thoughts

So, i've had a lot of thoughts these last few days....random thoughts and mostly about the health of my daughter.

I try to stay off google to get information, especially about pregnancy things, since there's a lot of info out there and some of it is wrong and scary.
I read up a little about thyroid things, since i know nothing about it. Turns out if you're thyroid is wack, especially during 1st trimester, baby can have cong and development disabilities. Oh and GD can cause speech impairment.... I'm so so so so worried and i know no matter what, we will love our baby - and i'm sure every mother wants the best for her child and wants them to be healthy...

I was thinking the other day just about all that our baby has gone through.... i mean, just getting to the point of being able to be viable and going through a blood clot and the stress with that, and continuing to grow strong despite all the stress....making it through blood pressure issues and now diabetes and thyroid stuff.... i mean, it just floors me that even in pregnancy, in the womb, she's still had to be a fighter. I just hope that the world is kind to her, and that she doesn't have to fight so hard out in the 'real world'.....that if she does have disabilities that the world isn't cruel......

While i had these worries yesterday as i was driving home, i saw a sign - the sign i get that lets me know that things are going to be okay. My sign are deer. The last time i saw deer, was shortly after i was in the ER with the bleeding and i was thinking about baby and all of a sudden a deer was just there, and i knew that everything would be okay. Prior to that, i saw some deer the morning of my BETA test, and one looked up and i swear it was like it saw me and just watched me drive by and i got chills and i just knew at that moment that the FET worked and i was pregnant. So i know everything will be okay - no matter what. Everything will be okay.

showers of food and Dr's

Had our first baby shower - it was fun..... We ended up getting a lot of great things - our stroller/car seat combo, bathtub, highchair, bouncer.....and other great things. Having some baby items around the house sure is making this very real....... when i was opening up some gifts i just started to think about how far we have come and i still am amazed that i am here, pregnant. That in a few short months we will have an amazing lil' girl here in our arms. The room is starting to come together as well - my dad came and installed the ceiling fan and now hubby just needs to get the crib together and then i can get the bookcase in there and the glider......


So i met with a nutritionist intake person on friday and i feel much better about what i'm doing. I do carbs by a point system, so like a banana is 2pts....and i need 2pts of carbs at breakfast and snacks. So for example, i usually now eat a piece of toast, which is 1pt with some PB on it (PB is free food)and then veggies or a hard boiled egg (which are free) and then a glass of milk, which is another point, so that's 2pts of Carbs. It's not horrible, but it's hard to eat carbs when i feel like it's making TreeHugger work harder...but i suppose that's just when my sugars are high is when she has to work hard. So far they've been pretty good. I do notice they are higher if i eat cereal, so i try not to eat that in the morning anymore.

This week has been pretty go go go, between doctors and appointments and finding out all this stuff that's going on.....then had 1 shower on saturday and then Easter on Sunday..... i think pregnancy is just catching up to me and i'm exhausted and run down. I started to not feel good yesterday late afternoon - it was like i felt kinda shaky or that i might pass out, my sugars were fine, so i knew it wasn't that, but i didn't like the feeling and it took awhile to shake it.... i ended up going to bed early, cuz my body was just DONE. I had a horrible time sleeping last night, got up every 2hrs starting at 930pm to pee....and on top of that, my feet swelled for the 1st time.... :( I'm thinking it was all the standing and walking around i did the last 3 days. I did take today off of work cuz i just wasn't feeling good.

I have my ultrasound for my thyroid tomorrow morning, i guess it can all be connected to the blood pressure issues i was having and the diabetes....so i was going to put it off a little, wanted to kinda deal with one thing at a time, but after my feet swelled a little yesterday, i decided that i won't wait and that my sugars are doing well and now lets get the thyroid checked out cuz maybe that will help prevent pre-e. UGH.

