My white flag is up....it's waving...i surrender.
It's crazy the emotional roller coaster one goes on when they are trying to get pregnant and then throw in some fertility challenges, and it's quite the ride.
The past 2 weeks i've been feeling down, confused...not sure what to do.....
And today...i surrender. I am emotionally drained....i told poppa monkey, i'm done. I give up...we'll finish the acupuncture and then i'm done..... There's a reason why we aren't getting pregnant and no one can tell us how to fix it..so screw it..
I am so tired of crying, i am tired of trying everything under the sun and moon and nothing working...i am tired. I am tired of hearing about people trying so hard to get pregnant only to have it end in a miscarriage, i'm tired of hearing about people getting pregnant period. I am tired of trying for our 1st while ppl we know starting trying after us and are now pregnant with their 3rd child...i am tired.
Have we wasted the money on the acupuncture, maybe...maybe not. If anything, we'll walk away knowing we tired yet one more thing and if poppa monkey's allergies are better and i'm more balanced, then awesome.....we can't get our money back, so we might as well benefit from it as much as we can. I feel foolish that i allowed them to give us false hope.....i am no longer optismistic. I want results and i want them now. I am tired of waiting...2.5 years of waiting is far more then i ever thought i'd have to wait......so i'm done. I'm throwing in the towel and i'm done....
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Wordless Wednesday...
Whoops, i forgot all about my wordless wednesday, although mine aren't really wordless....but here's a picture of my new ear wear......it's tiny tacks that i have in both my ears for my acupunture, it helps to keep it flowing and i can press on them if i have a headache etc. It works...and it's helped me sleep too....NICE!!
And a quote a just found...
"If life was easy, where would all the adventure's be?" -unknown
Pity Party for one.....
Yeah....pity party for one. Yesterday was a rough day, i was sad and found out that yet another person i know is expecting. I can't stress enough that i'm happy for everyone who is blessed with a child....blessed with getting pregnant....but once in awhile...i can feel sad and frustrated....i'm allowed to.
The last 2 ppl that i know who have gotten pregnant have been trying for years. One for just over 2.5 years and had pretty much given up all hope, when she found herself excpecting. The newest gal, had a miscarriage 2 years ago, just sold all her baby stuff like 2 weeks ago that she had collected over the last 2 years (crib, changing table, clothes, diapers, etc) cuz her realtionship was on the outs, she reconsiled and just found out she is expecting...her partner's SA had come back horrible, she only had 1 working ovary that worked whenever it wanted to and given less then 2% chance of ever concieving.
So believe me when i say i'm sooo happy for them, for all the ladies i know in my life that are pregnant and expecting or just had their babies.....i don't wish fertility issues on anyone.....
But i can have my days....and i was crampy yesterday and AF should be here in the next two days or so....so, yeah, i'm pissed, i'm frustrated and honestly, i just don't get it...i've tried to not think about it, sex isn't calculated anymore, i'm not OPKn'....i just....what if i never get the chance to be a mom.
We had an earthquake this morning (i live in an area where earthquakes are rare) and i was just thinking...OMG, what if 2012 the world does end.....even if it does, and i only have just a breif time with a baby....as least i'd get to experience motherhood, i'd get to experience feeling a growing baby in my body....gosh, it's got to be just amazing to feel that...to know that you're creating a life. I don't want to die and never experience that.
So, i stuffed my face with reeses peieces, ice cream, chips and gaucamole and then i felt bad for eating out of emotions and PMS so i worked my butt off in the gym and i felt a little better....still want to be a mom though, still want to experience pregnancy, still want to hold a little baby that we make out of love and experience life as a parent.....i'm starting to loose hope....gosh i hope this fertility acupunture works.....cuz i need a little hope....
Wierd, the other day i was 'talking' to God (yes, i talk to God) and i was just venting to Him and of course asked for a sign and the next morning guess what i woke up to.....'Don't stop believing'!! by journey....right at that point of the song.... it of course made me chuckle....and although i'll never stop believing .... my faith and hope is being tested......
The last 2 ppl that i know who have gotten pregnant have been trying for years. One for just over 2.5 years and had pretty much given up all hope, when she found herself excpecting. The newest gal, had a miscarriage 2 years ago, just sold all her baby stuff like 2 weeks ago that she had collected over the last 2 years (crib, changing table, clothes, diapers, etc) cuz her realtionship was on the outs, she reconsiled and just found out she is expecting...her partner's SA had come back horrible, she only had 1 working ovary that worked whenever it wanted to and given less then 2% chance of ever concieving.
