scare

So, today i woke up and wiped and there was brown on the toilet paper. Needless to say.....i tried really hard to stay calm. I know that brown blood is old blood, but it's still not anymore comforting when you see it on the TP. I have no cramping and it's not red....the nurse said to call again if i get cramping or it turns red. She said the meds i'm on can sometimes cause that (the brown blood) to happen and as long as i have no cramping....to not worry about it.... ha, easier said then done. Maybe i did to much yesterday....we are having a holiday party and i'm trying to get the house cleaned and decorated...but, after this mornings scare.....to bad if it's only 1/2 decorated....i doubt my friends are really going to care that i don't have enough decor up ....lol. So, please say some extra prayers that the babies are okay in there and that this brown stuff goes away so i can relax a little more. I'm glad i have an apointment tomorrow to see the babies, so hopefully that will be reasuring as well...although we probably won't see much....

the things you do..

so, is it weird that i've poas like 5 billion times 7 times and they are all lined up on my bathroom counter so i can look at them? LOL. i LOVE poas....i LOVE seeing those two lines show up super fast or the little plus sign...LOVE IT!! I don't know when this poas obsession will end...maybe once we hear the heartbeats....oh who am i kidding..... i'll probably poas until i give birth... :)

2 more days and then we find out if it's one or two!!! I am so excited....can't wait. I pray that everything is growing the way it should and that we'll have an awesome ultrasound.

So....the debate in the house is whether or not we should find out the gender. Forever, i always wanted it to be a surprise cuz there's only so many surprises in life....but lately, i kinda feel like i've waited so long and worked so hard to get pregnant, i'm not sure i really wanna wait...i wanna talk to my baby(ies) with their names and buy them cute lil' outfits.... there's like nothing out there for gender neutral...which is lame-o. I mean, not that that stops me from getting oneis...some lil' outfits are def. boy outfits, but whatev...if it's a girl, i'll just put a bow in her hair...lol. The Hubby totally wants to know what we're having.... if we have twins, i told him we could find out on one and the other would be secret...lol.... I know we have a few months b4 we have to know...... I just want to see them, i want to hear and see their heartbeats and then i'll feel so much better about everything.

I thought for sure i'd be buying lil' outfits like crazy for our lil' ones, but alas, i have not...i think i just wanna hear the heartbeats and then i feel like i can buy some things.

I feel like now that we're pregnant, there's a whole new bag of worries.... i have NO IDEA what i have to stay away from and anything i google it's like everything but air is dangerous....tap water vs bottled water.....soap, shampoos, face wash, food...ah!! I refuse to google anymore, cuz it's just making me crazy.... i know the big stuff like deli meat (which i can eat if it's cooked), i'm limiting my PB intake since apparently pg ladies who eat pb can pass along a peanut allergy, no aspartame, caffeine, and i'm drinking tap water, since it's regulated by the government and bottled water is not....and then yesterday a friend was talking about hand soap and the chemicals in that...i'm like what? so i'm going to try to find some chemical free soap...or something.

One day at a time, one moment at a time....wednesday will be another big step we have to get through and then the following week to hear the heartbeats....one moment at a time....

5 weeks

Wow, i'm already 5 weeks along- if i'm going by a July 29th due date....
So....beta #1 - 796
beta #2 - 2245
I have a friend in the neighborhood who also did IVF/FET's and she is currently pregnant with twins...her 2nd beta was 2150. Yeah, so needless to say hubby is FREAKN' out about the idea of twins......
me, eh....i'm okay with the idea....i mean, i'm not naive that it's going to be hard and that it's going to be crazy and i'm going to have post it notes EVERYWHERE .......but i'm okay with the idea...i think. Ask me on Wednesday when we find out....

Yup, so Wednesday we have our ultrasound to find out if there are one or two in there.....we won't see much other then some sacs and making sure they are where they should be and that there's nothing going on that shouldn't be.

I still am feeling great, but def. have been taking it super easy.....probably more so then i really should, but i don't want to risk anything....so i want to take it easy as much as i can. The house won't be as decorated as it normally is for the holidays and i might not be able to make all cookies i usually make for cookie exchanges (def. going to have to be some easy stuff) and i'm just going to have to take it easy.... Hubby gets Hubby of the year award for sure...he's been doing a lot around the house and i totally appreciate it, i feel guilty but when i try to help he banishes me to the couch and tells me to stay there. I listen, cuz well, i've got a life growing up in there.... :)

I have heartburn and the last few days i've noticed i'm peeing a little more...oh and i'm thirsty a lot too...

For those that read this that continue to struggle with your fertility, know that i'm always saying prayers for you....you are in my heart and i hope that your miracles will come too! Never give up...

