Sunday night thoughts....

1st - I am hotter then hot right now....so i can only think that means the witch is hopefully on her way..... ever since doing acupuncture, i don't really get cramps, but i get hot....and i used to get really hot b4 my period back in High school too...i guess we'll see... okay, onto some more random thoughts...

the witch has not showed her face yet. She is now going on 5 days late..and no i am not pregnant... i really, really wished i was...but alas, i am not...i have taken numerous hpt just to be sure...still stark white... but she can come anytime now...i thought for sure i'd be on BCP by now...but no....

I am going to call the fertility clinic tomorrow, cuz we're suppose to have our nurse's meeting Friday, but i don't know if i'm suppose to have started BCP and gotten my period b4 then..... la te da!

and the manual is where???

Ugh...today i'm frustrated and emotional, so i hope that means the witch is on her merry way. I applied for the loan today and we got approved, they called FCI and the financial lady called me.....and it went all down hill...... basically, there is a CD3 test they are waiting for me to do so they can fill out the IVF program plan we are doing....well, no one told me that had to be done B4....i had always been told that i can do it on the cycle we start BCP.....so now that test could possibly mess with the program and i just found out that there is a possibility that we might not get accepted into the plan....which we never realized was an option.....things they take into factoring if you get the plan ....medical health, history of miscarriages, sperm, and BMI - yeah.....we'll just leave that alone......

Anyways, so basically i tell the financial lady that there is no freakn' manual to this and i don't know what the heck i'm doing other then doing what ppl at her office are telling me to do..... i am relying on them to lead the way.... so then i started crying and i think i made the lady feel bad....so she goes all, i don't think there will be an issue, i just want to make sure everything is lined up and that tests are in and programs accepted....and then she goes....not to be pessimistic, but have you thought about what you will do if you don't get accepted into the plan..... *enter cricket noise* me: uh, no...cuz i guess i really never thought that was an option... So, whatever.......i can not control this and like i've said before, this is totally out of my control and i have to let the cards lay where they may.....so where ever they fall they fall and i have to just keep on pushing through.....

and so it begins....

so, i got a call from the one clinic where we're doing the retrevial and transfer..... we set up our nurse consult....ah!!! for next week!!!! double ahhh....we go in friday morning to 'discuss' our protocol and the Dr has it all ready...oMG...i'm so excitited..i mean, this is really, truely happening...... i'm still super nervous about the shots, but i'm feeling better about the idea of having twins....so, they kinda cancels each other out..lol.

Then the pharmacy calls and lets me know the price of the meds....and guess what?!?!?! Insurance will be covering some of it!!! whooo hooooo!! of course insurance won't cover the big stuff....but....i'll take what i can get covered...like the baby asprin...i think i have some of that laying around the house...... and i found out i get a patch....don't know if that's going to be BCP or for something else...hope i don't have too many shots in there.....

Anyways....it's crazy cuz when we decicided to go ahead...we just jumped in with both feet....everything really is happening so fast...it's surreal to me to think that i will be pregnant in like 6 weeks...no matter what the outcome is, i mean, even if it's only during those 2 weeks.... i will FINALLY be pregnant!!!! Oh man, i hope this works!!!! Even if it doesn't work on the 1st try...i really hope it works at some point during our 6 tries.

Hey, Hey...we're the monkey's..

so cute, my hubby, poppa monkey..... i love that he's so into having a baby...he's excitied for this journey in life with me and i couldn't be happier.

So, i realized i never explained what's up with the monkey stuff. Well....here goes.
So, i have a lot of hair on my head...i'm talking like i could cut half my hair off my head underneath and it'd still look like i've got a full head of hair..... and poppa monkey...well, he's got very strong eyebrows...and if i didn't wax mine, they'd be crazy...just like my hair......so anyways, i always said we'd have little hairy monkey children...i'll be waxing their eyebrows in their sleep (okay, okay, i really wouldn't.....) and they will probally be tiny like his cousin's kids and they all reminded me of little spider monkeys when they were just tiny babies...so......that's the story of the monkey's....

