So i had my salinesaynograph (sp-i'll have to edit that) today. Basically, they take some saline and fill up your uterous. They're looking to make sure there are no tumors or polyps etc... and i have a beautiful healthy uterus. It was not bad at all!! In fact, i only had like 1sec of slight cramping which was like no big deal...seriously, i didn't even feel it ...it was neat to see it on the screen though and she gave me two pictures to keep of my healthy beautiful uterus....lol...hey, i might not be able to get pregnant, but darn it, i can have pics of my uterus too.... :)
So, we meet with the IVF dr. on Monday to discuss our options....
I have pretty much come to realize that IVF will most likely be the ONLY way i will become pregnant....it sucks, and it's a hard pill for me to swallow, but if that means we're going to have children and i get to experience being pregnant, then so be it. I can't control if or when i'm going to be pregnant --and it may not be the way i had planned for it to go, but at least we still have that as an option.
so stayed tuned....
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
reading and a song....
So, we had our 'spirit baby' consultation.
I won't bore you all with everything, but the jiff of it is she felt even energy, but more boy then girl...she saw a little one with a mop of brown loose curls and green eyes (healing) ...our baby is a new spirit, so everything is new and he will be an alert, quiet baby.
Our baby needs us to clean the closets, says we have great energy in the house, but our closets are clogged....and we need some crystals to hang from the window in the baby's room, our bedroom and the kitchen....apparently, if anything it'll give us pretty rainbows in the rooms... Didn't give a definite answer on when it's coming...so we'll see.
As for us - acupuncture will end next month, i go for a saline sonograph Wednesday - this checks my uterine cavity and my ovaries for any abnormalities and also the lining of my uterus. JOY! I have been told that this is NOTHING compared to my HSG that i had done 1 1/2 yrs ago - that was horrible!!!!! Of course i've already google'd this topic and i won't be surprised if i'm balling my eyes out for the 1/2 hour that it's going to take or if i actually do pass out from the pain.....fertility issues suck big time. I don't get why it can't just be easy.....so many people who don't want kids, get pregnant so easily, then there's some of us who want nothing more then to be pregnant with a healthy baby and carry to full term, feel the baby kick, experience birthing and have our miracle in our arms.....and it's so freakn' hard. I suppose it wouldn't be horrible if we could afford it or had insurance that actually would cover it...but alas, we don't. *sigh*
how much longer do we continue to try? going to Dr's, doing this and that test....how much more can we really do?? Even if we continue trying to find out why we have this problem.....it would appear that IVF is the only way and right now that's not an option for us, unless we magically get a ton of money...which it's not like we're gonna win the lotto anytime soon. It's all just so frustrating.
And just when i think i'm finally done being reminded everyday that someone is pregnant....now i get to spend the next few weeks getting baby shower invites..double joy! and then when i'm done with that, all the babies will start being born.....seriously, at this point, i can't wait for 2010 to be over....
So, i find it interesting when celebs come out and talk about their fertility struggles, like Gulianna and Bill from the E network and them going through IVF and such.... and i've read about Celine Dion before as well - and she just went through her 4th failed IVF attempt a few months ago and i guess will be trying IVF #5 soon.
A friend of mine told me about this song she wrote that is about her struggle to get pregnant.....it's a very BEAUTIFUL song...here are the lyrics and i highly recommend listening to it on youtube - it's called A NEW DAY HAS COME
A new day has...come
I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear
Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you
Hush, love
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come
Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy
Hush, love
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come
A new day has...come
Ohhh, a light... OOh
I won't bore you all with everything, but the jiff of it is she felt even energy, but more boy then girl...she saw a little one with a mop of brown loose curls and green eyes (healing) ...our baby is a new spirit, so everything is new and he will be an alert, quiet baby.
Our baby needs us to clean the closets, says we have great energy in the house, but our closets are clogged....and we need some crystals to hang from the window in the baby's room, our bedroom and the kitchen....apparently, if anything it'll give us pretty rainbows in the rooms... Didn't give a definite answer on when it's coming...so we'll see.
