and they're angry thoughts. I don't know why i'm so angry..well, actually i guess i kinda do.....i dunno....i don't know if it's 2.5 years worth of hoping every month....if it's frustration....i mean, are we trying to have a child every month, knowing that the odds are stacked so much against us and yet, every month we try...why? Why are we trying so hard to have a baby? It just shouldn't be this hard.
Another person i know is expecting....which is fabulous, but seriously....i know 14 people right now expecting a baby....1 just had her baby about a week ago....i can't take it anymore.....i feel like i have cried so much this month...i feel like i continue to get my heart stabbed OVER AND OVER and OVER again!!!!! Rub it in my face a little more universe....i mean, really, lets keep on shoving it in my face...every week why don't u just remind me of what i can't do....get pregnant, have a child....LAME...yup, that's what i think about it.
This sucks.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
wow...
so this is what it feels like to have a 'normal' period. Yup, although AF showed her ugly face this evening....i have had ZERO cramps. The symptoms this month: i was a little sweaty and hot on and off all day today and last night. Also, late last week ....i chalked it up to maybe having caught a little bug...but nope, now i'm thinking it was just AF getting ready to come. I was also SUPER hungry today.....another symptom i haven't seen in years..... and then of course the emotional tears this month....otherwise....no cravings for chocolate, no PMS, no irritability(poppa monkey is happy about the last two i'm sure)!! I have been kinda gassy and bloated, but that can also be from the cleanse i'm still doing.
Man, i don't remember the last time i actually didn't have cramps when i got my period.....i think maybe in High school.....cuz i do remember being hot right b4 i would get my period back then...but it's been many, many, years.....so yeah!!
Needless to say....this is all totally acupuncture. Sunshine has been saying all along.....'we've gotta get rid of those cramps'....and now we have. Sunshine explained that although cramps are common, they are not normal.... I love acupuncture!! So, now that my periods are getting a little bit back to 'normal'.....let's hope a baby is next!! :)
Man, i don't remember the last time i actually didn't have cramps when i got my period.....i think maybe in High school.....cuz i do remember being hot right b4 i would get my period back then...but it's been many, many, years.....so yeah!!
Needless to say....this is all totally acupuncture. Sunshine has been saying all along.....'we've gotta get rid of those cramps'....and now we have. Sunshine explained that although cramps are common, they are not normal.... I love acupuncture!! So, now that my periods are getting a little bit back to 'normal'.....let's hope a baby is next!! :)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Been one of those days....
Well, i guess this month is the emotional month....just waiting for AF to show her face....which would explain the emotions...but seriously....it's been bad this month.... i was watching American Idol last night and Kara was crying after Micheal rocked the house and guess who else started to cry...yup..me.
I was doing something else the other day and i started to cry and i'm like seriously? why am i even crying? So, you know it's bad when you start asking yourself why you're crying.
I think i'm feeling a little over whelmed....18 beautiful and blessed mommas are around me....4 have had their little monkey's in the last 2 months.....i just can't believe it.....usually it's like 1-3 ppl you know that are expecting....but naw, apparently i like to 'go big or go home.' LOL. I'm so incredibly happy for these ladies....i just hope someday i will join them in the ranks of motherhood....i hope someday i get to have my own beautiful baby bump........
Our annv. is in March and it's crazy to think this is the 3rd annv. that i'd hope that i'd get a BFP on our annv. instead of my period.....March 2008, i was still so hopeful 3.5 months in to TTC and i thought..this is the month......and March 2009...a little less hopeful, but still wanting more then anything a BFP, at least AF was nice about it and was 2 days late...so we could 'celebrate' our annv.... and now here we are in March 2010....more hopeless then hopeful, but still hoping....
I got a psychic reading done over last summer and she said in the next 6 months(March being the 6th month) i was going to get pregnant....She also said i was going to have 2 girls...and either they were twins or they would be very close in age...like Irish Twins and then she mentioned our fertility struggles... i swear i didn't say one word about it.....so we'll see. Someone else gave me a reading and said i'd either conceive, or get a BFP in Oct,Nov, Dec 2009 or Jan, Feb March 2010.....soooo....who knows......