Looking forward to this new journey to parenthood....i'm looking forward to picking out baby stuff and registering and just watching my body change and grow and feel the baby or babies and just enjoy the moments. Surprisingly enough, i haven't bought one baby item since becoming pregnant, i always thought that would be the 1st thing i do..instead i keep buying pregnancy tests and poas about 1-2 times a day just to watch the lines show up or for it to say PREGNANT or YES+
Soooo cool.

O.M.G!!

I AM PREGNANT! OMG!
This has been an AMAZING day!!! I can't even begin to describe the feelings. No matter what happens, i am enjoying every single moment and we could not be happier to know we are going to be parents. This has been a dream i have been waiting for, for 3 years....i finally got to POAS (pee on a stick) and it said YES+ LOL.....OMG! I am PREGNANT!!!!! I am going to be a mom...i'm a mommy!!!! OMG!!! Hubby is a daddy and Clover is a big sister....OMG!

Beta#1 - 796, anything over 100 is what they were looking for.
Progesterone - 10.9, anything over 10 is great.

I just felt it the last day or two...i woke up today and i just jumped out of bed and just 'knew'....this whole cycle has been just different....
When going through my IVF cycle, i prayed and wished for signs and wanted to see a shooting star...etc.... well, after we decided that we were going to go forward with the FET, i saw 2 shooting stars like 3-4 days apart..like BIG ones....no doubt about it shooting stars..... i saw a full double rainbow on the way to one of my appointments...and today, i wore my lucky socks and undies....and i saw deer on the way to my appointment...i also saw 1 deer on saturday...and i was thinking about if the FET worked...so i had my signs this time....lots of them.....and then the heart burn that kicked in on about Friday.....my mom said she had heartburn early on too with all us kids.... It's fun to compare things with my sister, to see what she's gone through and what i'm experiencing....it's just awesome! Even more awesome that we're expecting!! I can't believe it...I'm pregnant!!!

With Thanksgiving just another day away, I am thankful for the struggles, although i would prefer we need not endure such things, it makes the good times and happiness sweeter and more meaningful, i'm thankful for technology and miracles, i'm thankful for rainbows and shooting stars, lucky undies and socks and most of all i am thankful for my wonderful and supportive and fun loving family and friends and my fantastic hubby too!! Happy Happy Thanksgiving!!!

time is going so S.l.o.w.l.y

so slow....like turtle walking slow.... man, the 2WW was a breeze compared to these hours just waiting. Got poked at 8am and should know hopefully by 2 or 3pm. So, i told the nurse to call my work if it's positive....otherwise call my cell - which just so happens to be sitting at home cuz the hubby took my cell phone last night and i didn't get to see him this morning before i left for the dr. apt. She said she should get the results back by 2 or 3pm. I have a meeting at 315, so i'm hoping i get a call AT WORK so i can be beaming in the meeting.... :) I have my lucky undies and socks on....so, we'll see if they really are lucky..lol. Although, i know realistically, socks and undies aren't going to make me pregnant.....but, whatever helps right? Stay tuned....hoping i get to post some pretty exciting news soon......

Me again......don't wanna jinx it, but i kinda have a good feeling about tomorrow...but then i start to get excited about the possibility, that i have to pull myself back....i mean, it really could go either way tomorrow..... i have still no symptoms of anything....the ONLY thing i can tell is a little tiny bit different then normal and could be totally blamed on the meds is i have some killer heartburn/indigestion/burps...for almost a week.
I think i'm going to have the Dr office call me at work if it's positive....and that way i also will kinda know....ya know, if they don't call the office, then i know...without being told ...ya know.....and i can kinda be prepared for the bad news if i get some....but i'm still totally holding out for the happy, good news....

nervous....

I am so nervous about tomorrow. I've still been feeling great.... but i am soooo nervous about tomorrow. Like i am on the verge of tears....i just don't want to have to deal with the disappointment....i don't want to go through the holidays not pregnant...again. I don't want to have to put on a smiley face when my sister talks about her pregnancy, i don't want to have to grin and bear it when my co-worker talks about how fantastic and in love with her little baby she is...i don't want to have to be strong.....
i know, pretty pessimistic thoughts...i flip flop all the time.... i want this so badly. and i know if it doesn't work, that i can cry and be sad and when my period comes, i will be sad again and cry some more, but i also feel like i'll be just going through the motions...i feel like i've been guarded this round....i mean, i talk to my babies and say a prayer every night for them...but it's not the same as it was last time...and its a good different....but it's different.
Last time my dreams where about positive HPTs(tests) this time, i've dreamt of babies...my babies. Some dreams there were twins, some there was just only one....
I hope i get to celebrate the holidays knowing i have a life or two growing inside me, i want to wear maternity clothes at Christmas, i want to see my belly big for a reason and not just cuz it's full of fat, but because there is a life or two growing in there. I just want this struggle to be over....i will never forget this journey to parenthood and i feel that my relationship with my hubby is stronger because of it....but i don't know how much harder we can try and not have the ultimate goal not be reached without it breaking us down....
Our ultimate goal is to have a family of our own....how or when we get there is anyones guess...but i hope it's soon. :)
Prayers for strength and courage .....

gobble, gobble

i'm very much looking forward to eating turkey pancakes on Thanksgiving... luckily, hubby and i will have our own little Thanksgiving and get to eat all the yummy food i look forward to gobblin' up...turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing...yum!

