October 2005...she was only a year old. It was my bday weekend Nov. 19th, a sunday and we went to the mall (Macy's a i believe) where they had rescue dogs for adoption.....we went to 'look'...and we came home with Clover. All the puppies had been adopted and there was Clover, who was laying down minding her own business or a hyper black lab who was pulling a guy all over the place....yah, after much thought and consideration.... watching a girl jump on Clover's back and pinch her and Clover just sat there.....and hearing a little girl wanting to pet Clover and her mom saying, 'no hunnie, those are 'bad' dogs.'..... Clover was meant to be ours.

Clover is a pittie mix, as in pit bull. Yah, those baby eating, turn on their owners, meanest dog breed you'll ever know pit bull. Did you know that during the Wars these dogs were the mascot? That a pit bull was one of the 1st decorated war dog? Did you know that pit bulls are actually GREAT family pets? They are loyal and quiet and want nothing more then to be loved? I realize that this breed is in the news, however, the media stigma behind the breed fails to educate people on the true disposition of the dogs..... most those dogs that attack, guess who their owners are...drug dealers, gang members, people who use this breed, to train it to be mean.......this breed is also one of the most abused.....Micheal Vick is a fine example of some of the horror these dogs go through.....watch animal cops on Animal planet and you'll see much more of the gruesome things that happen to these dogs.

It breaks my heart that Clover is judged everyday by people who allow fear and a closed mind from allowing them to get to know her. If you're lucky enough to know Clover, you know that she is super excited to see people, you can leave the room and then reappear 5 mins later and she'll greet you again like she hadn't seen you in 5 years......she wants nothing more then to be loved and a belly rub and if you happen to have a treat, she'll cover you with slobbery kisses for that too.

Clover came to us with broken teeth (most likely trying to chew through metal, or a cage to get out when the Hurricane came through), she had some missing hair on her legs (looked almost like cigarette burns) she was shaky in her confidence .....but, it didn't take her long to realize she didn't have to hid in the bushes or under cars when we went for walks during windy days.... that the rain won't hurt her and that her 'mommy' and 'daddy' will always come home...... She is wonderful and every time Hurricane Katrina annv. comes around....i am reminded of how far she has come and am so grateful she survived and was rescued and now forever will leave her pawprints on our hearts.

there's no turning back now....

Not that there was any turning back when i started the Lupron.....now that i started my stimming meds....there really is no turning back!!!

So, hubby and i went on a mini vaca up north for his bday...which then also turned into the last vaca as non-parents to humans (we have a dog that is our baby)
We made comments like..."wow, so, this time next year we might actually have two babies waking us up at 6am wanting to feed and get a change of a diaper instead of us just randomly waking up to catch a sunrise on the Lake" "just think, the next time we come up here, i might be with child or children" "are you ready for our lives to be totally changed?" "Mom, do twins need double of everything...like two cribs? two bouncy chairs? two highchairs? two strollers? two pack n plays? two diaper bags?" Anyways, all my readers are hopefully are not only going to be on the journey to parenthood, but then will also follow us through parenthood.....

So, if you didn't catch it in the 1st sentence.....i started stimming!!! So, as i wrote on friday, everything was good to go....well, Saturday AF showed up....yah, can i just say that the 'Lupron period' is strange.....

TMI WARNING.....

it's like kinda light, but kinda not...like i can wear a tampon but then i take it out and i'm like okay, decent flow....so i put a pad on at night (tampons, the regular ones, give me headaches after about 4 hrs, so i wear pads when i don't have to wear a tampon) and i never leaked onto the pad, but then wiped and i had this like slimy blood clot snot thingy...and it smells like metal...like iron...like if you've ever tasted blood, like when you've bitten ur lip or tongue....that's what it smells like...and i have that same taste in my mouth.....ew. The taste in my mouth is from the meds...so i'm assuming that's why my period smells like it too.....anyways, it's actually decent....my period, no cramps, and not enough blood for anything but a panty liner at this point...it's like all the blood comes when i wipe.....

Ok, enough TMI....

Tonight, i added Menapur and Follistim to now 5ml Lupron...i was taking 10ml Lupron.

