I can't really do anything more but laugh at myself. So, this month i didn't pay any attention to anything cycle wise....but i knew i was expecting my period at the end of the month.... i started to experience dizziness and nauseousness for the last 1.5 weeks and i finally went to the dr cuz i wasn't sure what was going on....well, of course they always ask me when my last cycle was ....so i made sure i looked at the calendar b4 i left....well, it was apparently a week late. So i meet with the dr, never once did anyone ask me about my cycle and i just kinda forgot about it anyways and i got diagnosed with vertigo. So, then i'm telling some friends and 4 of them asked ... "well, could you be pregnant?" I thought about it for about 1 sec that morning i went to the dr...and put it out of my mind cuz well, after 2.5 years of trying you don't ever think you are. So, then i started to think about it, and i googled all about symptoms...cuz well, i didn't have any...so i googled if your boobs HAVE to hurt (i learned they don't have to), i read about dizziness and nauseousness being symptoms and obviously, the late period and the bloat. So i told myself i would wait til next Friday....cuz maybe i ovulated late...who knows....but then i ended up falling asleep at 6pm Friday night, slept until 830/9am....then Saturday i was tired and felt very worn out and went to bed at 10 and slept until noon!!!!! Um, what is going on here....so i broke down and took a hpt..... obviously it was a big fat negative.....
Who am i kidding??? I didn't cry,i didn't do anything.... i just went right back to bed....pissed that i allowed myself to actually think for a few hours that i might be pregnant......poppa monkey was so wanting this with me.....he was bummed this morning when i told him - we actually both said how nice it was to have some hope to believe that it might happen....which i think makes me sad..
Everything has been so negative that it would've been nice to get a positive... :)
I really wanted to believe in a miracle.....and that makes me sad too, cuz there are a lot of beautiful mommas getting ready to have their babies...each one their own little miracle...... i hope someday i get to experience my miracle.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
i'm still here.....
I know, it's been like a month.....sorry about that....
Not much to really discuss.....right now i'm kinda NOT thinking about pregnancy and all things related to babies. Just waiting for a lot of my friends to have their babies....i have a few due in July & Aug and then Oct and Nov...... which when you think about it, one would think would make me think about babies...but i think i'm just trying not to think about MY babies....know what i mean?
acupuncture is just about done for poppa monkey....he'll get a SA here soon so we will know if it worked.....i'll report back on that once we know.
I have finally accepted the idea of IVF...and twins. I know that it is totally out of my control and so, it is what it is and if this is the journey we are to take, then so be it. If it means i'll be able to experience pregnancy and everything that comes with it, then IVF it is. So, poppa monkey and i are going to save $5,000 and then begin IVF....i want to have a little more of a cushion in savings and be able to put that much towards IVF and then the rest will be either on the credit cards or a loan..... We also want to pay off the 3 credit cards we have....we just paid of the 1....and we have 2 more to go!!! IT feels so good to pay those things down...i've always been very good with paying my credit cards off in full every month, but poppa monkey's hours got cut big time and we had to put stuff like groceries and gas on the credit cards.....but his hours have been restored thus far and we're able to pay some things down....THANKFULLY!!!
So, i'm content for the moment that we'll save what we can, pay off the credit cards and then it's sitting down with our parents, discussing our options and what the best route to go is and then we'll begin...so now i'm thinking later this year...maybe Nov/Dec or early next year....
So, i've done a GREAT job this month NOT thinking about all things related pregnancy...as soon as i think about it, i make myself think of something else....i'm just tired of 'knowing' ...knowing when i ovulate, knowing when my period should come...knowing when we'll have intercourse.... so this month, we did it when we wanted to, if we missed a day here or there, i didn't feel like that could have been the one time to conceive...i didn't pay attention to my body to see if i was ovulating and i just didn't 'care' this month....when we talked about our future with kids, it wasn't sad talking about it.....it was like hopeful, the way it used to be..... it's been nice...so i'm going to go with it til we start IVF and i'm hoping that will make IVF a little less scary for me.....