So believe me when i say i'm sooo happy for them, for all the ladies i know in my life that are pregnant and expecting or just had their babies.....i don't wish fertility issues on anyone.....
But i can have my days....and i was crampy yesterday and AF should be here in the next two days or so....so, yeah, i'm pissed, i'm frustrated and honestly, i just don't get it...i've tried to not think about it, sex isn't calculated anymore, i'm not OPKn'....i just....what if i never get the chance to be a mom.
We had an earthquake this morning (i live in an area where earthquakes are rare) and i was just thinking...OMG, what if 2012 the world does end.....even if it does, and i only have just a breif time with a baby....as least i'd get to experience motherhood, i'd get to experience feeling a growing baby in my body....gosh, it's got to be just amazing to feel that...to know that you're creating a life. I don't want to die and never experience that.
So, i stuffed my face with reeses peieces, ice cream, chips and gaucamole and then i felt bad for eating out of emotions and PMS so i worked my butt off in the gym and i felt a little better....still want to be a mom though, still want to experience pregnancy, still want to hold a little baby that we make out of love and experience life as a parent.....i'm starting to loose hope....gosh i hope this fertility acupunture works.....cuz i need a little hope....
Wierd, the other day i was 'talking' to God (yes, i talk to God) and i was just venting to Him and of course asked for a sign and the next morning guess what i woke up to.....'Don't stop believing'!! by journey....right at that point of the song.... it of course made me chuckle....and although i'll never stop believing .... my faith and hope is being tested......
Thursday, February 4, 2010
IVF
So, i haven't explained why after being told by medical Dr's that IVF is really our only way to have a child...why haven't we done the IVF----well, let me explain...
IVF scares the crap-ola out of me! Plain and simple.
The thought of injecting my body with hormones and getting bloated and then having my body produce a ton of eggs, take them out and petri-dish them with the lil' swimmers and then shove 'em back in my body and hope and pray that they stick....it's just sooo un-natural to me.
I'm in no way against IVF - it's just right now, it's not for me or us. I give props to those ladies who have to endure numerous rounds of IVF...and those who it works for them the 1st time....If IVF is for you, then by all means...go for it.
With that being said.....
I was on birt control pills(BCP) for years - 9-9.5 years..give or take a few months --and when i went off them i felt a little crazy, but then once they were out of my body....i felt like a different person, i wasn't as moody and bitchy...i was 'normal'. I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER go back on birth control!!!!(now, obviously, if i do IVF, i will have to be medicated with BCP so my cycle is regulated) I started BCP cuz my cycles were irregular and my friend had just started them and loved that she knew when her cycle was going to start....i wanted that...i was tired of always having to carry feminie products with me cuz there was no real rhyme or reason for my cycles.... NEVER again..... *Now, i'm not saying to never take BCP - take them at your own risk--if you don't use them, use some other sort of protection*
Sometimes, when i hear about a friend who is having a harder time getting pregnant and i hear she was on BCP for years....i wonder, i wonder if that has any correlation.
Anyways--so, IVF....so, when i think about how much BCP messed with my body and really how un-natural it all is....i just don't know if i want to put all those hormones into my body again...
I feel like i'm playing GOD ....if it's meant to be - it will be. I read a book called Hannah's Hope (http://www.hannah.org/ - that's the website and then you can find the book from there) and it talks about Hannah in the Bible who was wanting a child so much...she cried, she prayed and God gave her a child....and then he gave her like 5 more.....the point is.....i feel like when the time is right, GOD will give us children -- I know our prayers will be answered, it just won't be on my time.
Another Moral issue, is when they harvest my eggs, what if i produce like 10 eggs, and they all last the 5 days in the petri-dish...i'm only going to be putting in 2 eggs, and if that works the first time, what do i do with the left over 8 fertilized eggs? Obviously, if we have twins, i'm not sure we'd try again....maybe we'd only put in 1 egg if we tried again, but i'm still left with fertilized eggs--they are eggs that have my DNA and poppa monkey's DNA in them....they're our little baby monkeys...i can't just throw them away...i'm not sure i'd want to have someone buy them to use cuz those are my babies....and i can't just freeze them forever.....
I really don't want twins. I think i'm like one of the very few people out there that don't want twins...now, obviously, if we were blessed with twins....by all means, we would be so incredibly grateful....however, i also don't want to increase that chance. I realize that the percentage of twins through IVF is actually very low (something like 25%)....it's still increasing it significantly if we didn't do IVF.
