cry baby!!!

Yup, i'm a cry baby..... so, i'm waiting around for 8pm to show so i can begin my shot. So, i watch the handy dandy shot video so i know i'm doing it right, hubby reminds me how to hold the needle and such....so i get all ready. I'm standing in the kitchen, i get the shot ready and i pintch my stomach and i'm ready to do it and i start bawling....like shoulder shaking crying....and i'm like 'i don't want to do this..' and poppa monkey says, 'i know, but you have to, think about what we're trying for, a baby.' and i'm like 'i know, but i don't want to give myself shots.' and poppa monkey's all like 'it's easy, just stick in there....1...2...3...go!!" and i'm crying, 'i can't do this, i can't do it..you have to' and his eyes pop wide open and he's like 'dude, you have to do it, what if i'm not here.' and i'm like 'ok, i CAN do this, let's do it, i can do it'.....and i go and the needle wouldn't go in.. i'm like, 'it won't go in, turn on some music'....so, poppa monkey gets all flustered that i'm not doing it right and goes to grab the needle and i'm like 'i'll do it, just stop talking, stop telling me it's easy...you're not the one about to stick urself with hormones that you don't know how ur body is going to react to.' so, he leaves....and i do it. It didn't even hurt.....i was like, dude, it didn't hurt, i did it....i was so nervous about how much it would hurt....that i felt so stupid that i was so upset about it......and it didn't even hurt.

So, for day 1- no changes, a little bloated, but i think that's from the BCP.....still feeling 'normal'

scared.....

yup, that's me....scared. I start my Lupron shots tomorrow night 8pm......and i'm scared. I'm not soooo scared about the needles anymore...but i am scared that i'm screwing with my body.
I may not have always gotten a period every month or had perfect length cycles, but i know i ovulate and so far medically speaking....i'm totally fine. But, i've never been pregnant....so, i don't know if i can.

I"m scared about that, about what if there's something wrong with me that they haven't found yet...... i'm scared that i'm going to royally screw up my body.... i'm scared how the hormones will effect me.... i'm scared either i'll over stimulate or i won't stim enough.....

I know that in the end, everything will be worth it....i know this, but i still feel like i have the right to be afraid...... and twins....

I'm scared about really, seriously, having twins....and i think it's more about the pregnancy then actually the twins themselves..... i'm afraid of pre-term labor, i'm afraid of having to go on bedrest and not being able to work,i'm afraid of complications with twin pregnancies/births....i'm afraid....but again, i know that we would be double blessed..... and if we did wind up with twins and i got to choose the gender...i'd totally be okay with a boy/girl twins......

I'm just afraid..... i don't know how i'm going to be able to give myself a shot tomorrow....thinking about it makes my stomach tighten up and i get all nervous....
So i think i'm gonna try a 'reward' system.....taking ideas now....

lalalalalalallala

I'm just lalaing around in BCP land.....actually, i've gotten some mild headaches and today i was kinda feeling icky...i'll assume it's from those tiny lil' pills...dang them! I can't wait to stop taking them... 2 more weeks.

So, i got my first package of shots.....Lupron. I start that on Tuesday......i'm really nervous about the shots....i mean, i know they're just the tiny little insulin type needles, but me and needles just don't get along. I've decided i'm taking my meds at 8pm......i'm suppose to take it between 6-10pm, so i figured smack dab in the middle would be great, plus it will give me time to be sure i'm home from work i can do low impact exercising and be all ready for bed.... Not sure how i'm going to do the shots yet...if i'll watch tv and just poke myself or if i'll play some music so i can sing along and poke.... i know, i'm probably way over thinking this, but if i think about it and have a 'plan', then i feel 'more in control'...even though i'm really not.....looking through the meds and handling the sealed needles and the needle container kinda made my forearms hurt...... i know weird, but that's what happens....that's how it begins.... my forearms hurt where they usually put needles and i gotta bend them and move them and then i start to feel kinda weird......not really light headiness, but like i'm starting to go underwater.....and then my breathing changes and then my legs tingle and usually by then, i'm getting dizzy, i'm clammy, my ears start ringing and i'm about ready to pass out.....

I'm hoping after i do one, that the rest will be a breeze........

So, Lupron...basically this prevents the LH surge, which prevents the releasing of FSH and LH which release eggs..... side effects:hot flashes, nausea, vomiting, fluid retention, muscle aches and headaches...... AWESOME...i'm going to be a sweaty, swollen, sore, nauseous person.....in the 100 degree HUMID weather we are having.....Awe.Some!!!!

just call me Mrs. clean...

So, i think i'm nesting....... LOL!! I mean, pregnant ladies nest b4 baby comes....i think i'm nesting b4 i go under and get pregnant.....
Like i've mentioned before, it's amazing what will get finished when you realize that it probably won't get done when you're pregnant and def. won't get to when baby comes.....so it's best to get it done now. And it feels AMAZING to get it done...finally...who knew that the talk of baby and pregnancy could light fires under our butts....


My new favorite thing this week that we..err..i mean I purchased...a rolling dog food container... yes, this little fantastic storage container is the
BEST.THING.EVER!!! I LOVE IT!!! I got it cuz i always lug the dogs
food over by her bowl and then lug it back and what's better then
a rolling food container that i requires no lifting....whoo hooo!!!
(yes, i realize i could just walk the dog food bowl over to the bag of food, but this fancy little container on wheels not only allowed me to go shopping BUT i had a coupon!!)

Off to find some more things to clean and organize.....

special tiny pills...

or birth control pills...whatev. Hubby refers to them as the special tiny pills....like they're magic or something. lol.

