I am so nervous about tomorrow. I've still been feeling great.... but i am soooo nervous about tomorrow. Like i am on the verge of tears....i just don't want to have to deal with the disappointment....i don't want to go through the holidays not pregnant...again. I don't want to have to put on a smiley face when my sister talks about her pregnancy, i don't want to have to grin and bear it when my co-worker talks about how fantastic and in love with her little baby she is...i don't want to have to be strong.....
i know, pretty pessimistic thoughts...i flip flop all the time.... i want this so badly. and i know if it doesn't work, that i can cry and be sad and when my period comes, i will be sad again and cry some more, but i also feel like i'll be just going through the motions...i feel like i've been guarded this round....i mean, i talk to my babies and say a prayer every night for them...but it's not the same as it was last time...and its a good different....but it's different.
Last time my dreams where about positive HPTs(tests) this time, i've dreamt of babies...my babies. Some dreams there were twins, some there was just only one....
I hope i get to celebrate the holidays knowing i have a life or two growing inside me, i want to wear maternity clothes at Christmas, i want to see my belly big for a reason and not just cuz it's full of fat, but because there is a life or two growing in there. I just want this struggle to be over....i will never forget this journey to parenthood and i feel that my relationship with my hubby is stronger because of it....but i don't know how much harder we can try and not have the ultimate goal not be reached without it breaking us down....
Our ultimate goal is to have a family of our own....how or when we get there is anyones guess...but i hope it's soon. :)
Prayers for strength and courage .....
Monday, November 22, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
gobble, gobble
i'm very much looking forward to eating
Still not feeling any different....talked to someone who mentioned that i have to keep my 'eye on the prize'.....the end result, which is to have a family.....i don't know when it's going to happen or how...but the end goal is that we want a family. Tuesday is almost here.......i'll go in before work, get my blood drawn and then sometime that afternoon i'll get a call that i'll let go to my voicemail and then when i get home, hubby and i will listen to the message.
Here's hoping that i have a little turkey and pumpkin pie cooking up in my oven... ;)
Still not feeling any different....talked to someone who mentioned that i have to keep my 'eye on the prize'.....the end result, which is to have a family.....i don't know when it's going to happen or how...but the end goal is that we want a family. Tuesday is almost here.......i'll go in before work, get my blood drawn and then sometime that afternoon i'll get a call that i'll let go to my voicemail and then when i get home, hubby and i will listen to the message.
Here's hoping that i have a little turkey and pumpkin pie cooking up in my oven... ;)
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
argh
I'm not feeling very optimistic about this round.....i dunno, it's just i don't want it to not work. I just don't feel any different..i just feel totally normal. I remember last time, i felt bloated and nauseous, i woke up at the wee hours of the morning to potty, i just felt icky....this time, although i wake up anywhere between 1-3am, i just lay there and eventually fall back to sleep. This morning(at like 2am) i woke up with cramps, i just wanted to cry...... I dunno if it's normal, i don't know if it means it didn't work, i don't know if it was just gas and that i'm constipated...i dunno....i just don't have much hope for this round....
I feel like everything lined up perfectly this time, even more so perfectly then last time.... i have this clematis(don't know if that's the right spelling, but mine make purple flowers) that didn't bloom all summer, and then when i cam back from my IVF transfer, i saw two beautiful flowers that had bloomed....i took it to mean good things, but they withered away shortly after. Then, when we began this FET cycle, guess what, 2 new beautiful flowers bloomed like towards the end of October...and are still hanging on...... I never gave up hope on that flower (i thought it was a goner in the spring) and yet it still flourished and bloomed....so why am i so easy to give up on my embryos?
I just feel different this time, i feel like it's a good different, but it's just different.... i was reading on a friends page and this is what was posted...i feel like i needed to read that today......
"faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty. Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!"
I feel like everything lined up perfectly this time, even more so perfectly then last time.... i have this clematis(don't know if that's the right spelling, but mine make purple flowers) that didn't bloom all summer, and then when i cam back from my IVF transfer, i saw two beautiful flowers that had bloomed....i took it to mean good things, but they withered away shortly after. Then, when we began this FET cycle, guess what, 2 new beautiful flowers bloomed like towards the end of October...and are still hanging on...... I never gave up hope on that flower (i thought it was a goner in the spring) and yet it still flourished and bloomed....so why am i so easy to give up on my embryos?
I just feel different this time, i feel like it's a good different, but it's just different.... i was reading on a friends page and this is what was posted...i feel like i needed to read that today......