This has just been on my mind so much lately....the Universe is just testing me big time and it's getting harder and harder....this month has been super hard.....and i just don't know why.....it's just if i had a crystal ball.....if i knew that i'd get pregnant and have a healthy baby in a year or 2 or 3...then i'd be okay...cuz i know it'd happen. But the unknown, it's scary....i have NO control over it..... the only control i have is how i'm going to react, how i'm going to be pro-active.....
I read a quote somewhere saying....'infertility doesn't make me weak, it makes me stronger'......soooo sooo true....
I was doing something else the other day and i started to cry and i'm like seriously? why am i even crying? So, you know it's bad when you start asking yourself why you're crying.
I think i'm feeling a little over whelmed....18 beautiful and blessed mommas are around me....4 have had their little monkey's in the last 2 months.....i just can't believe it.....usually it's like 1-3 ppl you know that are expecting....but naw, apparently i like to 'go big or go home.' LOL. I'm so incredibly happy for these ladies....i just hope someday i will join them in the ranks of motherhood....i hope someday i get to have my own beautiful baby bump........
Our annv. is in March and it's crazy to think this is the 3rd annv. that i'd hope that i'd get a BFP on our annv. instead of my period.....March 2008, i was still so hopeful 3.5 months in to TTC and i thought..this is the month......and March 2009...a little less hopeful, but still wanting more then anything a BFP, at least AF was nice about it and was 2 days late...so we could 'celebrate' our annv.... and now here we are in March 2010....more hopeless then hopeful, but still hoping....
I got a psychic reading done over last summer and she said in the next 6 months(March being the 6th month) i was going to get pregnant....She also said i was going to have 2 girls...and either they were twins or they would be very close in age...like Irish Twins and then she mentioned our fertility struggles... i swear i didn't say one word about it.....so we'll see. Someone else gave me a reading and said i'd either conceive, or get a BFP in Oct,Nov, Dec 2009 or Jan, Feb March 2010.....soooo....who knows......
This has just been on my mind so much lately....the Universe is just testing me big time and it's getting harder and harder....this month has been super hard.....and i just don't know why.....it's just if i had a crystal ball.....if i knew that i'd get pregnant and have a healthy baby in a year or 2 or 3...then i'd be okay...cuz i know it'd happen. But the unknown, it's scary....i have NO control over it..... the only control i have is how i'm going to react, how i'm going to be pro-active.....
I read a quote somewhere saying....'infertility doesn't make me weak, it makes me stronger'......soooo sooo true....
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
not such a wordless Wednesday....
So, i had acupuncture Tuesday and got new ear tacs...i truly do enjoy them.....
I have been feeling quite the anxiety these past two weeks, work has been super busy, we've had some pretty horrendous crimes going on, although we've also had successful arrests and charges, so that is always a rainbow in the dark clouds...
I'm still doing a biggest loser program and i'm beyond frustrated with it....i either gain .3lbs or loose .6lbs...like really, come on....who freakn' doesn't loose more then .6lbs!?!?!?!?! So i'm starting a 21 day cleanse.....we'll see how that goes.
I'm reading this book that Sunshine and Dr gave us, Spirit Babies, it's good, it's just causing me more frustration. Basically we all have auras and greenish/teal are children ....or spirit babies. So basically where i'm at in this book is that pretty much no matter what we do if spirit baby isn't happy, it's not going to come.... So now much of our conversations are....
"spirit baby would not like you to play your video games all day long and swear at the tv."
"our spirit baby would really like mommy to take a nap with daddy."
"i really don't think our spirit baby wants mommy to clean the house today."
LOL
Anyways, we're scheduling our 'spirit baby' consultation with Sunshine who is also a clairvoyant....and that way i can stop going crazy thinking about what 'spirit baby' wants/needs/dislikes and we can have spirit baby 'talk' to us.... i know, it sounds really crazy and weird...but sometimes when you're in our boat...you'll pretty much try anything at least once.... Of course i'll have a post on this later...