As for us - acupuncture will end next month, i go for a saline sonograph Wednesday - this checks my uterine cavity and my ovaries for any abnormalities and also the lining of my uterus. JOY! I have been told that this is NOTHING compared to my HSG that i had done 1 1/2 yrs ago - that was horrible!!!!! Of course i've already google'd this topic and i won't be surprised if i'm balling my eyes out for the 1/2 hour that it's going to take or if i actually do pass out from the pain.....fertility issues suck big time. I don't get why it can't just be easy.....so many people who don't want kids, get pregnant so easily, then there's some of us who want nothing more then to be pregnant with a healthy baby and carry to full term, feel the baby kick, experience birthing and have our miracle in our arms.....and it's so freakn' hard. I suppose it wouldn't be horrible if we could afford it or had insurance that actually would cover it...but alas, we don't. *sigh*
how much longer do we continue to try? going to Dr's, doing this and that test....how much more can we really do?? Even if we continue trying to find out why we have this problem.....it would appear that IVF is the only way and right now that's not an option for us, unless we magically get a ton of money...which it's not like we're gonna win the lotto anytime soon. It's all just so frustrating.
And just when i think i'm finally done being reminded everyday that someone is pregnant....now i get to spend the next few weeks getting baby shower invites..double joy! and then when i'm done with that, all the babies will start being born.....seriously, at this point, i can't wait for 2010 to be over....
So, i find it interesting when celebs come out and talk about their fertility struggles, like Gulianna and Bill from the E network and them going through IVF and such.... and i've read about Celine Dion before as well - and she just went through her 4th failed IVF attempt a few months ago and i guess will be trying IVF #5 soon.
A friend of mine told me about this song she wrote that is about her struggle to get pregnant.....it's a very BEAUTIFUL song...here are the lyrics and i highly recommend listening to it on youtube - it's called A NEW DAY HAS COME
A new day has...come
I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear
Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you
Hush, love
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come
Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy
Hush, love
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come
A new day has...come
Ohhh, a light... OOh
Sunday, April 11, 2010
it's been awhile.....
Soooo....it's been awhile...
I've been in a really strange place for the month of March.....angry, frustrated...i think i cried everyday.... Fertility issues cause a lot of other issues......issues that trickle down into a marriage, relationships with others and yourself.
I don't know what it was about March....but i haven't felt the way i did since December 2008/early 2009 when we were first told that 'we'd never have kids.'
In March - i don't know if it was that i just want a healthy baby so badly and i want to feel a baby growing inside my body or if it was that it seemed like every 2 days someone else was announcing that they were pregnant and it was a constant reminder of what my body can not do or what - but March kicked my butt big time.
Poppa monkey and I didn't get a long much this past month.....mainly cuz of the place i was at...i just apologized over and over to him, i told him i don't know what was up with me....that i'm so angry.... it was like on one hand i just want to throw in the towel..i give up...we're not going to be parents..i get it..... and on the other hand...i will do whatever it takes, i will keep fighting until i can't fight anymore.
*sigh*
Our Spirit Baby consultation (where our future child hopefully will communicate with us) will be Thursday....i'm sooo looking forward to it.....
i know our baby is coming soon..i feel it.
A few weeks ago i dreamt of our baby...i know it was our baby because it had my birthmark....i've never dreamt of my baby before....i've dreamt of friends babies, and other babies b4, none like this where i knew 100% that the baby in my dream was mine.
Poppa monkey has also been dreaming of babies....he's dreamt of having a daughter, a few times... (i've had 3 psychics tell me that i'm going to have girls)
At my last acupuncture, i was feeling better and all the way home all that was on the radio was baby stuff...it was crazy!! That song by Brad Paisley - one of the lines is - 'i can see you with a baby on the way' - yeah, that was the verse of that song that just happened to be playing when i turned on the radio and then i flipped to another channel and it was a commercial about pregnancy tests and then i flipped to another station about some couple going to some fertility clinic and then i flipped to another station and it was another song about having a baby girl ....it was insane....but i know the universe is speaking to me, our 'spirit baby' is speaking to us.....
