party for one...

This is a pity me post...if you don't want to hear it, don't read it.

I don't have pity parties for me when it comes to my pregnancy, because really, i truly know what a blessing we've been given....and i did pray many nights to the big man upstairs that i would do anything, i would take on all the pregnancy related issues and take them in stride....if that meant i was pregnant, then by all means, bring it.

Well, today i am not taking it very well in stride...i don't feel like saying BRING IT.... yes, i failed my 3hr glucose test as well and now i have gestational diabetes. No, i'm not surprised with this, as i started this pregnancy over weight and my dad's side of the family is pretty much all diabetic, how it missed him and his siblings, who knows. I have always felt i have had some sort of insulin resistance, i have been asked in the last year when i've had to give my numerous blood donations to the Dr's about my blood sugar levels....to which i would tell them again, that there is a huge family history of diabetes and if we need to recheck, to which they say no.

I do not want this....

It kills me the most that this is something that is effecting our baby. Her body has to work over time cuz my body isn't working hard enough. I am still waiting to hear from the Dr about what the next steps are - which i assume will be meeting with a nutritionist so we can maintain this through a low carb diet...... I also read up on it and honestly, i'm a little scared...this can bring on pre-e (which i didn't think i had to worry so much about since my BP meds are working wonders and my BP has been awesome) and a bigger baby, which in turn can cause quite the tear, or they can get stuck in the birth canal and they can have nerve damage or a dislocated shoulder or die or i can have a stillborn or the baby can be diabetic or hypoglycemic or can have birth defects or ...... It sounds like most are in severe cases....i'm hoping i'm low, very, very low.

Ugh, it's just one more freakn' thing.... i mean --seriously, i think we've been through enough...... I am so scared of so much.... i just want to know that TreeHugger is safe and growing fine and living the life in her little bubble... I feel like i'm failing as a mom already, i can't even do pregnancy right, how the hell am i going to do motherhood right? How am i going to keep her safe out there in the crazy scary world, when i can't keep her safe in my womb?

I know that everything will be fine, every bump in the road we've hit, we've come through, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating or me any less sad. And i will do whatever it takes to keep TreeHugger healthy....