the count down.....

is on?? I called the Fertility clinic today, all my bloodwork i got done last week came back normal (as expected) and she said once i get my period (in like 2 weeks) then i can start BCP and then i take those for about 3-4 weeks and then i get a period and then we begin the shots and retrevial and transfer....OMG.... Poppa monkey and i have been so excitied these last few days since we've started to finalize everything and have everything in order..i mean, it's really happening....this isn't just us talking about it 'one day'.....this one day is going to be soon. I"m soooooo excitied and nervous and happy and just like omg..i'm going to be a mom....... and there's a piece of me that also understands the reality of it all, and there's always the possiblity that it might not work.....but i don't want to think about that....i want to think about getting a Buddha belly and having a baby grow inside of me and experiencing this with the love of my life.....to explain my growing belly to my neice and nephew and have them feel the baby kick.... omg, i'm so happy....i just want to shout it out to the world that we're getting ready to do this.... OMG...oh.my.gosh!!!! :) :)

ummm....yeah.

I'm nervous.....like, super duper anxeity is up big time scared. I keep second guessing myself and the decision we're making. I mean, what if it's to soon and God has other plans for us......what if we're not suppose to have kids right now... i don't want to gain a ton of weight and not be able to get rid of it...... are we playing God? Are we rushing things? I feel like i just don't know if this is the right choice... i mean, the non scared me is ready for this, i'm pumped and i wanted to do this yesterday...... and the scared part is nervous and pit in my stomach scared.....what if we're rushing this....what if it doesn't work...... i want this so badly, but i'm so scared. It's not even about the shots anymore... its having to choose when we have kids..... i mean, it's totally different when you're 'trying' and then one day you wake up, pee on a stick and say, 'wow, we're pregnant'..i mean, you don't have a choice, you don't think about in 60 days you're going to do a procedure and most likely get pregnant.... ....it's like you just have to deal.... cuz there's no turning back...it's done. And this, this IVF....i mean, what if we don't get approved for the loan, what if we can't scrap together the money, what if it doesn't work.....there's so many unknowns.....

ARGH...why can't this just be so much easier....the decision made for us...... i hate this!!!

ahhhh!

So, i'm not going to lie here -- i'm nervous, i'm overwhelmed, i'm scared, i'm sad, i'm disappointed, i'm happy, i'm excited.....so many, many emotions i'm feeling...it's insane...

I have made some calls, am in the process of being approved for some programs and a loan...... blood work will happen on thrs and then once we're approved, we've got 60 days!!! I mean, 6 - 0.....sixty, 2 months, 60 days....and crazy to think in 72 days my heart could be breaking or finally after 2.5 years..we're gonna be parents!!!

I'm kinda feeling overwhelmed....when it comes to this medical stuff, i've been rather organized....i have every receipt, procedure, dr notes, files, etc..... so i'm the one making calls and trying to get this all set up.....which is in turn making me even more nervous and overwhelmed..i wish poppa monkey would help me out, but honestly, there's really nothing he can do at this point....which just frustrates me more. I just want it, the IVF, to just start up already....i just want to be done with it and be pregnant!!! I've been thinking a lot lately just how life will change with kids......and it's scary but exciting at the same time.
I had a dream the other day with my baby....this is the second dream i've had this year of my baby.....so i know our baby is coming.....i think it was a girl...a very tiny little girl and i was pushing her around in the car seat, which was a stroller....i had a friend in it and their baby as well.....usually i dream of friends who are pregnant and their babies... i dreamt about 2 friends and one was having a boy and one a girl....they hadn't found out yet what they were having, i told them my dream and then they ended up having what i had dreamt about...it was weird. So, the fact that i'm actually dreaming about MY baby is reassuring......it means they're coming.......

I just hope we're not rushing this.....i mean, it's weird, cuz for the last 2.5 years nothing has ever happened and now that we have to drop all this money i'm like well, maybe it really will be this month we get pregnant......lol.

And i'm sad....sad that we have to do IVF .....sad that my dream of being that barefoot and pregnant mom, wearing a moo-moo with a kid on her hip and 3 more covered in mud playing around her won't happen.... sad that we may only have one child, that i might not be able to give our child a sibling.... sad that we wont' be surprised....that i won't wake up one morning feeling icky and take a test and sit in shock that i'm staring at 2 pink lines.....sad that our family won't be surprised.... sad that even this might not work...... sad that parenthood has taken us on this route, a route i never imagined i'd ever be on....

thoughts...

So.... going along with my previous post - although i was kinda disapointed that i allowed myself to get a wee bit excitied at the idea that i could be pregnant..... poppa monkey and i got a taste of what could be....and we're going with it....

So, we're marching forward and getting ready to jump in with both feet..we're at the point of driving to the pool...we've got our suits on and we're ready...
Tomorrow i'm setting up my apointment to get blood drawn so we're up to date with our shots and bloodwork and then poppa monkey is calling his Dr to set up his blood draw and then we call the clinic where we are having the transfer and retervail at to find out what the next steps are and to set discuss the loan/program we're signing up for/payment plan.... it seems to be all coming together very quickly and i'm feeling a little over whelmed by it all, but butterflies in my tummy at the same time.