I'm feeling much more relaxed now that i've had my acupuncture, the oils that they used today that i really loved the smell were 'peace and joy' and 'courage'.... i seem to normally have 'peace and joy' but once and 'courage' is a new one....i must be feeling pretty courageous about something...maybe it's my new re-motivation i'm feeling with my workout program...who knows. All i know is....i LOVE acupuncture, i would do this every week if i could afford it....... Oh and i got herbs tonight...powder that i have to put in warm water...GAG!!! I think i'll be making these into shots and chasing with juice or something .....man, with all the herbs and spirit baby talk....i really hope we concieve this year and bring home a healthy and happy baby...
And also, I'm starting a 21 day cleanse..i'll let you all know how it goes (do i even have any readers?) Today is day one and so far, so good.....unlike my puppy's tummy that is making all sorts of noises!! But tonight at acupuncture they told me not to try to get pregnant this month since i'm doing the cleanse, so no worries this month...i mean, it's kinda gonna be like every other month...so i don't think we have to worry to much about it...i'm off to google if it's horrible for a baby...'just in case'. I'm hoping this will help me shed actual poundage and fix some stomach issues i've had the last few years, and maybe help us concieve too...Did ya know they can actually turn you away from IVF if you're 'over weight'....yeah, so i better got on that...'just in case' Sunshine asked if i've been losing weight....how lovely of her to comment on my .6 lb weight loss. :P
Here's a little something that i read often.....it's one of my favorite little stories that i have come across and when i run into friends that are having issues getting pregnant, i always share this with them.....so, now i share with you...
Different Trips to the Same Place
Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You’ve heard it’s a wonderful place. You’ve read many guidebooks and feel certain you’re ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.
So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you’ll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait-and wait- and wait.
Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, “Relax. You’ll get on a flight soon.” Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, “It’s not fair”.
After a long time the ticket agent tells you, “I’m sorry, we’re not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat.”
“By Boat!” you say, “Going by boat will take a very long time and costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane.” So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.
It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three times, marveling about each trip.
Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite that you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.
People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, “Oh be glad you didn’t fly. My flight was horrible, traveling by sea is so easy.”
You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.-Author Unknown
I have been feeling quite the anxiety these past two weeks, work has been super busy, we've had some pretty horrendous crimes going on, although we've also had successful arrests and charges, so that is always a rainbow in the dark clouds...
I'm still doing a biggest loser program and i'm beyond frustrated with it....i either gain .3lbs or loose .6lbs...like really, come on....who freakn' doesn't loose more then .6lbs!?!?!?!?! So i'm starting a 21 day cleanse.....we'll see how that goes.
I'm reading this book that Sunshine and Dr gave us, Spirit Babies, it's good, it's just causing me more frustration. Basically we all have auras and greenish/teal are children ....or spirit babies. So basically where i'm at in this book is that pretty much no matter what we do if spirit baby isn't happy, it's not going to come.... So now much of our conversations are....
"spirit baby would not like you to play your video games all day long and swear at the tv."
"our spirit baby would really like mommy to take a nap with daddy."
"i really don't think our spirit baby wants mommy to clean the house today."
LOL
Anyways, we're scheduling our 'spirit baby' consultation with Sunshine who is also a clairvoyant....and that way i can stop going crazy thinking about what 'spirit baby' wants/needs/dislikes and we can have spirit baby 'talk' to us.... i know, it sounds really crazy and weird...but sometimes when you're in our boat...you'll pretty much try anything at least once.... Of course i'll have a post on this later...
I'm feeling much more relaxed now that i've had my acupuncture, the oils that they used today that i really loved the smell were 'peace and joy' and 'courage'.... i seem to normally have 'peace and joy' but once and 'courage' is a new one....i must be feeling pretty courageous about something...maybe it's my new re-motivation i'm feeling with my workout program...who knows. All i know is....i LOVE acupuncture, i would do this every week if i could afford it....... Oh and i got herbs tonight...powder that i have to put in warm water...GAG!!! I think i'll be making these into shots and chasing with juice or something .....man, with all the herbs and spirit baby talk....i really hope we concieve this year and bring home a healthy and happy baby...
