update

So, i had blood work and ultrasound on Friday - tech said my uterus was BEAUTIFUL! Well,that's good to know....lol. I even got a fancy dancy picture of it that i proudly have hung on the frig. My estrogen level is low, so i've had to add more estrogen then just the patches..... whoo weee....one more thing to shove up in unmentionables...lol.

Got my circles drawn on the backside for target practice which will begin next week...joy. Still feeling good about this cycle and hoping we'll get some great news in the next few weeks.

tears....

this round, although i feel i'm much less anxious and stuff about everything.... i am also much more emotional.... i can cry at the drop of anything.....someone says yellow....i'm balling my eyes out. I see a cute chimerical commercial on tv....tears. FYI-what the h-e-double hockey sticks is a chimerical? that's what came up when i spelled checked commercial....hmmm. I hear Celine Dion went into the hospital...balling. I look at my dog Clover, tears some more. I think about my hubby, i'm balling my eyes out again.....and then i sit there crying and laughing ....laughing cuz i don't know why i'm crying.....LOL...

Anyways, i was reading Mark McGrath's blog he wrote about his fertility struggles and i obviously, started crying reading it but started laughing when i read this piece about those big shots i'm all worried about....so you know why i'm worried about them...he describes them as ....."when I saw the size of the Pulp Fiction-adrenaline style needles that needed to be plunged into her derrière" LOL -and then you all wonder why i'm all worried about getting all Anna Nicole Smith on ya all with a big ole infection in my butt and die.... Ah, the joys of infertility....


You can read the 'blog' here...
http://celebritybabies.people.com/2010/09/29/mark-mcgraths-blog-our-fertility-journey-part-1/

here is part II

http://celebritybabies.people.com/2010/10/06/mark-mcgraths-blog-our-fertility-journey-part-2/

hmmmm

so i have a friend who is expecting her 5th child. I have always wanted to have 5 children.....3 boys, 2 girls....the girls being in the middle, children 3&4....lol.
It's crazy to think that here i always imagined that i'd have a large family, and yet, i don't even know if i'll have a child. And then i think, how crazy is that, if we have 2 at once...lol. I never thought i'd have twins, ever. It's crazy to think that we could have two.....at once. And ya know what, everyone just assumes we would be done having children if we had twins.....like oh, well, you got your two, so why would you even try for more....well, i think we would. I mean, just cuz we have twins doesn't mean i don't want more kids....i mean, if we had to do IVF again, probably wouldn't happen, but if we had embryos left over, maybe i'd do FET's until we used up our eggs..... i suppose we'd explore that option when we get there...

This time around with our FET coming up, Hubby and i were just talking about it today and i said, 'i have a really good feeling about this round' and hubby says, 'honestly, i haven't even really thought it about.' to which i replied, 'well, i've thought about it everyday cuz i've been doing my shots.' And then hubby said, 'well, it'll be more real once i'm giving you a shot in ur butt.' lol. I just don't feel so stressed or anxious about it....the shots aren't consuming my thoughts so much this time around....maybe it's because i know what to expect, maybe because it's a little more natural? I dunno how to explain it. I mean, last time it was like shot time was 8pm.....i would start thinking about the shots b4 i left work and think about how i was going to plan out my evening so i can be done with everything i needed to be done with by 8pm....and then i'd lay on the couch for about 1 hr and go to bed. This time, sometimes i forget about the shots...i'll be watching tv and all of a sudden i think 'shoot, what time is it' and it's like 930pm....phew, didn't miss my shots yet. I'm working out til transfer day this time around too. i dunno, things just feel different...and i hope that's a good sign.

now you see me, now you don't......

and now you see me again...lol. Things have been 'emotional' to say the least. But know that hubby and i are doing okay. Our failed IVF will not define us, nor will our infertility. The way we look at it, is that IVF #1 is just another bump in the road....we've been on this road for almost 3 years now.....we should have just expected this....but on the other hand, i'm glad we were excited and hopeful. Apparently, nothing can be just easy for us, so we just have to work a little harder.

We're gearing up for round 2 - an FET coming up -- I've read that with FET (frozen embryo transfer) are statistically less successful then a fresh transfer (IVF) however, FET's are so much more natural. There has been a lot of info out there that show FET's can be successful because you aren't putting your body through the stress of all the meds and such that you do with a IVF cycle.
With the FET, i will be doing my one lupron shot, which will end by the time i have to begin my PIO (the dreaded shot in the butt)shot, which i will only have to do every 3 days......one of which happens to fall on my birthday.....happy birthday to me, i get a big ass shot in my butt....wooo hoooo!! I will do estrogen patches and the progesterone vag. suppositories again....otherwise, i'm not stimming anything, so that's great.