See ya at the pool :)

LOL

I can't really do anything more but laugh at myself. So, this month i didn't pay any attention to anything cycle wise....but i knew i was expecting my period at the end of the month.... i started to experience dizziness and nauseousness for the last 1.5 weeks and i finally went to the dr cuz i wasn't sure what was going on....well, of course they always ask me when my last cycle was ....so i made sure i looked at the calendar b4 i left....well, it was apparently a week late. So i meet with the dr, never once did anyone ask me about my cycle and i just kinda forgot about it anyways and i got diagnosed with vertigo. So, then i'm telling some friends and 4 of them asked ... "well, could you be pregnant?" I thought about it for about 1 sec that morning i went to the dr...and put it out of my mind cuz well, after 2.5 years of trying you don't ever think you are. So, then i started to think about it, and i googled all about symptoms...cuz well, i didn't have any...so i googled if your boobs HAVE to hurt (i learned they don't have to), i read about dizziness and nauseousness being symptoms and obviously, the late period and the bloat. So i told myself i would wait til next Friday....cuz maybe i ovulated late...who knows....but then i ended up falling asleep at 6pm Friday night, slept until 830/9am....then Saturday i was tired and felt very worn out and went to bed at 10 and slept until noon!!!!! Um, what is going on here....so i broke down and took a hpt..... obviously it was a big fat negative.....

Who am i kidding??? I didn't cry,i didn't do anything.... i just went right back to bed....pissed that i allowed myself to actually think for a few hours that i might be pregnant......poppa monkey was so wanting this with me.....he was bummed this morning when i told him - we actually both said how nice it was to have some hope to believe that it might happen....which i think makes me sad..

Everything has been so negative that it would've been nice to get a positive... :)

I really wanted to believe in a miracle.....and that makes me sad too, cuz there are a lot of beautiful mommas getting ready to have their babies...each one their own little miracle...... i hope someday i get to experience my miracle.

i'm still here.....

I know, it's been like a month.....sorry about that....

Not much to really discuss.....right now i'm kinda NOT thinking about pregnancy and all things related to babies. Just waiting for a lot of my friends to have their babies....i have a few due in July & Aug and then Oct and Nov...... which when you think about it, one would think would make me think about babies...but i think i'm just trying not to think about MY babies....know what i mean?

acupuncture is just about done for poppa monkey....he'll get a SA here soon so we will know if it worked.....i'll report back on that once we know.

I have finally accepted the idea of IVF...and twins. I know that it is totally out of my control and so, it is what it is and if this is the journey we are to take, then so be it. If it means i'll be able to experience pregnancy and everything that comes with it, then IVF it is. So, poppa monkey and i are going to save $5,000 and then begin IVF....i want to have a little more of a cushion in savings and be able to put that much towards IVF and then the rest will be either on the credit cards or a loan..... We also want to pay off the 3 credit cards we have....we just paid of the 1....and we have 2 more to go!!! IT feels so good to pay those things down...i've always been very good with paying my credit cards off in full every month, but poppa monkey's hours got cut big time and we had to put stuff like groceries and gas on the credit cards.....but his hours have been restored thus far and we're able to pay some things down....THANKFULLY!!!

So, i'm content for the moment that we'll save what we can, pay off the credit cards and then it's sitting down with our parents, discussing our options and what the best route to go is and then we'll begin...so now i'm thinking later this year...maybe Nov/Dec or early next year....

So, i've done a GREAT job this month NOT thinking about all things related pregnancy...as soon as i think about it, i make myself think of something else....i'm just tired of 'knowing' ...knowing when i ovulate, knowing when my period should come...knowing when we'll have intercourse.... so this month, we did it when we wanted to, if we missed a day here or there, i didn't feel like that could have been the one time to conceive...i didn't pay attention to my body to see if i was ovulating and i just didn't 'care' this month....when we talked about our future with kids, it wasn't sad talking about it.....it was like hopeful, the way it used to be..... it's been nice...so i'm going to go with it til we start IVF and i'm hoping that will make IVF a little less scary for me.....

I'm also focusing my energy on losing weight.....something i've battled with since JR. High....i will beat it this summer!!!! I WILL!!!

So, i might not update very often for a few months until we begin IVF....i'll write more when IVF starts and go through that journey.....

I think i might finally be at PEACE with everything about the IVF and our journey to parenthood.....

been awhile

So, it's been awhile...sorry about that. Just the emotions that go along with the whole fertility struggle and honestly, been super busy. So, we met shortly after my test with the IVF dr....everything with me still looks great....so IVF it is.

Of course, insurance still doesn't cover IVF so i'm not sure how we're going to do this. If people thought i was stressed before....now i'm REALLY stressed out about this....how does a couple do this? How do you gather up $30,000 to spend on something that may or may not work. Unfort. due to the sperm morphology issue, we'll probably have to do more then one IVF, so we'd do a pkg program... This whole thing is crazy.

Sometimes i think this is God's way of showing us that we're just not meant to have kids. I just don't think trying to have kids should be this difficult....i just don't know what the right answer or decision is. There's a part of me that wants to cycle this year...do an egg transfer by September and if that doesn't work, another in November/December. I dunno...and then another part of me thinks i'm just being to impatient with it all, but then i think my goodness, i've been patiently waiting for 2.5 years to have a child!!!!! How much longer do i have to be patient for? And then i think maybe we should wait til i'm 35 and then i can qualify for a study and get free IVF cuz i'd be 'old' in the reproductive field.....yes, a women's odds of conceiving 35+ becomes much lower and harder.

I don't want to rush it, but at the same time i don't want to sit around twirling my thumbs on it either....i mean, i'm not getting any younger. i just always thought i'd be done having kids by the time i was 30 and now all my friends are having their kids and i would love my kids to grow up with them too.....
Today i'm just so over it.....if God wants me to surrender and throw up the white flag, i'm just about there.....i think no matter what there's always going to be a part of me that will ALWAYS just have hope -hope for miracles..... People beat the odds all the time....why can't we?