Pity Party for one.....

Yeah....pity party for one. Yesterday was a rough day, i was sad and found out that yet another person i know is expecting. I can't stress enough that i'm happy for everyone who is blessed with a child....blessed with getting pregnant....but once in awhile...i can feel sad and frustrated....i'm allowed to.

The last 2 ppl that i know who have gotten pregnant have been trying for years. One for just over 2.5 years and had pretty much given up all hope, when she found herself excpecting. The newest gal, had a miscarriage 2 years ago, just sold all her baby stuff like 2 weeks ago that she had collected over the last 2 years (crib, changing table, clothes, diapers, etc) cuz her realtionship was on the outs, she reconsiled and just found out she is expecting...her partner's SA had come back horrible, she only had 1 working ovary that worked whenever it wanted to and given less then 2% chance of ever concieving.
So believe me when i say i'm sooo happy for them, for all the ladies i know in my life that are pregnant and expecting or just had their babies.....i don't wish fertility issues on anyone.....

But i can have my days....and i was crampy yesterday and AF should be here in the next two days or so....so, yeah, i'm pissed, i'm frustrated and honestly, i just don't get it...i've tried to not think about it, sex isn't calculated anymore, i'm not OPKn'....i just....what if i never get the chance to be a mom.

We had an earthquake this morning (i live in an area where earthquakes are rare) and i was just thinking...OMG, what if 2012 the world does end.....even if it does, and i only have just a breif time with a baby....as least i'd get to experience motherhood, i'd get to experience feeling a growing baby in my body....gosh, it's got to be just amazing to feel that...to know that you're creating a life. I don't want to die and never experience that.

So, i stuffed my face with reeses peieces, ice cream, chips and gaucamole and then i felt bad for eating out of emotions and PMS so i worked my butt off in the gym and i felt a little better....still want to be a mom though, still want to experience pregnancy, still want to hold a little baby that we make out of love and experience life as a parent.....i'm starting to loose hope....gosh i hope this fertility acupunture works.....cuz i need a little hope....

Wierd, the other day i was 'talking' to God (yes, i talk to God) and i was just venting to Him and of course asked for a sign and the next morning guess what i woke up to.....'Don't stop believing'!! by journey....right at that point of the song.... it of course made me chuckle....and although i'll never stop believing .... my faith and hope is being tested......