"faith is exactly what it takes to get through uncertainty. Faith is not necessary when you know how things are going to work out, - that's knowledge. It's in the time of unknowing that having faith is what sees you through to the other side. Faith is what gives you strength. Faith is that light in your heart that keeps on shining even when it's all darkness outside. Now is the time to keep that faith alive!"
Saturday, November 13, 2010
bed rest is overah!
Well, my 3 days of bed rest are OVER!! It wasn't toooo bad, it's just DH and i are on total opposite schedules, so when i'm awake, he's trying to sleep.....what does that mean for me..it meant i sat on the Internet trying to keep entertained, while i could not watch tv (it's to loud) and i couldn't have lights on (it's to bright)....or i slept. DH did really well, catering to my every need....well, almost. lol There were some days around lunch time that i was STARVING and staring down DH as he slept trying to subconsciously wake him up so i could eat. Yesterday i was sooo hungry i was getting light headed......LOL. Poor DH. Soooo...now i can get my own meals and such....
i still am going to take it easy today and tomorrow, from what i've read, these are the days they're implanting....so i hope that is what they are doing. i was a little crampy yesterday, so that's why i decided to stay in bed the whole day yesterday....i looked it up and from what i've read, slight cramping is normal....
It still doesn't feel real, i mean i pray every night for our babies, but i feel like i could run a marathon, last time, not so much, i was still sore and bloated. I'm trying not to think tooo much about it, which i know is me trying to guard my heart....i just don't want to not have this work again.... last time i didn't have to remember to take it easy, this time, it's like i have to remind myself that i can't go work out today, cuz per Dr's orders, that's a no-no. Beta day (the blood test to determine if i'm pregnant) can't come soon enough.....
i still am going to take it easy today and tomorrow, from what i've read, these are the days they're implanting....so i hope that is what they are doing. i was a little crampy yesterday, so that's why i decided to stay in bed the whole day yesterday....i looked it up and from what i've read, slight cramping is normal....
It still doesn't feel real, i mean i pray every night for our babies, but i feel like i could run a marathon, last time, not so much, i was still sore and bloated. I'm trying not to think tooo much about it, which i know is me trying to guard my heart....i just don't want to not have this work again.... last time i didn't have to remember to take it easy, this time, it's like i have to remind myself that i can't go work out today, cuz per Dr's orders, that's a no-no. Beta day (the blood test to determine if i'm pregnant) can't come soon enough.....
Thursday, November 11, 2010
boring...
bed rest is BORING!! Now that i have that off my chest...
So, my sister's announcement day went way better then i thought it would....i didn't cry, i celebrated and all was well...it was much more low key then i had imagined in my mind....
Had my FET yesterday (11/10/10) and it went well. I wore my 'lucky socks'....those would be my 4 leaf clover socks :) and my lucky undies (peace signs all over them) and my Clover shirt (so the whole family was represented) LOL. Hopefully it works!!
I've been on 'bed rest' since yesterday....paperwork says 'couch potato' for 48 hours.....but, since i did 'couch rest' last time...kinda....this time, i'm in bed until at least friday afternoon.....only getting up to go potty and take meds... Hubby has been great getting me things and catering to his PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) wife.....he's also quite the best rest police....along with the dog, who has been sitting at attention next to the bed....poor dog....she's falling asleep and her head starts to drop...it's like dog, lay down...i promise i won't get up. LOL Hubby totally deserves lots after these three days....he's been awesome and i know he's probably feeling a little overwhelmed having to be up and down and grab meds (which happen to be all the wrong ones) and have to go back downstairs and take the dog out and clean and laundry....i told i can help but he says NO! Stay in bed.....
This time, it doesn't seem real....The first time, maybe it was because it was so much more evasive, i had 3 shots a night, suppos. and patches and blood work and ultrasounds every other day for 2 weeks towards the end.....then it's the retrieval when they knock you out and poke ya and you're sore and bloated and uncomfortable and then they do the transfer and at that time you do all this work and just want your babies back in you...ya know. Well, with the FET, it's just soooooo much easier and less stressful and evasive.... I don't know if it's that i'm like 'detached' from the process since i've been there, done that, so it's like i know what to expect or if i'm just more at peace about everything? I feel like things were right this time around .....i dunno.....like i have to remind myself that i'm PUPO....that i'm hopefully growing up some kiddos. I can't believe we did it again....i mean, i talk to the babies and pray that they are snuggling in good for the next 9 months and hubby asks how the babies are doing..... i'm super excitied, but i'm trying to stay grounded too....ya know. Oh, and this time i have NO desire to even want to test early...last time i felt like i struggled with it...this time it hasn't even crossed my mind....