Still not feeling any different....talked to someone who mentioned that i have to keep my 'eye on the prize'.....the end result, which is to have a family.....i don't know when it's going to happen or how...but the end goal is that we want a family. Tuesday is almost here.......i'll go in before work, get my blood drawn and then sometime that afternoon i'll get a call that i'll let go to my voicemail and then when i get home, hubby and i will listen to the message.

Here's hoping that i have a little turkey and pumpkin pie cooking up in my oven... ;)

argh

I'm not feeling very optimistic about this round.....i dunno, it's just i don't want it to not work. I just don't feel any different..i just feel totally normal. I remember last time, i felt bloated and nauseous, i woke up at the wee hours of the morning to potty, i just felt icky....this time, although i wake up anywhere between 1-3am, i just lay there and eventually fall back to sleep. This morning(at like 2am) i woke up with cramps, i just wanted to cry...... I dunno if it's normal, i don't know if it means it didn't work, i don't know if it was just gas and that i'm constipated...i dunno....i just don't have much hope for this round....

I feel like everything lined up perfectly this time, even more so perfectly then last time.... i have this clematis(don't know if that's the right spelling, but mine make purple flowers) that didn't bloom all summer, and then when i cam back from my IVF transfer, i saw two beautiful flowers that had bloomed....i took it to mean good things, but they withered away shortly after. Then, when we began this FET cycle, guess what, 2 new beautiful flowers bloomed like towards the end of October...and are still hanging on...... I never gave up hope on that flower (i thought it was a goner in the spring) and yet it still flourished and bloomed....so why am i so easy to give up on my embryos?

I just feel different this time, i feel like it's a good different, but it's just different.... i was reading on a friends page and this is what was posted...i feel like i needed to read that today......

"faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty. Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!"

bed rest is overah!

Well, my 3 days of bed rest are OVER!! It wasn't toooo bad, it's just DH and i are on total opposite schedules, so when i'm awake, he's trying to sleep.....what does that mean for me..it meant i sat on the Internet trying to keep entertained, while i could not watch tv (it's to loud) and i couldn't have lights on (it's to bright)....or i slept. DH did really well, catering to my every need....well, almost. lol There were some days around lunch time that i was STARVING and staring down DH as he slept trying to subconsciously wake him up so i could eat. Yesterday i was sooo hungry i was getting light headed......LOL. Poor DH. Soooo...now i can get my own meals and such....

i still am going to take it easy today and tomorrow, from what i've read, these are the days they're implanting....so i hope that is what they are doing. i was a little crampy yesterday, so that's why i decided to stay in bed the whole day yesterday....i looked it up and from what i've read, slight cramping is normal....

It still doesn't feel real, i mean i pray every night for our babies, but i feel like i could run a marathon, last time, not so much, i was still sore and bloated. I'm trying not to think tooo much about it, which i know is me trying to guard my heart....i just don't want to not have this work again.... last time i didn't have to remember to take it easy, this time, it's like i have to remind myself that i can't go work out today, cuz per Dr's orders, that's a no-no. Beta day (the blood test to determine if i'm pregnant) can't come soon enough.....

boring...

bed rest is BORING!! Now that i have that off my chest...
So, my sister's announcement day went way better then i thought it would....i didn't cry, i celebrated and all was well...it was much more low key then i had imagined in my mind....
Had my FET yesterday (11/10/10) and it went well. I wore my 'lucky socks'....those would be my 4 leaf clover socks :) and my lucky undies (peace signs all over them) and my Clover shirt (so the whole family was represented) LOL. Hopefully it works!!

I've been on 'bed rest' since yesterday....paperwork says 'couch potato' for 48 hours.....but, since i did 'couch rest' last time...kinda....this time, i'm in bed until at least friday afternoon.....only getting up to go potty and take meds... Hubby has been great getting me things and catering to his PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) wife.....he's also quite the best rest police....along with the dog, who has been sitting at attention next to the bed....poor dog....she's falling asleep and her head starts to drop...it's like dog, lay down...i promise i won't get up. LOL Hubby totally deserves lots after these three days....he's been awesome and i know he's probably feeling a little overwhelmed having to be up and down and grab meds (which happen to be all the wrong ones) and have to go back downstairs and take the dog out and clean and laundry....i told i can help but he says NO! Stay in bed.....