There's just so much going on with all the differrent doctors.....i don't even want to begin to see the bills when they start rolling in....

a new day....

with a new attitude.... well, kinda. lol. I am feeling much better or at least a little bit more at peace with everything. I finally talked to the Dr late yesterday night and she made me feel much better about things. She mentioned the things that i read up on --the big baby, getting stuck in the birth canal, still birth-- those risks should be low to me, those are for the women who have diabetes prior to pregnancy and also don't monitor their diabetes. She also mentioned that IVF/fertility patients tend to have a greater risk at developing GD. And, although some risks that are very real to me, like a c-section or pre-e (hopefully my blood pressure continues to behave) .....we're pretty sure we can handle this with diet. I will be monitored much more and so will the baby. At this point, every week in the womb is another week baby is stronger.

I see a specialist tomorrow who will teach me how track my blood sugar levels....hmmm, i wonder if i'm going to pass out poking my fingers..... i'm sure i'll cry at least with the 1st poke....and i may need to play some music again....ya know, hit me with your best shot.....it worked with the IVF needles, i'm sure it'll do it's job with these pokes too.

I know, you'd think by now i'd be a pro at needles, but lately the last few pokes the nurses have like torn apart my veins....when i did the 3hr, the 1st nurse couldn't get the blood to flow into the tube and was VERY descriptive in what was going on that i was like, seriously please stop going into detail, i'm going to pass out.....to which then i started to feel like i was going to pass out, which i ended up then crying cuz i hate the feeling of getting ready to pass out and the nurse is like, oh, are you sure you want to do this today..... YES, i'm sure i want to do this.....just STOP going into freakn' detail about what you're doing.....i'd much rather cry then pass out on you... So then on the 3rd blood draw, i had a different nurse, who rocked it until Miss I-go-into-details comes by and is like 'did you get it in their okay, her veins kinda turn' SERIOUSLY....again, with the details i don't need to imagine in my head...STOP! Then with the last poke, this other nurse just jabbed the needle in there and it seriously hurt so bad, it felt like she just poked right through my arm along with my vein....so then i started crying again, cuz at this point, i was tired, i was tired of being poked in the same spot and i didn't feel good...and now this nurse just tore right into my arm....and i'm like omg, that hurt and she's actually said, 'well, at least it's your last blood draw today.' SERIOUSLY!?!?!??! Can i please have the other nurse who was nice to me and didn't cause me any pain. Sorry, i'm a baby when it comes to needles, you don't have to be mean about it. geeez.

So, i'm just anxious to get started and monitor things.... i do have to say though i'm very disappointed that my banana that i have EVERY morning has like 19g of carbs!!!! Yeah, we'll hopefully be able to work that out....i love bananas!

party for one...

This is a pity me post...if you don't want to hear it, don't read it.

I don't have pity parties for me when it comes to my pregnancy, because really, i truly know what a blessing we've been given....and i did pray many nights to the big man upstairs that i would do anything, i would take on all the pregnancy related issues and take them in stride....if that meant i was pregnant, then by all means, bring it.

Well, today i am not taking it very well in stride...i don't feel like saying BRING IT.... yes, i failed my 3hr glucose test as well and now i have gestational diabetes. No, i'm not surprised with this, as i started this pregnancy over weight and my dad's side of the family is pretty much all diabetic, how it missed him and his siblings, who knows. I have always felt i have had some sort of insulin resistance, i have been asked in the last year when i've had to give my numerous blood donations to the Dr's about my blood sugar levels....to which i would tell them again, that there is a huge family history of diabetes and if we need to recheck, to which they say no.

I do not want this....

It kills me the most that this is something that is effecting our baby. Her body has to work over time cuz my body isn't working hard enough. I am still waiting to hear from the Dr about what the next steps are - which i assume will be meeting with a nutritionist so we can maintain this through a low carb diet...... I also read up on it and honestly, i'm a little scared...this can bring on pre-e (which i didn't think i had to worry so much about since my BP meds are working wonders and my BP has been awesome) and a bigger baby, which in turn can cause quite the tear, or they can get stuck in the birth canal and they can have nerve damage or a dislocated shoulder or die or i can have a stillborn or the baby can be diabetic or hypoglycemic or can have birth defects or ...... It sounds like most are in severe cases....i'm hoping i'm low, very, very low.