So, sticky vibes please....and good thoughts that the babies are growing strong....Thanks!
So, my sister's announcement day went way better then i thought it would....i didn't cry, i celebrated and all was well...it was much more low key then i had imagined in my mind....
Had my FET yesterday (11/10/10) and it went well. I wore my 'lucky socks'....those would be my 4 leaf clover socks :) and my lucky undies (peace signs all over them) and my Clover shirt (so the whole family was represented) LOL. Hopefully it works!!
I've been on 'bed rest' since yesterday....paperwork says 'couch potato' for 48 hours.....but, since i did 'couch rest' last time...kinda....this time, i'm in bed until at least friday afternoon.....only getting up to go potty and take meds... Hubby has been great getting me things and catering to his PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) wife.....he's also quite the best rest police....along with the dog, who has been sitting at attention next to the bed....poor dog....she's falling asleep and her head starts to drop...it's like dog, lay down...i promise i won't get up. LOL Hubby totally deserves lots after these three days....he's been awesome and i know he's probably feeling a little overwhelmed having to be up and down and grab meds (which happen to be all the wrong ones) and have to go back downstairs and take the dog out and clean and laundry....i told i can help but he says NO! Stay in bed.....
This time, it doesn't seem real....The first time, maybe it was because it was so much more evasive, i had 3 shots a night, suppos. and patches and blood work and ultrasounds every other day for 2 weeks towards the end.....then it's the retrieval when they knock you out and poke ya and you're sore and bloated and uncomfortable and then they do the transfer and at that time you do all this work and just want your babies back in you...ya know. Well, with the FET, it's just soooooo much easier and less stressful and evasive.... I don't know if it's that i'm like 'detached' from the process since i've been there, done that, so it's like i know what to expect or if i'm just more at peace about everything? I feel like things were right this time around .....i dunno.....like i have to remind myself that i'm PUPO....that i'm hopefully growing up some kiddos. I can't believe we did it again....i mean, i talk to the babies and pray that they are snuggling in good for the next 9 months and hubby asks how the babies are doing..... i'm super excitied, but i'm trying to stay grounded too....ya know. Oh, and this time i have NO desire to even want to test early...last time i felt like i struggled with it...this time it hasn't even crossed my mind....
So, sticky vibes please....and good thoughts that the babies are growing strong....Thanks!
Monday, November 8, 2010
woot!
That cool little woot, er BIG woot is for surviving my 2nd PIO shot!! Hubby did great and although i freaked him out more then the needle....all is good. I had to have music, i had to be talking....and hubby just needed silence...LOL. i was shhh'd two times....lol. Ah, we make such a great pair. It hurts a little more then my first shot, but i'll keep the heating pad on it a little longer and it's on the left side, so it's a little harder to massage with my left hand...... i'm sooo soooo glad this shot is over with..now i can fully relax. :)
now we just need our little embabies to thaw awesomely and then they gotta dig in and stick and grow in my uterus!!!
now we just need our little embabies to thaw awesomely and then they gotta dig in and stick and grow in my uterus!!!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
the final days....
before i'm PUPO!!! (pregnant until proven otherwise)
So, you'll all be glad to know my estrogen levels are great!!! My lining as of Wednesday was 9.94. When i did IVF#1 - my lining was at a 10.1. What does that mean....it means the thicker the lining the better and if i had 9.94 Wednesday, i'm hoping my lining will be thicker then 10.1(and it should) by transfer day. Anything over 8 is great...but from what i've been reading/been told, 11 or 12 are even greater numbers. I've had an increase of CM, which is blue...thank you estrace, which i heard is a great sign that my lining is thickening up...i don't remember all this with the 1st round...
Did the dreaded PIO shot and i'm still here to talk about it. Seriously, it was not bad at all!! So, i went away for the weekend and a friend had to do my shot, she's a nurse, so it was a breeze for her and i think that's why it was painless, cuz she's a pro. it hurt for the second the needle goes into the skin, but i had to have her draw it up and such, cuz the large needle was making me sweat a little bit...lol. After the shot, i massaged the area and put a heating pad on it and no pain, even 2 days later and no soreness or anything.....which i heard is what sucks the most...but it's all good so far. I'll let you know if i survive Monday's shot with the hubby...lol.I'm a little nervous about hubby doing the shot, cuz i know he's going to be nervous and i'm going to be nervous and i grantee there will probably be some snarkyness thrown around by both of us, which won't help. But, i just hope we can do this, which i know we will, i just have a feeling it's going to be just a bit more painful.