This time, it doesn't seem real....The first time, maybe it was because it was so much more evasive, i had 3 shots a night, suppos. and patches and blood work and ultrasounds every other day for 2 weeks towards the end.....then it's the retrieval when they knock you out and poke ya and you're sore and bloated and uncomfortable and then they do the transfer and at that time you do all this work and just want your babies back in you...ya know. Well, with the FET, it's just soooooo much easier and less stressful and evasive.... I don't know if it's that i'm like 'detached' from the process since i've been there, done that, so it's like i know what to expect or if i'm just more at peace about everything? I feel like things were right this time around .....i dunno.....like i have to remind myself that i'm PUPO....that i'm hopefully growing up some kiddos. I can't believe we did it again....i mean, i talk to the babies and pray that they are snuggling in good for the next 9 months and hubby asks how the babies are doing..... i'm super excitied, but i'm trying to stay grounded too....ya know. Oh, and this time i have NO desire to even want to test early...last time i felt like i struggled with it...this time it hasn't even crossed my mind....

So, sticky vibes please....and good thoughts that the babies are growing strong....Thanks!

woot!

That cool little woot, er BIG woot is for surviving my 2nd PIO shot!! Hubby did great and although i freaked him out more then the needle....all is good. I had to have music, i had to be talking....and hubby just needed silence...LOL. i was shhh'd two times....lol. Ah, we make such a great pair. It hurts a little more then my first shot, but i'll keep the heating pad on it a little longer and it's on the left side, so it's a little harder to massage with my left hand...... i'm sooo soooo glad this shot is over with..now i can fully relax. :)

now we just need our little embabies to thaw awesomely and then they gotta dig in and stick and grow in my uterus!!!

the final days....

before i'm PUPO!!! (pregnant until proven otherwise)
So, you'll all be glad to know my estrogen levels are great!!! My lining as of Wednesday was 9.94. When i did IVF#1 - my lining was at a 10.1. What does that mean....it means the thicker the lining the better and if i had 9.94 Wednesday, i'm hoping my lining will be thicker then 10.1(and it should) by transfer day. Anything over 8 is great...but from what i've been reading/been told, 11 or 12 are even greater numbers. I've had an increase of CM, which is blue...thank you estrace, which i heard is a great sign that my lining is thickening up...i don't remember all this with the 1st round...

Did the dreaded PIO shot and i'm still here to talk about it. Seriously, it was not bad at all!! So, i went away for the weekend and a friend had to do my shot, she's a nurse, so it was a breeze for her and i think that's why it was painless, cuz she's a pro. it hurt for the second the needle goes into the skin, but i had to have her draw it up and such, cuz the large needle was making me sweat a little bit...lol. After the shot, i massaged the area and put a heating pad on it and no pain, even 2 days later and no soreness or anything.....which i heard is what sucks the most...but it's all good so far. I'll let you know if i survive Monday's shot with the hubby...lol.I'm a little nervous about hubby doing the shot, cuz i know he's going to be nervous and i'm going to be nervous and i grantee there will probably be some snarkyness thrown around by both of us, which won't help. But, i just hope we can do this, which i know we will, i just have a feeling it's going to be just a bit more painful.

Today is a big day for me.... when we did round 1, my sister announced her pregnancy...so you can imagine having two sisters, one who is officially knocked up and one who is PUPO....we would have been about 2 1/2-3wks apart..lol. It was a little weird when the IVF didn't work and we had to have some conversations. We were excited about the idea of having babies so close, we discussed a shared baby shower and a shared announcement...which would have been today. This was the one thing we really had kinda 'planned'....the one thing that had a date...the one thing that i'm going to with an empty womb and my sister is going to get to make her announcement. My heart breaks a little today, i would've been in my 10th week.... i think once i'm passed today, things will be a little easier, it's like this day has been hanging over my heart for the past month and once i get pass this, i'm good...ya know what i mean? I'm nervous though, i'm nervous i might cry or be sad....so i have a plan..cuz this is my sister's day and this day is a happy day... i haven't been able to talk to her about how she's going to do it, etc...so i gotta kinda just hang out around 'exits'...so if i get emotional, i can take a 'bathroom' break or a little walk around the neighborhood, i don't think anyone will notice with all the excitement.... So a lot of mixed emotions and i'm trying my best to be nice to myself about it and take it easy on myself and really understand that it's okay to feel this way...we experienced a loss--a loss of hope, a dream, a future, a possibility of being parents. It does make it a little easier that Wednesday(transfer day) is right around the corner...but my meds have changed and the progesterone i think is making me super emotional and tired....which for me isn't a good mix, especially when i'm nervous and anxious about something, it's almost positive that i'll cry.