Hmm....i kinda have a taste for a banana...lol

the count down.....

is on?? I called the Fertility clinic today, all my bloodwork i got done last week came back normal (as expected) and she said once i get my period (in like 2 weeks) then i can start BCP and then i take those for about 3-4 weeks and then i get a period and then we begin the shots and retrevial and transfer....OMG.... Poppa monkey and i have been so excitied these last few days since we've started to finalize everything and have everything in order..i mean, it's really happening....this isn't just us talking about it 'one day'.....this one day is going to be soon. I"m soooooo excitied and nervous and happy and just like omg..i'm going to be a mom....... and there's a piece of me that also understands the reality of it all, and there's always the possiblity that it might not work.....but i don't want to think about that....i want to think about getting a Buddha belly and having a baby grow inside of me and experiencing this with the love of my life.....to explain my growing belly to my neice and nephew and have them feel the baby kick.... omg, i'm so happy....i just want to shout it out to the world that we're getting ready to do this.... OMG...oh.my.gosh!!!! :) :)

ummm....yeah.

I'm nervous.....like, super duper anxeity is up big time scared. I keep second guessing myself and the decision we're making. I mean, what if it's to soon and God has other plans for us......what if we're not suppose to have kids right now... i don't want to gain a ton of weight and not be able to get rid of it...... are we playing God? Are we rushing things? I feel like i just don't know if this is the right choice... i mean, the non scared me is ready for this, i'm pumped and i wanted to do this yesterday...... and the scared part is nervous and pit in my stomach scared.....what if we're rushing this....what if it doesn't work...... i want this so badly, but i'm so scared. It's not even about the shots anymore... its having to choose when we have kids..... i mean, it's totally different when you're 'trying' and then one day you wake up, pee on a stick and say, 'wow, we're pregnant'..i mean, you don't have a choice, you don't think about in 60 days you're going to do a procedure and most likely get pregnant.... ....it's like you just have to deal.... cuz there's no turning back...it's done. And this, this IVF....i mean, what if we don't get approved for the loan, what if we can't scrap together the money, what if it doesn't work.....there's so many unknowns.....

ARGH...why can't this just be so much easier....the decision made for us...... i hate this!!!

ahhhh!

So, i'm not going to lie here -- i'm nervous, i'm overwhelmed, i'm scared, i'm sad, i'm disappointed, i'm happy, i'm excited.....so many, many emotions i'm feeling...it's insane...

I have made some calls, am in the process of being approved for some programs and a loan...... blood work will happen on thrs and then once we're approved, we've got 60 days!!! I mean, 6 - 0.....sixty, 2 months, 60 days....and crazy to think in 72 days my heart could be breaking or finally after 2.5 years..we're gonna be parents!!!

I'm kinda feeling overwhelmed....when it comes to this medical stuff, i've been rather organized....i have every receipt, procedure, dr notes, files, etc..... so i'm the one making calls and trying to get this all set up.....which is in turn making me even more nervous and overwhelmed..i wish poppa monkey would help me out, but honestly, there's really nothing he can do at this point....which just frustrates me more. I just want it, the IVF, to just start up already....i just want to be done with it and be pregnant!!! I've been thinking a lot lately just how life will change with kids......and it's scary but exciting at the same time.
I had a dream the other day with my baby....this is the second dream i've had this year of my baby.....so i know our baby is coming.....i think it was a girl...a very tiny little girl and i was pushing her around in the car seat, which was a stroller....i had a friend in it and their baby as well.....usually i dream of friends who are pregnant and their babies... i dreamt about 2 friends and one was having a boy and one a girl....they hadn't found out yet what they were having, i told them my dream and then they ended up having what i had dreamt about...it was weird. So, the fact that i'm actually dreaming about MY baby is reassuring......it means they're coming.......

I just hope we're not rushing this.....i mean, it's weird, cuz for the last 2.5 years nothing has ever happened and now that we have to drop all this money i'm like well, maybe it really will be this month we get pregnant......lol.

And i'm sad....sad that we have to do IVF .....sad that my dream of being that barefoot and pregnant mom, wearing a moo-moo with a kid on her hip and 3 more covered in mud playing around her won't happen.... sad that we may only have one child, that i might not be able to give our child a sibling.... sad that we wont' be surprised....that i won't wake up one morning feeling icky and take a test and sit in shock that i'm staring at 2 pink lines.....sad that our family won't be surprised.... sad that even this might not work...... sad that parenthood has taken us on this route, a route i never imagined i'd ever be on....