LOL

I can't really do anything more but laugh at myself. So, this month i didn't pay any attention to anything cycle wise....but i knew i was expecting my period at the end of the month.... i started to experience dizziness and nauseousness for the last 1.5 weeks and i finally went to the dr cuz i wasn't sure what was going on....well, of course they always ask me when my last cycle was ....so i made sure i looked at the calendar b4 i left....well, it was apparently a week late. So i meet with the dr, never once did anyone ask me about my cycle and i just kinda forgot about it anyways and i got diagnosed with vertigo. So, then i'm telling some friends and 4 of them asked ... "well, could you be pregnant?" I thought about it for about 1 sec that morning i went to the dr...and put it out of my mind cuz well, after 2.5 years of trying you don't ever think you are. So, then i started to think about it, and i googled all about symptoms...cuz well, i didn't have any...so i googled if your boobs HAVE to hurt (i learned they don't have to), i read about dizziness and nauseousness being symptoms and obviously, the late period and the bloat. So i told myself i would wait til next Friday....cuz maybe i ovulated late...who knows....but then i ended up falling asleep at 6pm Friday night, slept until 830/9am....then Saturday i was tired and felt very worn out and went to bed at 10 and slept until noon!!!!! Um, what is going on here....so i broke down and took a hpt..... obviously it was a big fat negative.....

Who am i kidding??? I didn't cry,i didn't do anything.... i just went right back to bed....pissed that i allowed myself to actually think for a few hours that i might be pregnant......poppa monkey was so wanting this with me.....he was bummed this morning when i told him - we actually both said how nice it was to have some hope to believe that it might happen....which i think makes me sad..

Everything has been so negative that it would've been nice to get a positive... :)

I really wanted to believe in a miracle.....and that makes me sad too, cuz there are a lot of beautiful mommas getting ready to have their babies...each one their own little miracle...... i hope someday i get to experience my miracle.

i'm still here.....

I know, it's been like a month.....sorry about that....

Not much to really discuss.....right now i'm kinda NOT thinking about pregnancy and all things related to babies. Just waiting for a lot of my friends to have their babies....i have a few due in July & Aug and then Oct and Nov...... which when you think about it, one would think would make me think about babies...but i think i'm just trying not to think about MY babies....know what i mean?

acupuncture is just about done for poppa monkey....he'll get a SA here soon so we will know if it worked.....i'll report back on that once we know.

I have finally accepted the idea of IVF...and twins. I know that it is totally out of my control and so, it is what it is and if this is the journey we are to take, then so be it. If it means i'll be able to experience pregnancy and everything that comes with it, then IVF it is. So, poppa monkey and i are going to save $5,000 and then begin IVF....i want to have a little more of a cushion in savings and be able to put that much towards IVF and then the rest will be either on the credit cards or a loan..... We also want to pay off the 3 credit cards we have....we just paid of the 1....and we have 2 more to go!!! IT feels so good to pay those things down...i've always been very good with paying my credit cards off in full every month, but poppa monkey's hours got cut big time and we had to put stuff like groceries and gas on the credit cards.....but his hours have been restored thus far and we're able to pay some things down....THANKFULLY!!!

So, i'm content for the moment that we'll save what we can, pay off the credit cards and then it's sitting down with our parents, discussing our options and what the best route to go is and then we'll begin...so now i'm thinking later this year...maybe Nov/Dec or early next year....

So, i've done a GREAT job this month NOT thinking about all things related pregnancy...as soon as i think about it, i make myself think of something else....i'm just tired of 'knowing' ...knowing when i ovulate, knowing when my period should come...knowing when we'll have intercourse.... so this month, we did it when we wanted to, if we missed a day here or there, i didn't feel like that could have been the one time to conceive...i didn't pay attention to my body to see if i was ovulating and i just didn't 'care' this month....when we talked about our future with kids, it wasn't sad talking about it.....it was like hopeful, the way it used to be..... it's been nice...so i'm going to go with it til we start IVF and i'm hoping that will make IVF a little less scary for me.....

I'm also focusing my energy on losing weight.....something i've battled with since JR. High....i will beat it this summer!!!! I WILL!!!

So, i might not update very often for a few months until we begin IVF....i'll write more when IVF starts and go through that journey.....

I think i might finally be at PEACE with everything about the IVF and our journey to parenthood.....