I'm also focusing my energy on losing weight.....something i've battled with since JR. High....i will beat it this summer!!!! I WILL!!!
So, i might not update very often for a few months until we begin IVF....i'll write more when IVF starts and go through that journey.....
I think i might finally be at PEACE with everything about the IVF and our journey to parenthood.....
Not much to really discuss.....right now i'm kinda NOT thinking about pregnancy and all things related to babies. Just waiting for a lot of my friends to have their babies....i have a few due in July & Aug and then Oct and Nov...... which when you think about it, one would think would make me think about babies...but i think i'm just trying not to think about MY babies....know what i mean?
acupuncture is just about done for poppa monkey....he'll get a SA here soon so we will know if it worked.....i'll report back on that once we know.
I have finally accepted the idea of IVF...and twins. I know that it is totally out of my control and so, it is what it is and if this is the journey we are to take, then so be it. If it means i'll be able to experience pregnancy and everything that comes with it, then IVF it is. So, poppa monkey and i are going to save $5,000 and then begin IVF....i want to have a little more of a cushion in savings and be able to put that much towards IVF and then the rest will be either on the credit cards or a loan..... We also want to pay off the 3 credit cards we have....we just paid of the 1....and we have 2 more to go!!! IT feels so good to pay those things down...i've always been very good with paying my credit cards off in full every month, but poppa monkey's hours got cut big time and we had to put stuff like groceries and gas on the credit cards.....but his hours have been restored thus far and we're able to pay some things down....THANKFULLY!!!
So, i'm content for the moment that we'll save what we can, pay off the credit cards and then it's sitting down with our parents, discussing our options and what the best route to go is and then we'll begin...so now i'm thinking later this year...maybe Nov/Dec or early next year....
So, i've done a GREAT job this month NOT thinking about all things related pregnancy...as soon as i think about it, i make myself think of something else....i'm just tired of 'knowing' ...knowing when i ovulate, knowing when my period should come...knowing when we'll have intercourse.... so this month, we did it when we wanted to, if we missed a day here or there, i didn't feel like that could have been the one time to conceive...i didn't pay attention to my body to see if i was ovulating and i just didn't 'care' this month....when we talked about our future with kids, it wasn't sad talking about it.....it was like hopeful, the way it used to be..... it's been nice...so i'm going to go with it til we start IVF and i'm hoping that will make IVF a little less scary for me.....
I'm also focusing my energy on losing weight.....something i've battled with since JR. High....i will beat it this summer!!!! I WILL!!!
So, i might not update very often for a few months until we begin IVF....i'll write more when IVF starts and go through that journey.....
I think i might finally be at PEACE with everything about the IVF and our journey to parenthood.....
Sunday, May 23, 2010
been awhile
So, it's been awhile...sorry about that. Just the emotions that go along with the whole fertility struggle and honestly, been super busy. So, we met shortly after my test with the IVF dr....everything with me still looks great....so IVF it is.
Of course, insurance still doesn't cover IVF so i'm not sure how we're going to do this. If people thought i was stressed before....now i'm REALLY stressed out about this....how does a couple do this? How do you gather up $30,000 to spend on something that may or may not work. Unfort. due to the sperm morphology issue, we'll probably have to do more then one IVF, so we'd do a pkg program... This whole thing is crazy.
Sometimes i think this is God's way of showing us that we're just not meant to have kids. I just don't think trying to have kids should be this difficult....i just don't know what the right answer or decision is. There's a part of me that wants to cycle this year...do an egg transfer by September and if that doesn't work, another in November/December. I dunno...and then another part of me thinks i'm just being to impatient with it all, but then i think my goodness, i've been patiently waiting for 2.5 years to have a child!!!!! How much longer do i have to be patient for? And then i think maybe we should wait til i'm 35 and then i can qualify for a study and get free IVF cuz i'd be 'old' in the reproductive field.....yes, a women's odds of conceiving 35+ becomes much lower and harder.