Menapur and Follistim will stimulate my ovaries to produce eggs....lots of them....i have about 18 follies that can turn into eggs if i'm understanding this correctly.....doesn't mean i'll have 18 eggs...it just means the opportunity is there. I was told that Menapur burns...no, it does not....but the follistim sure does. I have this pen with that one, i was going to put it into my leg, i'm glad i didn't...but i'm not sure where else i can poke my gut.....not to mention the band aids that are starting to leave pink little circles where they were.....so at least i know where i had poked the other day....

Side effects are like having menopause....this should be fun...and bloat.....nice, hot and bloaty....awesome!!! Go back to the Dr. on Wednesday for more blood and another ultrasound....joy.

i think she broke my vein....

yah, the nurse lady that i have never had, the young looking nurse lady that is probably fresh out of school.....yah, i get the lady who i'm not sure she knew what she was doing.....so, i'm like great....um, just so you know...and i go into my mini speech about my aversions to needles and my body's response to either cry or pass out....but, the last 2 times i've been great. So, i'm thinking to myself...keep the arm straight....really straight, cuz that's what the one nurse who rocked at taking my blood told me last month.....um, i don't know what kind of needle this youngn' used, but i about screamed from the pain!!! it hurt SO BAD.....in my head, i was like omg, that kinda hurt....um...okay,i'm okay, it's okay...so i started humming and moving my feet a little cuz it was hurting and then i focused on the candy jar and started to say each candy and what i thought about it in my head so i wasn't thinking about the needle that was jabbing my arm and ripping apart my vein.... Well, it's now been about an 1 1/2 hrs since my blood was taken out and my vein kinda hurts....even doing this typing is kinda making my arm hurt....i think she broke my vein...lol The good news is i did not cry nor did i pass out....always a plus..... i think by the time all this is said and done, my needle phobia will be long gone....but not if this youngn' nurse keeps poking me..... i'm actually kinda nervous about coming back on wednesday and getting poked by her.... would it be totally rude to ask for another nurse to do my blood draws? i want to move forward, not backwards...forward!

Ultrasound: went perfectly...my body rocks by the way...i really should appreciate it more and really love it how it should be loved..... My lining was good, my ovaries are great and i'm just awesome. :) I was told i may or may not get a period and that i can start stims with or without it....so, that's good. I will get a call later today telling me my E2 level (estrogen) and from there hopefully directions on when and how to start my stimming meds.... then i go in on 9/1, blood work and ultrasound and then blood work and ultrasound like every other day til trigger time.....which looks to be a few days til i trigger. So, prayers of no hyperstimmulation (that is not good) and that my body continues to be awesome!!!

hit me with your best shot.....

that's the song i listen to when i'm doing my lupron shot..... lol.

So, yesterday was a bad day......i started not feeling well Tuesday and by Wednesday morning, i was crying waking up, i cried on the way to work, i cried at work in the bathroom telling myself to 'suck it up', i left around noon, cuz something clearly was off.....i cried on the way home, i cried at home.....i honestly think i was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I was running a 100.2 fever, not to high, but high enough....i ate some soup, took a Tylenol, laid in bed and actually fell asleep for about an hour (i don't do naps).....woke up and my temp was down to 98.1.... i felt 1000 times better and i think my body just needed to recharge quickly...... i stopped the BCP on monday and i think the Lupron had started to make an impact and i think since i was so nervous about the shots the week b4 and i was just go go go .....my body needed a break. Today, i feel sooooo much better and lesson learned that i need to take it easy....i can't do everything.....the dishes can be washed tomorrow, the laundry can wait til the weekend....perhaps it was a good lesson that i'm gonna just need to slow down and really listen to my body.

Soooo, i got the rest of my meds...the $3,000 and some change meds....yah..but the good news is i did get some donated meds and i just scored another 9 vials of menapur and luckily right before my order went out...soooo i get about $600 and change refund....whoo hoooo!!!! I just unpacked it all and double checked it and then i just emailed my nurse to make sure i have everything i need. I"ll take a picture of it later and hopefully post it soon here. There's a lot. I even have a handy dandy little pen...it looks scary, until i read the directions and then i thought, hmmm, that's not TOOO bad. did i mention i'm tired of being a pin cushion...speaking of which....lupron is calling my name....it's time to do my shot and put on the PJ's.....

blahish

so, maybe it's a symptom of the lupron...who knows....but today i'm super tired, like i could fall asleep right now in a second, tired.....and i'm feeling like i could cry at any second......i'm kinda feeling blah-ish... i dunno what my deal is.... i just want this so badly to work.....i'm so afraid it's not going to.... and it's not like i sit here and dwell on the neg or anything....it's just i'm still afraid it's not going to work....i don't know how i can deal with that heartache. I don't know...... emotionally i just don't think i could handle it. I just want sept to be here and me to my trigger shot already......i'm kinda over these shots....i'm over being a pin cushion....i'm just tired. i could really, really use a little cat nap right about now.....

wow!!