Our insurance plan doesn't cover IVF or any fertility treatments. Crazy, since i live in a state that is mandated to cover IVF and IUI's (insemination) - but there's always a catch.... like, poppa monkey's work pays for it's own insurance... There's also if you have less then 25 employees and something else to meet this exception. Of course, HMO HAS to cover it, but poppa monkey's work doesn't offer an HMO.... So, we've looked up IVF plans - one that is money back if we don't come home with a live baby - is $30,000!!!! and that's not including the thousands we'd have to spend in meds. If we just did a regular cycle - then it's like $17,000, and again not including the meds. So, we can't afford to spend all this money on something that MAY or MAY NOT even work. I've known some couples that IVF works the 1st time and they only end up with a singleton and i've known some couples who have gone through IVF more then 2 times.....i just don't know if i can go through the emotional toll IVF can cause...i mean, technically, once those fertilized eggs are transfer ed back, you're pregnant...and then to have to wait to see if they stick....*sigh*
So, I know we've been told that we have a less then 1% chance of conceiving naturally, but i've seen people beat the odds, i've heard stories of people beating the odds.....and if we can conceive as naturally as possible, then let's do it!!! After all, 1% isn't 0...so, we still have a chance and miracles can happen everyday.
IVF scares the crap-ola out of me! Plain and simple.
The thought of injecting my body with hormones and getting bloated and then having my body produce a ton of eggs, take them out and petri-dish them with the lil' swimmers and then shove 'em back in my body and hope and pray that they stick....it's just sooo un-natural to me.
I'm in no way against IVF - it's just right now, it's not for me or us. I give props to those ladies who have to endure numerous rounds of IVF...and those who it works for them the 1st time....If IVF is for you, then by all means...go for it.
With that being said.....
I was on birt control pills(BCP) for years - 9-9.5 years..give or take a few months --and when i went off them i felt a little crazy, but then once they were out of my body....i felt like a different person, i wasn't as moody and bitchy...i was 'normal'. I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER go back on birth control!!!!(now, obviously, if i do IVF, i will have to be medicated with BCP so my cycle is regulated) I started BCP cuz my cycles were irregular and my friend had just started them and loved that she knew when her cycle was going to start....i wanted that...i was tired of always having to carry feminie products with me cuz there was no real rhyme or reason for my cycles.... NEVER again..... *Now, i'm not saying to never take BCP - take them at your own risk--if you don't use them, use some other sort of protection*
Sometimes, when i hear about a friend who is having a harder time getting pregnant and i hear she was on BCP for years....i wonder, i wonder if that has any correlation.
Anyways--so, IVF....so, when i think about how much BCP messed with my body and really how un-natural it all is....i just don't know if i want to put all those hormones into my body again...
I feel like i'm playing GOD ....if it's meant to be - it will be. I read a book called Hannah's Hope (http://www.hannah.org/ - that's the website and then you can find the book from there) and it talks about Hannah in the Bible who was wanting a child so much...she cried, she prayed and God gave her a child....and then he gave her like 5 more.....the point is.....i feel like when the time is right, GOD will give us children -- I know our prayers will be answered, it just won't be on my time.
Another Moral issue, is when they harvest my eggs, what if i produce like 10 eggs, and they all last the 5 days in the petri-dish...i'm only going to be putting in 2 eggs, and if that works the first time, what do i do with the left over 8 fertilized eggs? Obviously, if we have twins, i'm not sure we'd try again....maybe we'd only put in 1 egg if we tried again, but i'm still left with fertilized eggs--they are eggs that have my DNA and poppa monkey's DNA in them....they're our little baby monkeys...i can't just throw them away...i'm not sure i'd want to have someone buy them to use cuz those are my babies....and i can't just freeze them forever.....
I really don't want twins. I think i'm like one of the very few people out there that don't want twins...now, obviously, if we were blessed with twins....by all means, we would be so incredibly grateful....however, i also don't want to increase that chance. I realize that the percentage of twins through IVF is actually very low (something like 25%)....it's still increasing it significantly if we didn't do IVF.