I don't want to rush it, but at the same time i don't want to sit around twirling my thumbs on it either....i mean, i'm not getting any younger. i just always thought i'd be done having kids by the time i was 30 and now all my friends are having their kids and i would love my kids to grow up with them too.....
Today i'm just so over it.....if God wants me to surrender and throw up the white flag, i'm just about there.....i think no matter what there's always going to be a part of me that will ALWAYS just have hope -hope for miracles..... People beat the odds all the time....why can't we?
Of course, insurance still doesn't cover IVF so i'm not sure how we're going to do this. If people thought i was stressed before....now i'm REALLY stressed out about this....how does a couple do this? How do you gather up $30,000 to spend on something that may or may not work. Unfort. due to the sperm morphology issue, we'll probably have to do more then one IVF, so we'd do a pkg program... This whole thing is crazy.
Sometimes i think this is God's way of showing us that we're just not meant to have kids. I just don't think trying to have kids should be this difficult....i just don't know what the right answer or decision is. There's a part of me that wants to cycle this year...do an egg transfer by September and if that doesn't work, another in November/December. I dunno...and then another part of me thinks i'm just being to impatient with it all, but then i think my goodness, i've been patiently waiting for 2.5 years to have a child!!!!! How much longer do i have to be patient for? And then i think maybe we should wait til i'm 35 and then i can qualify for a study and get free IVF cuz i'd be 'old' in the reproductive field.....yes, a women's odds of conceiving 35+ becomes much lower and harder.
I don't want to rush it, but at the same time i don't want to sit around twirling my thumbs on it either....i mean, i'm not getting any younger. i just always thought i'd be done having kids by the time i was 30 and now all my friends are having their kids and i would love my kids to grow up with them too.....
Today i'm just so over it.....if God wants me to surrender and throw up the white flag, i'm just about there.....i think no matter what there's always going to be a part of me that will ALWAYS just have hope -hope for miracles..... People beat the odds all the time....why can't we?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
i survived!!
So i had my salinesaynograph (sp-i'll have to edit that) today. Basically, they take some saline and fill up your uterous. They're looking to make sure there are no tumors or polyps etc... and i have a beautiful healthy uterus. It was not bad at all!! In fact, i only had like 1sec of slight cramping which was like no big deal...seriously, i didn't even feel it ...it was neat to see it on the screen though and she gave me two pictures to keep of my healthy beautiful uterus....lol...hey, i might not be able to get pregnant, but darn it, i can have pics of my uterus too.... :)
So, we meet with the IVF dr. on Monday to discuss our options....
I have pretty much come to realize that IVF will most likely be the ONLY way i will become pregnant....it sucks, and it's a hard pill for me to swallow, but if that means we're going to have children and i get to experience being pregnant, then so be it. I can't control if or when i'm going to be pregnant --and it may not be the way i had planned for it to go, but at least we still have that as an option.
so stayed tuned....
So, we meet with the IVF dr. on Monday to discuss our options....
I have pretty much come to realize that IVF will most likely be the ONLY way i will become pregnant....it sucks, and it's a hard pill for me to swallow, but if that means we're going to have children and i get to experience being pregnant, then so be it. I can't control if or when i'm going to be pregnant --and it may not be the way i had planned for it to go, but at least we still have that as an option.
so stayed tuned....
Saturday, April 24, 2010
reading and a song....
So, we had our 'spirit baby' consultation.
I won't bore you all with everything, but the jiff of it is she felt even energy, but more boy then girl...she saw a little one with a mop of brown loose curls and green eyes (healing) ...our baby is a new spirit, so everything is new and he will be an alert, quiet baby.
Our baby needs us to clean the closets, says we have great energy in the house, but our closets are clogged....and we need some crystals to hang from the window in the baby's room, our bedroom and the kitchen....apparently, if anything it'll give us pretty rainbows in the rooms... Didn't give a definite answer on when it's coming...so we'll see.
