it's been awhile.....

Soooo....it's been awhile...
I've been in a really strange place for the month of March.....angry, frustrated...i think i cried everyday.... Fertility issues cause a lot of other issues......issues that trickle down into a marriage, relationships with others and yourself.

I don't know what it was about March....but i haven't felt the way i did since December 2008/early 2009 when we were first told that 'we'd never have kids.'
In March - i don't know if it was that i just want a healthy baby so badly and i want to feel a baby growing inside my body or if it was that it seemed like every 2 days someone else was announcing that they were pregnant and it was a constant reminder of what my body can not do or what - but March kicked my butt big time.

Poppa monkey and I didn't get a long much this past month.....mainly cuz of the place i was at...i just apologized over and over to him, i told him i don't know what was up with me....that i'm so angry.... it was like on one hand i just want to throw in the towel..i give up...we're not going to be parents..i get it..... and on the other hand...i will do whatever it takes, i will keep fighting until i can't fight anymore.

*sigh*

Our Spirit Baby consultation (where our future child hopefully will communicate with us) will be Thursday....i'm sooo looking forward to it.....

i know our baby is coming soon..i feel it.
A few weeks ago i dreamt of our baby...i know it was our baby because it had my birthmark....i've never dreamt of my baby before....i've dreamt of friends babies, and other babies b4, none like this where i knew 100% that the baby in my dream was mine.
Poppa monkey has also been dreaming of babies....he's dreamt of having a daughter, a few times... (i've had 3 psychics tell me that i'm going to have girls)
At my last acupuncture, i was feeling better and all the way home all that was on the radio was baby stuff...it was crazy!! That song by Brad Paisley - one of the lines is - 'i can see you with a baby on the way' - yeah, that was the verse of that song that just happened to be playing when i turned on the radio and then i flipped to another channel and it was a commercial about pregnancy tests and then i flipped to another station about some couple going to some fertility clinic and then i flipped to another station and it was another song about having a baby girl ....it was insane....but i know the universe is speaking to me, our 'spirit baby' is speaking to us.....

I had dinner with an old friend from childhood, our paths would cross now and again and we recently have reconnected since we're both going through similar things, male factor fertility issues. It's crazy, cuz she makes me feel like i'm normal, she's had similar thoughts, feelings, emotions....and it's like we've flipped places...shes was always in that very emotional, crying all the time stage and i was strong and going with the flow..and now i'm so emotional about it and she's the strong one. I worry though what's going to happen when one of gets pregnant before the other. I've learned in other friendships where there is fertility issues, that they 'forget' us, those who continue to suffer in silence.....which i don't blame them or anything and i guess i understand, but just because you're expecting doesn't mean we can't be friends anymore and espeically since they were also going through fertilty issues....they should know that more then anything. I know with this friend, if i got pregnant first, her lack of enthusiasm and tears would be nothing personal, but i would understand the place she's at. And i know if she got pregnant first, i would be happy for her, but i can't say that i wouldn't cry all the way home...not jealous tears, not pity tears....tears to God....tears for all the women out there who struggle everyday to get pregnant, tears for those who have lost their babies and tears to cleanse the soul....