Our insurance plan doesn't cover IVF or any fertility treatments. Crazy, since i live in a state that is mandated to cover IVF and IUI's (insemination) - but there's always a catch.... like, poppa monkey's work pays for it's own insurance... There's also if you have less then 25 employees and something else to meet this exception. Of course, HMO HAS to cover it, but poppa monkey's work doesn't offer an HMO.... So, we've looked up IVF plans - one that is money back if we don't come home with a live baby - is $30,000!!!! and that's not including the thousands we'd have to spend in meds. If we just did a regular cycle - then it's like $17,000, and again not including the meds. So, we can't afford to spend all this money on something that MAY or MAY NOT even work. I've known some couples that IVF works the 1st time and they only end up with a singleton and i've known some couples who have gone through IVF more then 2 times.....i just don't know if i can go through the emotional toll IVF can cause...i mean, technically, once those fertilized eggs are transfer ed back, you're pregnant...and then to have to wait to see if they stick....*sigh*
So, I know we've been told that we have a less then 1% chance of conceiving naturally, but i've seen people beat the odds, i've heard stories of people beating the odds.....and if we can conceive as naturally as possible, then let's do it!!! After all, 1% isn't 0...so, we still have a chance and miracles can happen everyday.
2010- New Year, New Adventures....
So, i 'blogged' about how we got here - this crazy fertility journey....you may have wondered (if anyone is actually out there reading this) where are we now?
Here's a mini time line--(as mini as i can squeeze 2+years into)
December 2007- began the journey to parenthood in Hawaii
October 2008- annual girl exam, which turned into, you probably have PCOS and here, let's get you started on Clomid and metaformin(sp) and let's schud. a SA for poppa monkey and an HSG for you.... can we say OVERWHELMED!?!?!
December 2008 - Momma monkey's HSG - all good!!
Poppa Monkey's 1st SA -not so good-
January 2009-August 2009 - Poppa Monkey begins male fertility vitamins, has 2 more SA's, meets with a urologist, and momma monkey starts charting, temping, OPKn' and getting more and more discouraged that we're never going to have a child and more and more disappointed every month.
Late summer/early Fall 2009- Meet with fertility Dr. that some friends who were undergoing IVF and IUI's recommended. Told we have less then 1% chance of conceiving on our own and that IVF is the only way. We are given a sheet with numerous tests to get completed before IVF can begin.
November 2009- Poppa Monkey gets a DNA test(i'll have to look up the test name on our paperwork) to see if the morphology issue is due to having no or bad DNA in the lil' swimmers....Momma Monkey gets a ultrasound of her ovaries (very cool!!)
December 2009 - Both Poppa&Momma monkey's tests come back NORMAL!!! Hope is restored...
While our hope was restored - it still didn't give us answers as to WHY poppa monkey's morphology was bad - they have ruled out the major things, but still we don't have answers to WHY - So, no answers as to HOW to treat this....
It was around this time that i kept hearing about acupuncture and a few of my friends recommended that i should try it as either it worked for their aliments or they knew people who had later on gotten pregnant. I googled fertility acupuncture one day and came across a agency - it was meant to be..i loved everything about what they said...so we took a leap....we meet with the Dr. and Sunshine (i'll call her that cuz she's pretty much a ball of sunshine)-i pretty much cried the whole consultation but i loved everything about their program and i loved their chemistry together.
January 2010 - Start fertility acupuncture
I began the acupuncture first - because i'm the mommy and i'm going to be carrying the baby, they had to see where my Chi (energy) was blocked and if i would even respond to acupuncture....i got some charts, found where my chi is blocked and began the needle pricking. :)
Actually, i have to say, it doesn't hurt and i haven't passed out yet (i have been known to pass out/get super woozy and almost pass out when getting shots/seeing needles) It actually feels good -i always feel drained but super duper relaxed...i just feel 'balanced'
My sleep is getting better (i've been known to be quite the insomniac) and my period was actually much better this month - not a lot of cramping or blood clots.
After 3 sessions, they retested me and the acupuncture did balance some of my Chi and i am much more evenly balanced with my Yin/Yang - because i'm the more balanced one, they sat me and poppa monkey down and decided that since poppa monkey has a known issue with the morphology - they would see him 1x a week and me only 2x a month. He's also getting allergy acupuncture -which i'm super excited about cuz his allergies are HORRIBLE!!!
February 2010 - Poppa monkey begins fertility acupuncture(and he likes it)
And so the journey continues.....
Here's a mini time line--(as mini as i can squeeze 2+years into)
December 2007- began the journey to parenthood in Hawaii
October 2008- annual girl exam, which turned into, you probably have PCOS and here, let's get you started on Clomid and metaformin(sp) and let's schud. a SA for poppa monkey and an HSG for you.... can we say OVERWHELMED!?!?!
December 2008 - Momma monkey's HSG - all good!!