As for us - acupuncture will end next month, i go for a saline sonograph Wednesday - this checks my uterine cavity and my ovaries for any abnormalities and also the lining of my uterus. JOY! I have been told that this is NOTHING compared to my HSG that i had done 1 1/2 yrs ago - that was horrible!!!!! Of course i've already google'd this topic and i won't be surprised if i'm balling my eyes out for the 1/2 hour that it's going to take or if i actually do pass out from the pain.....fertility issues suck big time. I don't get why it can't just be easy.....so many people who don't want kids, get pregnant so easily, then there's some of us who want nothing more then to be pregnant with a healthy baby and carry to full term, feel the baby kick, experience birthing and have our miracle in our arms.....and it's so freakn' hard. I suppose it wouldn't be horrible if we could afford it or had insurance that actually would cover it...but alas, we don't. *sigh*
how much longer do we continue to try? going to Dr's, doing this and that test....how much more can we really do?? Even if we continue trying to find out why we have this problem.....it would appear that IVF is the only way and right now that's not an option for us, unless we magically get a ton of money...which it's not like we're gonna win the lotto anytime soon. It's all just so frustrating.
And just when i think i'm finally done being reminded everyday that someone is pregnant....now i get to spend the next few weeks getting baby shower invites..double joy! and then when i'm done with that, all the babies will start being born.....seriously, at this point, i can't wait for 2010 to be over....
So, i find it interesting when celebs come out and talk about their fertility struggles, like Gulianna and Bill from the E network and them going through IVF and such.... and i've read about Celine Dion before as well - and she just went through her 4th failed IVF attempt a few months ago and i guess will be trying IVF #5 soon.
A friend of mine told me about this song she wrote that is about her struggle to get pregnant.....it's a very BEAUTIFUL song...here are the lyrics and i highly recommend listening to it on youtube - it's called A NEW DAY HAS COME
A new day has...come
I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear
Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you
Hush, love
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come
Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy
Hush, love
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come
A new day has...come
Ohhh, a light... OOh
I won't bore you all with everything, but the jiff of it is she felt even energy, but more boy then girl...she saw a little one with a mop of brown loose curls and green eyes (healing) ...our baby is a new spirit, so everything is new and he will be an alert, quiet baby.
Our baby needs us to clean the closets, says we have great energy in the house, but our closets are clogged....and we need some crystals to hang from the window in the baby's room, our bedroom and the kitchen....apparently, if anything it'll give us pretty rainbows in the rooms... Didn't give a definite answer on when it's coming...so we'll see.
As for us - acupuncture will end next month, i go for a saline sonograph Wednesday - this checks my uterine cavity and my ovaries for any abnormalities and also the lining of my uterus. JOY! I have been told that this is NOTHING compared to my HSG that i had done 1 1/2 yrs ago - that was horrible!!!!! Of course i've already google'd this topic and i won't be surprised if i'm balling my eyes out for the 1/2 hour that it's going to take or if i actually do pass out from the pain.....fertility issues suck big time. I don't get why it can't just be easy.....so many people who don't want kids, get pregnant so easily, then there's some of us who want nothing more then to be pregnant with a healthy baby and carry to full term, feel the baby kick, experience birthing and have our miracle in our arms.....and it's so freakn' hard. I suppose it wouldn't be horrible if we could afford it or had insurance that actually would cover it...but alas, we don't. *sigh*
how much longer do we continue to try? going to Dr's, doing this and that test....how much more can we really do?? Even if we continue trying to find out why we have this problem.....it would appear that IVF is the only way and right now that's not an option for us, unless we magically get a ton of money...which it's not like we're gonna win the lotto anytime soon. It's all just so frustrating.
And just when i think i'm finally done being reminded everyday that someone is pregnant....now i get to spend the next few weeks getting baby shower invites..double joy! and then when i'm done with that, all the babies will start being born.....seriously, at this point, i can't wait for 2010 to be over....
So, i find it interesting when celebs come out and talk about their fertility struggles, like Gulianna and Bill from the E network and them going through IVF and such.... and i've read about Celine Dion before as well - and she just went through her 4th failed IVF attempt a few months ago and i guess will be trying IVF #5 soon.