I was feeling a little uncertain if i was ready to do this again....but after allowing myself to grieve and heal........we're ready to go and we're excited. One thing about having to do more then one cycle, is you literally have to forget what happened last time....otherwise, it'll weigh you down.... So, although we won't forget our 'first 2 babies'...we're excited for the future and hope that if not both, but at least one of our babies this time around will stick. :) I am hopeful and know that if it is going to happen, it will happen.

Have you watched Guiliana and Bill? (Bill was the first apprentice with Donald Trump and Guiliana does the E! channel) Anyways, they have been filming their struggles and monday night they did a IVF cycle....it worked,(she later miscarries unfort.) but it was nice to hear their conversations, since many seemed to come straight from our house...their feelings and fears and all that, is so real....cuz we had those same feelings and fears. And it was great, cuz my family can watch the show and get a better understanding of what we are going through.....they got to see Guiliana after her retrieval and saw how much pain she was in, how uncomfortable she was...now they understand what i went through....they just never got to see it.....kwim... The best part, maybe i'll run into them one day, we just happen to go to the same place...
If you don't watch it, i suggest you do.... Monday nights at 7pm on Style channel.

headaches....

I hate BCP..... they give me headaches. So, well, i survived the end of the end....and DH and i are pretty hopeful for round 2. We talked about it yesterday and it was nice conversation. :) So, i was just looking at my meds schud. and noticed that my very first PIO shot is going to be when i'm away for a scrap booking retreat with some girlfriends. When i think about this, i start to laugh, cuz now i'm not all that worried about the pain, now all i can think about is how this friend has to see my butt...LOL and then give me a shot. This is soo embarrassing for me...i hate butts, there is nothing cute or adorable about butts.... i mean not that i see a ton of ppl's backsides, but still.....it's a butt.

So, hubby and i are going to try and defy nature....we've been switching things up..when we met with the dr, we switched sides we usually sit on when we talk with him...and now we're sleeping on the other side of the bed.....everything about this cycle is going to be different....i'm taking my meds/shots at a different time, i have a new shot, DH has to now give me a shot and i'll change up the music this time too, although.... (I don't wanna lose)your love tonight - by The Outfields....has a good beat. :) I don't know who sings the version i have on CD, but it's a little faster then the orginal...

The end.

I'm probably going to be a wee bit TMI in this post, so if you don't wanna read it....i'm warning you now.

Well, i ended up starting to cramp and spot on Thursday. So, the end was coming. I know we had our official blood work end, but to have my period, was the official end. The end of this cycle, the end of hope, dreams and the future of our babies. By friday i was cramping even more and had a heavy flow, blood clots and every time i wiped and had a blood clot on the toilet paper, i wondered if those where my babies. I bled a lot, at least for me, and was a little worried at first, i only had one other time i had a heavy period with cramps like this, and that was back in November of 2008....i thought i might've been pregnant...i cramped pretty bad and i remember i was shopping at Target and actually left the store i was cramping so much, i had blood clots then and my flow was so heavy i went through the pad i was wearing within the hour.....it was horrible. I have no idea if i actually might've been pregnant or not, but i still can remember that cycle month and I know that it was weird.

So, i was pretty bummed.....but i talked to someone and she justified my feelings... this was more then just a period - this was not a "oh, maybe it worked", darn it didn't....no,i did daily shots, i showed up for ultrasounds and blood work, i grew 18 eggs, we fertilized 9 of those....i saw them put back 2 fertilized eggs, i had 2 fertilized eggs in my uterus. I sang to our babies, i talked to our babies and we loved them so much....... and every time i cramped, every time i felt the blood coming out, every time i looked at those blood clots....i wondered....are those our babies....

My period is beginning to taper off, which means the end of the end is near. This cycle is officially done. I go in to the Dr tomorrow for bldwrk and ultrasound and to make sure my lining is thinning so we can prepare for round 2. This time, although i will not be stimulating my ovaries into the size of plums/ small grapefruits-- i have to do PIO shots....the ones in my butt. Yeah, lets just say i'm still nervous as heck about those and i still think i'm gonna get all Anna Nicole Smith and get an infection in my butt and die. I think i'm going to ask the nurse to draw circles with a sharpie on my butt cheeks so i know hubby knows where he needs to 'stab' me and that way we're more comfortable that he won't hit the bone.........ahhhh!!