Today is a big day for me.... when we did round 1, my sister announced her pregnancy...so you can imagine having two sisters, one who is officially knocked up and one who is PUPO....we would have been about 2 1/2-3wks apart..lol. It was a little weird when the IVF didn't work and we had to have some conversations. We were excited about the idea of having babies so close, we discussed a shared baby shower and a shared announcement...which would have been today. This was the one thing we really had kinda 'planned'....the one thing that had a date...the one thing that i'm going to with an empty womb and my sister is going to get to make her announcement. My heart breaks a little today, i would've been in my 10th week.... i think once i'm passed today, things will be a little easier, it's like this day has been hanging over my heart for the past month and once i get pass this, i'm good...ya know what i mean? I'm nervous though, i'm nervous i might cry or be sad....so i have a plan..cuz this is my sister's day and this day is a happy day... i haven't been able to talk to her about how she's going to do it, etc...so i gotta kinda just hang out around 'exits'...so if i get emotional, i can take a 'bathroom' break or a little walk around the neighborhood, i don't think anyone will notice with all the excitement.... So a lot of mixed emotions and i'm trying my best to be nice to myself about it and take it easy on myself and really understand that it's okay to feel this way...we experienced a loss--a loss of hope, a dream, a future, a possibility of being parents. It does make it a little easier that Wednesday(transfer day) is right around the corner...but my meds have changed and the progesterone i think is making me super emotional and tired....which for me isn't a good mix, especially when i'm nervous and anxious about something, it's almost positive that i'll cry.
So, you'll all be glad to know my estrogen levels are great!!! My lining as of Wednesday was 9.94. When i did IVF#1 - my lining was at a 10.1. What does that mean....it means the thicker the lining the better and if i had 9.94 Wednesday, i'm hoping my lining will be thicker then 10.1(and it should) by transfer day. Anything over 8 is great...but from what i've been reading/been told, 11 or 12 are even greater numbers. I've had an increase of CM, which is blue...thank you estrace, which i heard is a great sign that my lining is thickening up...i don't remember all this with the 1st round...
Did the dreaded PIO shot and i'm still here to talk about it. Seriously, it was not bad at all!! So, i went away for the weekend and a friend had to do my shot, she's a nurse, so it was a breeze for her and i think that's why it was painless, cuz she's a pro. it hurt for the second the needle goes into the skin, but i had to have her draw it up and such, cuz the large needle was making me sweat a little bit...lol. After the shot, i massaged the area and put a heating pad on it and no pain, even 2 days later and no soreness or anything.....which i heard is what sucks the most...but it's all good so far. I'll let you know if i survive Monday's shot with the hubby...lol.I'm a little nervous about hubby doing the shot, cuz i know he's going to be nervous and i'm going to be nervous and i grantee there will probably be some snarkyness thrown around by both of us, which won't help. But, i just hope we can do this, which i know we will, i just have a feeling it's going to be just a bit more painful.
Today is a big day for me.... when we did round 1, my sister announced her pregnancy...so you can imagine having two sisters, one who is officially knocked up and one who is PUPO....we would have been about 2 1/2-3wks apart..lol. It was a little weird when the IVF didn't work and we had to have some conversations. We were excited about the idea of having babies so close, we discussed a shared baby shower and a shared announcement...which would have been today. This was the one thing we really had kinda 'planned'....the one thing that had a date...the one thing that i'm going to with an empty womb and my sister is going to get to make her announcement. My heart breaks a little today, i would've been in my 10th week.... i think once i'm passed today, things will be a little easier, it's like this day has been hanging over my heart for the past month and once i get pass this, i'm good...ya know what i mean? I'm nervous though, i'm nervous i might cry or be sad....so i have a plan..cuz this is my sister's day and this day is a happy day... i haven't been able to talk to her about how she's going to do it, etc...so i gotta kinda just hang out around 'exits'...so if i get emotional, i can take a 'bathroom' break or a little walk around the neighborhood, i don't think anyone will notice with all the excitement.... So a lot of mixed emotions and i'm trying my best to be nice to myself about it and take it easy on myself and really understand that it's okay to feel this way...we experienced a loss--a loss of hope, a dream, a future, a possibility of being parents. It does make it a little easier that Wednesday(transfer day) is right around the corner...but my meds have changed and the progesterone i think is making me super emotional and tired....which for me isn't a good mix, especially when i'm nervous and anxious about something, it's almost positive that i'll cry.
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