A friend of mine told me about this song she wrote that is about her struggle to get pregnant.....it's a very BEAUTIFUL song...here are the lyrics and i highly recommend listening to it on youtube - it's called A NEW DAY HAS COME
A new day has...come
I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear
Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you
Hush, love
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come
Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy
Hush, love
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
I've been touched by an angel with love
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
A new day has...come
A new day has...come
Ohhh, a light... OOh
Sunday, April 11, 2010
it's been awhile.....
Soooo....it's been awhile...
I've been in a really strange place for the month of March.....angry, frustrated...i think i cried everyday.... Fertility issues cause a lot of other issues......issues that trickle down into a marriage, relationships with others and yourself.
I don't know what it was about March....but i haven't felt the way i did since December 2008/early 2009 when we were first told that 'we'd never have kids.'
In March - i don't know if it was that i just want a healthy baby so badly and i want to feel a baby growing inside my body or if it was that it seemed like every 2 days someone else was announcing that they were pregnant and it was a constant reminder of what my body can not do or what - but March kicked my butt big time.
Poppa monkey and I didn't get a long much this past month.....mainly cuz of the place i was at...i just apologized over and over to him, i told him i don't know what was up with me....that i'm so angry.... it was like on one hand i just want to throw in the towel..i give up...we're not going to be parents..i get it..... and on the other hand...i will do whatever it takes, i will keep fighting until i can't fight anymore.
*sigh*
Our Spirit Baby consultation (where our future child hopefully will communicate with us) will be Thursday....i'm sooo looking forward to it.....
i know our baby is coming soon..i feel it.
A few weeks ago i dreamt of our baby...i know it was our baby because it had my birthmark....i've never dreamt of my baby before....i've dreamt of friends babies, and other babies b4, none like this where i knew 100% that the baby in my dream was mine.
Poppa monkey has also been dreaming of babies....he's dreamt of having a daughter, a few times... (i've had 3 psychics tell me that i'm going to have girls)
At my last acupuncture, i was feeling better and all the way home all that was on the radio was baby stuff...it was crazy!! That song by Brad Paisley - one of the lines is - 'i can see you with a baby on the way' - yeah, that was the verse of that song that just happened to be playing when i turned on the radio and then i flipped to another channel and it was a commercial about pregnancy tests and then i flipped to another station about some couple going to some fertility clinic and then i flipped to another station and it was another song about having a baby girl ....it was insane....but i know the universe is speaking to me, our 'spirit baby' is speaking to us.....
I had dinner with an old friend from childhood, our paths would cross now and again and we recently have reconnected since we're both going through similar things, male factor fertility issues. It's crazy, cuz she makes me feel like i'm normal, she's had similar thoughts, feelings, emotions....and it's like we've flipped places...shes was always in that very emotional, crying all the time stage and i was strong and going with the flow..and now i'm so emotional about it and she's the strong one. I worry though what's going to happen when one of gets pregnant before the other. I've learned in other friendships where there is fertility issues, that they 'forget' us, those who continue to suffer in silence.....which i don't blame them or anything and i guess i understand, but just because you're expecting doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore and espeically since they were also going through fertilty issues....they should know that more then anything. I know with this friend, if i got pregnant first, her lack of enthusiasm and tears would be nothing personal, but i would understand the place she's at. And i know if she got pregnant first, i would be happy for her, but i can't say that i wouldn't cry all the way home...not jealous tears, not pity tears....tears to God....tears for all the women out there who struggle everyday to get pregnant, tears for those who have lost their babies and tears to cleanse the soul....
I've been in a really strange place for the month of March.....angry, frustrated...i think i cried everyday.... Fertility issues cause a lot of other issues......issues that trickle down into a marriage, relationships with others and yourself.
I don't know what it was about March....but i haven't felt the way i did since December 2008/early 2009 when we were first told that 'we'd never have kids.'