I had dinner with an old friend from childhood, our paths would cross now and again and we recently have reconnected since we're both going through similar things, male factor fertility issues. It's crazy, cuz she makes me feel like i'm normal, she's had similar thoughts, feelings, emotions....and it's like we've flipped places...shes was always in that very emotional, crying all the time stage and i was strong and going with the flow..and now i'm so emotional about it and she's the strong one. I worry though what's going to happen when one of gets pregnant before the other. I've learned in other friendships where there is fertility issues, that they 'forget' us, those who continue to suffer in silence.....which i don't blame them or anything and i guess i understand, but just because you're expecting doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore and espeically since they were also going through fertilty issues....they should know that more then anything. I know with this friend, if i got pregnant first, her lack of enthusiasm and tears would be nothing personal, but i would understand the place she's at. And i know if she got pregnant first, i would be happy for her, but i can't say that i wouldn't cry all the way home...not jealous tears, not pity tears....tears to God....tears for all the women out there who struggle everyday to get pregnant, tears for those who have lost their babies and tears to cleanse the soul....
I've been in a really strange place for the month of March.....angry, frustrated...i think i cried everyday.... Fertility issues cause a lot of other issues......issues that trickle down into a marriage, relationships with others and yourself.
I don't know what it was about March....but i haven't felt the way i did since December 2008/early 2009 when we were first told that 'we'd never have kids.'
In March - i don't know if it was that i just want a healthy baby so badly and i want to feel a baby growing inside my body or if it was that it seemed like every 2 days someone else was announcing that they were pregnant and it was a constant reminder of what my body can not do or what - but March kicked my butt big time.
Poppa monkey and I didn't get a long much this past month.....mainly cuz of the place i was at...i just apologized over and over to him, i told him i don't know what was up with me....that i'm so angry.... it was like on one hand i just want to throw in the towel..i give up...we're not going to be parents..i get it..... and on the other hand...i will do whatever it takes, i will keep fighting until i can't fight anymore.
*sigh*
Our Spirit Baby consultation (where our future child hopefully will communicate with us) will be Thursday....i'm sooo looking forward to it.....
i know our baby is coming soon..i feel it.
A few weeks ago i dreamt of our baby...i know it was our baby because it had my birthmark....i've never dreamt of my baby before....i've dreamt of friends babies, and other babies b4, none like this where i knew 100% that the baby in my dream was mine.
Poppa monkey has also been dreaming of babies....he's dreamt of having a daughter, a few times... (i've had 3 psychics tell me that i'm going to have girls)
At my last acupuncture, i was feeling better and all the way home all that was on the radio was baby stuff...it was crazy!! That song by Brad Paisley - one of the lines is - 'i can see you with a baby on the way' - yeah, that was the verse of that song that just happened to be playing when i turned on the radio and then i flipped to another channel and it was a commercial about pregnancy tests and then i flipped to another station about some couple going to some fertility clinic and then i flipped to another station and it was another song about having a baby girl ....it was insane....but i know the universe is speaking to me, our 'spirit baby' is speaking to us.....
I had dinner with an old friend from childhood, our paths would cross now and again and we recently have reconnected since we're both going through similar things, male factor fertility issues. It's crazy, cuz she makes me feel like i'm normal, she's had similar thoughts, feelings, emotions....and it's like we've flipped places...shes was always in that very emotional, crying all the time stage and i was strong and going with the flow..and now i'm so emotional about it and she's the strong one. I worry though what's going to happen when one of gets pregnant before the other. I've learned in other friendships where there is fertility issues, that they 'forget' us, those who continue to suffer in silence.....which i don't blame them or anything and i guess i understand, but just because you're expecting doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore and espeically since they were also going through fertilty issues....they should know that more then anything. I know with this friend, if i got pregnant first, her lack of enthusiasm and tears would be nothing personal, but i would understand the place she's at. And i know if she got pregnant first, i would be happy for her, but i can't say that i wouldn't cry all the way home...not jealous tears, not pity tears....tears to God....tears for all the women out there who struggle everyday to get pregnant, tears for those who have lost their babies and tears to cleanse the soul....
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