So, i looked at twin belly pics....and the first time i did this i was shocked at how HUGE the bellies can get...i'm like, how in the WORLD does one carry that belly around? How are they not falling over... anyways....since i'm in this "downtime" - where i'm not really doing anything but waiting...... i looked at pics again....
i'm glad i did, cuz there were some cute bellies.....and the HUGE ones were like 35+ weeks, which also made me feel better that there were a lot of ppl past 35 weeks....and granted their bellies were HUGE, at least i'd know that would be towards the end. Some where hardly showing at 15 weeks or they had these cute little baby bumps.

So, i am done with the BCP as of yesterday...so i should expect a 'bleed' sometime in the next 3-6 days which means my body will probably wait 2 weeks just cuz it can.... i have a ultrasound and b/w on Friday and that's when i will know if i should begin my stimming meds....to make those eggos!!!! :)

i'm ready to be done with this process.... i just want to be at the egg retrieval and transfer part, i want to be getting my beta, which will hopefully be positive, i would love to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy delivery and baby(ies)
I just want this so badly, i just hope it goes perfectly.....ya know.

patience, young grasshopper....patience.....

Day 3 - Lupron and other ramblings....

So, tonight was lucky shot #3........no problems. No side effect yet...i don't think. I do have a slight headache that's just kinda in the background, but i'd have that since a few days after taking BCP....i do notice that since taking the Lupron, i get kinda a pain in my shoulder...don't know if it's related or not, but it's never a problem, but like i slept on it weird or something....i don't know how to explain it and it only lasts like 1 second...... maybe it was because i was kinda nervous and tense leading up to my first shot....and now the muscle has relaxed. I am feeling bloated....much more tonight then yesterday.....and i just read about a lady who gained a TON of weight on Lupron and hasn't lost it....G.R.E.A.T....not cool. Oh, i do have one side effect -dizziness...just here or there, basically if i move too fast...but it's nothing bad. So, i'm not suppose to be extreme working out cuz the endorphins mess with the drugs...but i walked in place and lifted weights for about 45mins while watching a Made for Lifetime movie about a couple in IN in 1993 who gave birth to the 1st sextuplets..... yeah..and then i had to give myself a shot and i'm like oh man....please, please, please no 6 babies.....i mean, obviously, i'll be more then happy....but 6 is pushing it just a little bit....LOL.

Anyways..i also found this on a forum i was 'lurking' on....
Lord, Give me Strength...

·To keep my cool when another period starts.

·To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.

·To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.

·To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.

·To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.

·To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.

·To make the right decision about treatment.

·To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.

I bolded the ones that apply to me. Perhaps the others applied when we first began this infertility journey, but i am just so happy when ppl can get pregnant, that i'm not jealous, i'm not bitter..... i am truly happy for them....and i think it has to do with what we have been through that i don't want others to go through it if they don't have to....it's a hard road to walk along.

It's helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Indeed, this creed i have recited numerous times along this road.....

Infertility is...

·Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own. (yah, i have done this when he plays with my niece and nephew or his cousin's kids.....but i hope that reality comes very soon)

·Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had. (haven't done this yet, but i've been warned it's coming once i start stimming)

·Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?". (i wouldn't avoid, but i always wish i had a great comeback....i try very hard not to ask ppl this, just in case they too are struggling in silence)

·Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences. (yup, this has happened --i don't really mind it, cuz i can learn things, but sometimes it can be a bit much)

·Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you. (or the whole universe)

·Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about". (unfort. this too has happened)

·Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying. (yah, i beg to differ....i wouldn't mind a baby cooing)

·Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren. (YUP)

·Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" or "just relax, it'll happen when you don't think about it." Easy, right? (oh yeah, i hated the old, 'just relax' song and dance...cuz then when i try to say i am relaxed then it looks like i'm really not....but i really am!! LOL)