In March - i don't know if it was that i just want a healthy baby so badly and i want to feel a baby growing inside my body or if it was that it seemed like every 2 days someone else was announcing that they were pregnant and it was a constant reminder of what my body can not do or what - but March kicked my butt big time.
Poppa monkey and I didn't get a long much this past month.....mainly cuz of the place i was at...i just apologized over and over to him, i told him i don't know what was up with me....that i'm so angry.... it was like on one hand i just want to throw in the towel..i give up...we're not going to be parents..i get it..... and on the other hand...i will do whatever it takes, i will keep fighting until i can't fight anymore.
*sigh*
Our Spirit Baby consultation (where our future child hopefully will communicate with us) will be Thursday....i'm sooo looking forward to it.....
i know our baby is coming soon..i feel it.
A few weeks ago i dreamt of our baby...i know it was our baby because it had my birthmark....i've never dreamt of my baby before....i've dreamt of friends babies, and other babies b4, none like this where i knew 100% that the baby in my dream was mine.
Poppa monkey has also been dreaming of babies....he's dreamt of having a daughter, a few times... (i've had 3 psychics tell me that i'm going to have girls)
At my last acupuncture, i was feeling better and all the way home all that was on the radio was baby stuff...it was crazy!! That song by Brad Paisley - one of the lines is - 'i can see you with a baby on the way' - yeah, that was the verse of that song that just happened to be playing when i turned on the radio and then i flipped to another channel and it was a commercial about pregnancy tests and then i flipped to another station about some couple going to some fertility clinic and then i flipped to another station and it was another song about having a baby girl ....it was insane....but i know the universe is speaking to me, our 'spirit baby' is speaking to us.....
I had dinner with an old friend from childhood, our paths would cross now and again and we recently have reconnected since we're both going through similar things, male factor fertility issues. It's crazy, cuz she makes me feel like i'm normal, she's had similar thoughts, feelings, emotions....and it's like we've flipped places...shes was always in that very emotional, crying all the time stage and i was strong and going with the flow..and now i'm so emotional about it and she's the strong one. I worry though what's going to happen when one of gets pregnant before the other. I've learned in other friendships where there is fertility issues, that they 'forget' us, those who continue to suffer in silence.....which i don't blame them or anything and i guess i understand, but just because you're expecting doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore and espeically since they were also going through fertilty issues....they should know that more then anything. I know with this friend, if i got pregnant first, her lack of enthusiasm and tears would be nothing personal, but i would understand the place she's at. And i know if she got pregnant first, i would be happy for her, but i can't say that i wouldn't cry all the way home...not jealous tears, not pity tears....tears to God....tears for all the women out there who struggle everyday to get pregnant, tears for those who have lost their babies and tears to cleanse the soul....
Thursday, March 25, 2010
thoughts...
and they're angry thoughts. I don't know why i'm so angry..well, actually i guess i kinda do.....i dunno....i don't know if it's 2.5 years worth of hoping every month....if it's frustration....i mean, are we trying to have a child every month, knowing that the odds are stacked so much against us and yet, every month we try...why? Why are we trying so hard to have a baby? It just shouldn't be this hard.
Another person i know is expecting....which is fabulous, but seriously....i know 14 people right now expecting a baby....1 just had her baby about a week ago....i can't take it anymore.....i feel like i have cried so much this month...i feel like i continue to get my heart stabbed OVER AND OVER and OVER again!!!!! Rub it in my face a little more universe....i mean, really, lets keep on shoving it in my face...every week why don't u just remind me of what i can't do....get pregnant, have a child....LAME...yup, that's what i think about it.
This sucks.
Another person i know is expecting....which is fabulous, but seriously....i know 14 people right now expecting a baby....1 just had her baby about a week ago....i can't take it anymore.....i feel like i have cried so much this month...i feel like i continue to get my heart stabbed OVER AND OVER and OVER again!!!!! Rub it in my face a little more universe....i mean, really, lets keep on shoving it in my face...every week why don't u just remind me of what i can't do....get pregnant, have a child....LAME...yup, that's what i think about it.
This sucks.
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