And also, I'm starting a 21 day cleanse..i'll let you all know how it goes (do i even have any readers?) Today is day one and so far, so good.....unlike my puppy's tummy that is making all sorts of noises!! But tonight at acupuncture they told me not to try to get pregnant this month since i'm doing the cleanse, so no worries this month...i mean, it's kinda gonna be like every other month...so i don't think we have to worry to much about it...i'm off to google if it's horrible for a baby...'just in case'. I'm hoping this will help me shed actual poundage and fix some stomach issues i've had the last few years, and maybe help us concieve too...Did ya know they can actually turn you away from IVF if you're 'over weight'....yeah, so i better got on that...'just in case' Sunshine asked if i've been losing weight....how lovely of her to comment on my .6 lb weight loss. :P
Here's a little something that i read often.....it's one of my favorite little stories that i have come across and when i run into friends that are having issues getting pregnant, i always share this with them.....so, now i share with you...
Different Trips to the Same Place
Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You’ve heard it’s a wonderful place. You’ve read many guidebooks and feel certain you’re ready to go. Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.
So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you; you’ll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait-and wait- and wait.
Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, “Relax. You’ll get on a flight soon.” Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, “It’s not fair”.
After a long time the ticket agent tells you, “I’m sorry, we’re not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat.”
“By Boat!” you say, “Going by boat will take a very long time and costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane.” So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.
It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three times, marveling about each trip.
Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite that you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.
People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, “Oh be glad you didn’t fly. My flight was horrible, traveling by sea is so easy.”
You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.-Author Unknown
Sunday, February 28, 2010
movie....
So, i just happen to have been a HUGE 90210 fan back in the day and Jason Priestley was my FAVORITE!! So, when i saw he was in a recent Hallmark movie that was going to be playing....i watched it.
Not only did i watch it....but i balled my eyes out too....
Here's a link to the trailer you can watch...
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2254651/expecting_a_miracle_hallmark_channel/
It's about a couple who after 3 IVF attempts, go and take a much needed vacation.....it just made me feel 'normal' when i saw how they responded to each other after the last failed attempt....because, honestly, we've been there. It was then that they had to make a choice, try again, which they didn't have the money for or not have children. Adoption was kinda in the air..... it's a hard place for a couple to have to be at.
If i've learned one thing about our journey, a couple has to STAY STRONG....
Not only did i watch it....but i balled my eyes out too....
Here's a link to the trailer you can watch...
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2254651/expecting_a_miracle_hallmark_channel/
It's about a couple who after 3 IVF attempts, go and take a much needed vacation.....it just made me feel 'normal' when i saw how they responded to each other after the last failed attempt....because, honestly, we've been there. It was then that they had to make a choice, try again, which they didn't have the money for or not have children. Adoption was kinda in the air..... it's a hard place for a couple to have to be at.
If i've learned one thing about our journey, a couple has to STAY STRONG....
Friday, February 26, 2010
OhNo he didn't....
He sure did...just grab up another medal in the Olympics!! I'm talking about the only Apolo Ohno...
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http://www.apoloantonohno.com/home
I just have to give a shout out to Apolo....although i was bummed he was DQ'd earlier tonight...he still rocked it and i'm still a fan.....even if i'm a little biased cuz he looks kinda like poppa monkey
.jpg)
http://www.apoloantonohno.com/home
I just have to give a shout out to Apolo....although i was bummed he was DQ'd earlier tonight...he still rocked it and i'm still a fan.....even if i'm a little biased cuz he looks kinda like poppa monkey
'"What's in a name?...
"...That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet." -Juliet
This is the post that i list possible names...
I have my boy name and girl name that i really like but am keeping a secret for now.....
Boys: Cody
Jacob (Jake)
Alexander (Alex)
Lucas (Luke)
Jameson
Samul
Joel
Girls:
Kalei
Alexis
Eleanor
Ella
Elaine
Josephine
This is the post that i list possible names...
I have my boy name and girl name that i really like but am keeping a secret for now.....
Boys: Cody
Jacob (Jake)
Alexander (Alex)
Lucas (Luke)
Jameson
Samul
Joel
Girls:
Kalei
Alexis
Eleanor
Ella
Elaine
Josephine
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