Poppa Monkey's 1st SA -not so good-
January 2009-August 2009 - Poppa Monkey begins male fertility vitamins, has 2 more SA's, meets with a urologist, and momma monkey starts charting, temping, OPKn' and getting more and more discouraged that we're never going to have a child and more and more disappointed every month.
Late summer/early Fall 2009- Meet with fertility Dr. that some friends who were undergoing IVF and IUI's recommended. Told we have less then 1% chance of conceiving on our own and that IVF is the only way. We are given a sheet with numerous tests to get completed before IVF can begin.
November 2009- Poppa Monkey gets a DNA test(i'll have to look up the test name on our paperwork) to see if the morphology issue is due to having no or bad DNA in the lil' swimmers....Momma Monkey gets a ultrasound of her ovaries (very cool!!)
December 2009 - Both Poppa&Momma monkey's tests come back NORMAL!!! Hope is restored...
While our hope was restored - it still didn't give us answers as to WHY poppa monkey's morphology was bad - they have ruled out the major things, but still we don't have answers to WHY - So, no answers as to HOW to treat this....
It was around this time that i kept hearing about acupuncture and a few of my friends recommended that i should try it as either it worked for their aliments or they knew people who had later on gotten pregnant. I googled fertility acupuncture one day and came across a agency - it was meant to be..i loved everything about what they said...so we took a leap....we meet with the Dr. and Sunshine (i'll call her that cuz she's pretty much a ball of sunshine)-i pretty much cried the whole consultation but i loved everything about their program and i loved their chemistry together.
January 2010 - Start fertility acupuncture
I began the acupuncture first - because i'm the mommy and i'm going to be carrying the baby, they had to see where my Chi (energy) was blocked and if i would even respond to acupuncture....i got some charts, found where my chi is blocked and began the needle pricking. :)
Actually, i have to say, it doesn't hurt and i haven't passed out yet (i have been known to pass out/get super woozy and almost pass out when getting shots/seeing needles) It actually feels good -i always feel drained but super duper relaxed...i just feel 'balanced'
My sleep is getting better (i've been known to be quite the insomniac) and my period was actually much better this month - not a lot of cramping or blood clots.
After 3 sessions, they retested me and the acupuncture did balance some of my Chi and i am much more evenly balanced with my Yin/Yang - because i'm the more balanced one, they sat me and poppa monkey down and decided that since poppa monkey has a known issue with the morphology - they would see him 1x a week and me only 2x a month. He's also getting allergy acupuncture -which i'm super excited about cuz his allergies are HORRIBLE!!!
February 2010 - Poppa monkey begins fertility acupuncture(and he likes it)
And so the journey continues.....
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
more pictures....
This is dinner. Now, you may be looking at this and thinking...what.the.heck.is.that..... It's quite yummy - it's whole wheat noodles, a dab of spaghetti sauce, organic tomatoes, tuna and some peas with mayo...mix it all together and that's what you get....Delicious. It's times like these that i seriously wonder what i'll crave when i'm pregnant....i have a feeling it very well maybe pickles and peanut butter...:)
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Another Picture Wednesday....
The inside of the Baby Bin..
Some of my favorites...you'll notice a theme....ANIMALS!!! I can't help it, I'll be minding my own business and these cute, adorable animal shirts jump out at me and then i see the orange sticker and i just happen to also have a coupon....
These i didn't buy. The doggie on the left, my mom bought me after my childhood dog passed away...and the dog on the right, was the 1st valentines day i had with poppa monkey, i think a rose came with it too....awe.
And this one...this one poppa monkey just picked out over the weekend. We had a giftcard to a store with like 5 bucks on it...we couldn't find anything to buy and then poppa monkey said....let's buy a baby outfit....we looked and looked and then poppa monkey picked this....and it was no cost to us cuz it was on SUPER duper clearance....
Some of my favorites...you'll notice a theme....ANIMALS!!! I can't help it, I'll be minding my own business and these cute, adorable animal shirts jump out at me and then i see the orange sticker and i just happen to also have a coupon....
These i didn't buy. The doggie on the left, my mom bought me after my childhood dog passed away...and the dog on the right, was the 1st valentines day i had with poppa monkey, i think a rose came with it too....awe.
And this one...this one poppa monkey just picked out over the weekend. We had a giftcard to a store with like 5 bucks on it...we couldn't find anything to buy and then poppa monkey said....let's buy a baby outfit....we looked and looked and then poppa monkey picked this....and it was no cost to us cuz it was on SUPER duper clearance....
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