ahhhh!

So, i'm not going to lie here -- i'm nervous, i'm overwhelmed, i'm scared, i'm sad, i'm disappointed, i'm happy, i'm excited.....so many, many emotions i'm feeling...it's insane...

I have made some calls, am in the process of being approved for some programs and a loan...... blood work will happen on thrs and then once we're approved, we've got 60 days!!! I mean, 6 - 0.....sixty, 2 months, 60 days....and crazy to think in 72 days my heart could be breaking or finally after 2.5 years..we're gonna be parents!!!

I'm kinda feeling overwhelmed....when it comes to this medical stuff, i've been rather organized....i have every receipt, procedure, dr notes, files, etc..... so i'm the one making calls and trying to get this all set up.....which is in turn making me even more nervous and overwhelmed..i wish poppa monkey would help me out, but honestly, there's really nothing he can do at this point....which just frustrates me more. I just want it, the IVF, to just start up already....i just want to be done with it and be pregnant!!! I've been thinking a lot lately just how life will change with kids......and it's scary but exciting at the same time.
I had a dream the other day with my baby....this is the second dream i've had this year of my baby.....so i know our baby is coming.....i think it was a girl...a very tiny little girl and i was pushing her around in the car seat, which was a stroller....i had a friend in it and their baby as well.....usually i dream of friends who are pregnant and their babies... i dreamt about 2 friends and one was having a boy and one a girl....they hadn't found out yet what they were having, i told them my dream and then they ended up having what i had dreamt about...it was weird. So, the fact that i'm actually dreaming about MY baby is reassuring......it means they're coming.......

I just hope we're not rushing this.....i mean, it's weird, cuz for the last 2.5 years nothing has ever happened and now that we have to drop all this money i'm like well, maybe it really will be this month we get pregnant......lol.

And i'm sad....sad that we have to do IVF .....sad that my dream of being that barefoot and pregnant mom, wearing a moo-moo with a kid on her hip and 3 more covered in mud playing around her won't happen.... sad that we may only have one child, that i might not be able to give our child a sibling.... sad that we wont' be surprised....that i won't wake up one morning feeling icky and take a test and sit in shock that i'm staring at 2 pink lines.....sad that our family won't be surprised.... sad that even this might not work...... sad that parenthood has taken us on this route, a route i never imagined i'd ever be on....