Ugh, it's just one more freakn' thing.... i mean --seriously, i think we've been through enough...... I am so scared of so much.... i just want to know that TreeHugger is safe and growing fine and living the life in her little bubble... I feel like i'm failing as a mom already, i can't even do pregnancy right, how the hell am i going to do motherhood right? How am i going to keep her safe out there in the crazy scary world, when i can't keep her safe in my womb?

I know that everything will be fine, every bump in the road we've hit, we've come through, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating or me any less sad. And i will do whatever it takes to keep TreeHugger healthy....

F...

F is for frustrated.
F is for fan-freakn-tastic.
F is for FAILED.

Yes, i failed my 1hr test. I should not be surprised by this information, but alas, i am sad that i failed. I actually think i'm more saddened that i failed a test....i don't fail things...LOL.

So, now i go monday for my 3hr test and i better pass it.

another test....

So tomorrow is the big GD test. I think i will do okay with my 1hr glucose test, but there's a piece of me that is totally nervous about tomorrow. I have gotten to become anxious before dr appointments because it seems like for awhile every time i went to the Dr's....something went wrong or there was some issue..... and then i wonder why my BP is higher at the Dr's office. I'm not looking forward to drinking the sugar drink, and what i'll feel like afterwords....which will probably be icky. I have been totally watching the sugar intake this week....i really, really, REALLY wanted a mini blizzard from DQ and i was like naw, i'll wait til thrs....ya know cuz that one blizzard is totally going to give me diabetes... I'm a little nervous about weight gain too....i've def. gained some weight and i don't like where it's going....ugh...i know it's only temp. I'm just like if i'm looking like this now, what will i look like in a month or even 2 months..... it's only temp. i know, and really i shouldn't care about the weight gain, but it's really been bothering me lately.....once tomorrow comes and goes, i know it'll be fine. On top of that i just haven't felt good today....it's getting harder to move and bend and do all the things i'm used to doing, i just get worn out easier. I feel like i could sleep for about a week....don't know if i have a cold coming on or all of a sudden i have allergies or maybe i have a sinus infection....not really sure, but i hope i feel better soon.

So, here's to tomorrow that it's a great Dr. Apt and i pass my 1hr GD test!

time....

is slowly going by.....

I'm almost down to double digits for how many days i have left. Today i have 109 days....crazy huh? This weekend we had some GREAT weather, i enjoyed every moment of it and actually got a lot done, cleared out TreeHuggers room, started to re-decorate the loft, cleaned my car, cleaned the garage.... but, i also felt it. I just can't move around or bend as easily as i used to be able to...i also can't lift a lot of things.... and swelling, well... my fingers swelled, nothing outragous or anything, but just enough to make my wedding rings uncomfortable feeling.. i could probably still wear them, but i hate the feeling of snug rings and i'm afraid if i wait til i get to work to put them on, i'll probably end up loosing them....my fingers are usually good by the time i get to work. I'm a little nervous at what Summer will bring, but at least i'll be able to soak in the pool..right? The bottoms of my feet hurt too this weekend, i think from all the standing and walking and moving on them i did....i almost thought about wrapping them up in ice packs....it was weird. Hubby felt TreeHugger from the outside the other day, he swears he felt her poke him on our Annv.....but this one was without a doubt her....it was pretty cool. Blood presure seems to be avg. at about 122/70, which isn't tooo shabby...i'd perfer that top number to be lower then 120, but actually it's pretty good.
I think baby is going to be growing again here soon...i've been SOOOOO Hungry today.... i had a bowl of cereal and banana around 8a, then i had my apples at like 1030a, then i had my bagel at like 11a, then i went to jewel to get some veggies cuz i was still starving and had some carrots and celery at like 1230p, along with a egg sandwhich.... that seemed to do it for now...but i feel like i'm getting hungry again...