So we got accepted into the IVF program!! YEAH!! That's like a million tons of large boulders leaving my shoulders!!!! I feel so much less anxious and nervous..... this program will allow us to do 3 IVF and 3 FET....and if those don't work...we get at least 70% of our money back....now, obviously we pay more, but it's only like a $5,000 difference from the other package were u don't get ur money back and u only get 2 IVF and 2 FET(frozen embryo transfer) Soooooo....yeah on that!!!

Went to meet with the nurse today...... and i don't have to do any LARGE muscle-anna-nicole-smith style shots!!! whooo hoooo...i will not be getting an infected abscess in my butt and die. Instead i get to insert a wonderful little depository 3x's a day and probably leak blue icky stuff out the va-jay-jay....whooo hooo.... but, i'd rather look like i'm peeing out smurfs then possibly get an infection in my butt. So, win-win. :)

It was weird, walking into the office....it was packed with couples....and the sad thing was, is we were all there for the same reason...we want children and we needed some medical intervention...it also made me feel not so alone....like we were all part of this secret society or something.... The looks you give the other females, like i know your pain, your heartache, your dreams and hopes for future children.... I just wanted to know why everyone was there....Male factor or female issues or both? I almost thought to ask everyone to raise their hands up....but i resisted. There was one couple who left and it looked like she just had a retrieval ...sippin' on her ginger ale. Another couple was their and was signing in for their transfer.... it's just crazy...to know you're not alone....all these young couples trying to make a baby.

Soooo, i started BCP today...and i stop taking them the 22nd and we're looking at a possible transfer like Sept 7,8 or 9th!!! OMG!! That's like a month away....like 4 weeks!!! 30 days!!! OMG!!! CRAZY!

I think the best part of our conversation with the nurse was this...
me:Sooooo, can we still have intercourse?
hubby:chuckles
nurse: sure, if you want to have some ROMANCE, you can, BUT you have to use a barrier contraceptive.
me: chuckles...rriiigghhhttt

Yah, cuz ya know it's been almost 3 years....no baby yet...i HIGHLY doubt we're gonna wind up pregnant now...but all she had to say was triplets and the hubby can go get those condoms.... :)

Apparently, even though we're using BCP,when i stop them, i'm injecting my body with hormones to produce eggs, and lots of them and one could fall off and we could get pregnant and not know and they do the transfer and put 2 eggs in there, not knowing there is already a baby growing and then we could have triplets..... yah, so we won't be taking that chance...nope, not at all!!! seriously, no triplets for this lady.

wow...so i got this little calendar with stickers and such...fun!!! so i'm totally going to fill it out....how exciting.

Oh man, i really, really hope it works out the first time...

package and pics

So, i got my package of clothes i ordered from Old Navy....is it bad that 3/5 items were maternity items? I can't believe i'm admitting i bought maternity clothes b4 i'm even pregnant.....

I really do have a great explanation as to why someone who is NOT pregnant would even consider, let alone buy maternity clothes.....but here goes....when i start the shots, i've heard you get SUPER bloated...like your little walnut sized ovaries get blown up to grapefruit sized....sooooo.....yeah. I'm worried about it, the bloating and the clothes not fitting, so when i had to get 'cleared' from the fertility clinic's therapist to begin IVF (apparently all patients have to) i talked about the bloat....so she suggested i buy a pair of pants a size bigger ....great idea...not sure she meant maternity pants, but whatever works....personally, the size bigger pants just do that, they look like i'm wearing to big of pants, where the maternity pants are my size just no buttons!!! Then Old Navy was having a sale on pants and i thought, what if i got those 'real waist' pants.....i'm ALL about the comfy-ness!! So, i ended up with a cheap pair of pants, although not real waist, it's the roll down panel...so i thought whatever...i'll just roll it down...i got them today and they totally don't even look like maternity pants...sweet! and the bonus is i can wear them while pregnant!!! :)

Then i got 2 tops.....one i REALLY REALLY LOVE! let's see if i can get some pictures loaded....

Oh yeah and i went in for my ultrasound and bloodwork...got a call this afternoon that all is well and she faxed on over my paperwork to apply for the program we are hoping for....fingers crossed.....we should probally know sometime friday or early next week.....

Seriously, i LOVE this shirt, i even got it in that color...it looks a little weird in the picture, but seriously, you CAN NOT tell it's a maternity top....it's just so cute....


I got this one in black, what i like is that since it's made for maternity, it's a little bigger and longer in the stomach area so i kinda can bunch it up around my waist and you can't tell if i'm bloated......ah, i love black for that reason..


I am thinking about getting this top, since i'd imagine that it's probably a little looser in the stomach area and i can wear it with a cardigan....



These three shirts are just shirts i think are WAY TO CUTE!!!! i am totally buying them once i'm preggers!!! One thing i have promised myself is NO BLACK (minus the one black tshirt from above) during pregnancy.....for once in my life i don't have to hide my stomach...i get to show it off, so i will...believe me i WILL!!! And i am going to look cute doing it ...darn it!!!

YIPPIE!!!! AF has arrived.... so that means i am on CD1 (cycle Day) Tomorrow, Wednesday, i go in for my ultrasound and bloodwork. Then my 'nurse' will finish the application for the program we are applying for and PLEASE PLEASE CROSS ur fingers we get it!!!! and then we meet with the nurses' on Friday morning and then i'm suppose to start BCP on CD5....which is saturday.

HOLY COWS!!! i can't believe how fast this is moving..... i mean, this is it, we're finally doing this.....we're going to have a baby!!!! It's just so surreal...
I was kinda bummed...like when you are graduating high school bummmed yesterday (i started to spot last night) that this was our last chance to concieve naturally and it didn't work.....kinda like sad to leave that part but excitied for what the future holds..... I can't believe we're actually going to have a baby.....gosh i really really hope and pray IVF works....