Got the dresser in the room...woot! Now we're just waiting for the ceiling fan to get installed and then the crib can go up... It's becoming more and more real..... we're going to have a baby before summer is over.....that just floors me. When i was cleaning out my car, i told hubby - in like 3 months we're going to have a car seat in this car...crazy! I just want to hold the baby, see what she looks like, snuggle with her....i just want to see what type of little person she's going to turn into, what she's going to do with her life..... is she going to care about wildlife and nature or is she going to love the glam and ritz of the city life? Is she going to go to college or will she explore the world...

wow...

24 weeks..... actually, today i woke up thinking i was 25wks....whoops. i even sang happy 25wks to TreeHugger too....and then i checked my email and good thing baby center reminded me i was only 24 weeks...lol.

So i'm not a huge fish fan, but it's Lent and i've been having fish sticks the last few fridays with homemade tarter sauce....YUM. Tonight's fish sticks were especially yummy.....don't know why, my taste buds must've been in high gear while i was eating them.

So, i had a training today for work about missing and exploited children.....having a girl is making me sooo nervous....seriously, i do not know how she is going to do anything when she's attached to me...lol. Girl or not, it's crazy what a crazy and scary world it is out there....it's just not the same as it was even 20 years ago when i was little....my kids will never have a computer that has Internet access in their rooms, they will NEVER have a cell phone that has camera/Internet/video/txting abilities...it will be a phone to call in emergencies....until they get older, and even then it will be monitored. Honestly, it's all about COMMUNICATION - talk with your kids..... if they're older, it's not about the 'stranger danger' talk anymore, it's 'what would you do?' if this happens.... if an adult or older kid comes up to you at the park, what do you do? An adult should not be asking a child for directions... you turn around and run away! It's just crazy....

24wks....next week is my GD test... hope i pass!!!

crib!!

Woot....we got our crib!!
http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/60108663

So now it's really, really official...lol. I still have to take out the bed frame and box spring from the bed that's in there.... then we'll vacuum and steam clean the carpet. We still have to get the ceiling fan in there and switch out the dressers, which hopefully will be done in the next month.....We then have to organize the loft to accommodate the bed. I don't know where everything is going to go. I thought we were packing up the broken computer and desk, but now hubby wants to keep the desk in the loft, i think we should just get a cheap corner desk since i know we're NEVER going to use the desk..since we have the laptop...but he thinks he's going to sit at the desk with the laptop... it's just soo big and we can save it and get a small corner one.... There's a few thrift stores i'll stop in at and i'll hit up the garage sales and see if we can get something for cheap.

so much to still do, but i just feel like i don't know where to even begin....

hello month #6....

Yup, i've entered into my 6th month. Pretty cool, which means i'm nearing out my 2nd trimester and going to be entering into 3rd by the end of the month....

My belly def. popped....which would explain why i was so uncomfortable the last few days. I just absolutely love my baby bump... the other things that come with it ie-love handles expanding...that i don't love so much. I'm still floored that we're having a little girl and i think we've pretty much narrowed down the name, but we're not sure yet, so Tree Hugger Rhubarb she still is.



She's moving around as i'm typing this, and it just still amazes me every time i feel her move how incredibly grateful and lucky we are to be in this position of having a child. It really changes one's perspective when something you thought would be so easily attained and something that is wanted for sooo long may never happen. I still get teary eyed when i think about it, about everything that we've gone through to get to this place - all the people out there trying so desperately to have a family - it really makes me appreciate that i've been given this blessing and there's just something about it that makes it even more special, that i've got this bond with my baby daughter already....i just hope we remain close.