movie....

So, i just happen to have been a HUGE 90210 fan back in the day and Jason Priestley was my FAVORITE!! So, when i saw he was in a recent Hallmark movie that was going to be playing....i watched it.
Not only did i watch it....but i balled my eyes out too....
Here's a link to the trailer you can watch...

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2254651/expecting_a_miracle_hallmark_channel/

It's about a couple who after 3 IVF attempts, go and take a much needed vacation.....it just made me feel 'normal' when i saw how they responded to each other after the last failed attempt....because, honestly, we've been there. It was then that they had to make a choice, try again, which they didn't have the money for or not have children. Adoption was kinda in the air..... it's a hard place for a couple to have to be at.
If i've learned one thing about our journey, a couple has to STAY STRONG....

OhNo he didn't....

He sure did...just grab up another medal in the Olympics!! I'm talking about the only Apolo Ohno...



http://www.apoloantonohno.com/home

I just have to give a shout out to Apolo....although i was bummed he was DQ'd earlier tonight...he still rocked it and i'm still a fan.....even if i'm a little biased cuz he looks kinda like poppa monkey

'"What's in a name?...

"...That which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet." -Juliet


This is the post that i list possible names...
I have my boy name and girl name that i really like but am keeping a secret for now.....

Boys: Cody
Jacob (Jake)
Alexander (Alex)
Lucas (Luke)
Jameson
Samul
Joel

Girls:
Kalei
Alexis
Eleanor
Ella
Elaine
Josephine

Hello? Anyone there???

It's weird....sometimes i feel like i have the plague....
It seems that when your friends trying for a baby or don't have a baby --you have things in common, you hang out, you go places and then this weird thing happens....your friends get pregnant. And they get all weird and strange and then slowly disappear. I don't sit there and talk about my issues, unless you ask and i try to keep it really short and vague.....and if you're pregnant, get ready....cuz i'm always asking questions...cuz i'm curious......

But don't just ignore me or just drop out of my life because you're pregnant, i realize what you're experiencing isn't what i am, but we are friends...we're going to go through things differently at different times.....talk to me about your pregnancy...be my friend.

Maybe it's something i've noticed cuz like 14 people i know are pregnant, but I'm not contiguous.... :(

So i was over here http://michaelandmarykate.blogspot.com reading Mary Kate's journey of IVF and now life with twins and
and found this poem....i thought it was fitting....

I will be a wonderful Mother

There are women who become mothers without effort,
without thought,
without patience or loss,
and though they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics or money
or because I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life,
the people who truly have appreciation
are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore, and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake
in the middle of the night to the sound of my child,
knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him
and that I am not waking to take another temperature,
pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense;
that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to
or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter,
neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment,
as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face,
yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me,
I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better,
I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn
to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Thoughtless Thursday.....

Ever have one of those moments when you walk into a grocery store and it seems like you've been left out on the memo that says ..today is wear your fuzzy crazy PJ bottoms day... well, it seems that when babies are the furthest from my mind...i will walk in on the baby bump Sunday....where it seems like all the pregnant ladies go shopping this day...i go to grab milk and bam, pregnant belly....i shimmy down the dog food isle...bam, another very pregnant belly and then i skip on over to the veggies and there's a maybe baby belly.... but it's just not Sundays.... oh no...there's Twin Tuesday...where i swear everyone who has twins goes shopping that day...or momma is going crazy Monday with a crabby 2 year old throwing a Oscar winning tantrum in isle 10, and 12 and 14 and.... and then there's the We all have baby girls Wednesday, where apparently those with baby girls should go shopping..swarms of pink...everywhere. And then there's Tantrum Thursday where EVERY single kid is crying, screaming, whining and momma monkey is going to have a break down if she hears one more freakn' kid screaming....and then there's adorable future monkey Fridays, where i'm stuck in the longest line ever behind the cutest kids that remind me of what our future monkey's might look like... and then there's the pregnancy test commercial Saturday...where that stupid commercial about how peeing on the test is the best thing you'll ever pee on....yeah, that one gets played over and over and over and over again....

and today says....

"that all is well. All is going according to plan. Trust that there is a bigger picture. Trust that life is unfolding as it should."

Strange things have been happening today.... this is the quote that poppa monkey had on his page and strangely enough...it speaks loud and clear to me today.....

So, remember that when you're doubting things, when things are seeming to be so rough and hard and unbearable..........things will get better, things will make sense and this is where we are to be. :)

and then i don't.....

surrender......yet. So, I began to think about writing a blog on our fertility things cuz well, frankly, i have a lot of thoughts and it's hard for me to keep my thoughts in and not release them. It's hard to talk to poppa monkey, cuz he's a guy and well, sometimes he just doesn't get it....i have my best girls, but sometimes i feel foolish for being so frustrated about 'my issues' when they have their own issues....the last thing they want to hear about is me rambling on about our fertility struggles.
So, i began the blog, as a way for me to vent, to get rid of 2.5 years of trying to get pregnant, to clear my chakra's so our 'spirit baby' will come to us....to release my anxieties and my worries....to not be judged.
Some days i'm frustrated, some days are like yesterday, full of disappointment, frustration and giving up. And other days are like today --where i'm grateful i got my period this morning cuz then at least i know my body is working right. That today i know that i am exactly where i am meant to be. That i can dream about baby names and a future with poppa monkey that includes children. That i know i will be a mother...wither it's conventional or unconventional...it will happen....i just can't control when it will happen.
Today is a new day. I am alive.
97% of the time, i'm like today, my thoughts are clear and happy and like today. Sometimes i'm in between today and yesterday and other times, although seldom, but every few months i get like yesterday. I want to give up.
So, call me crazy...my emotions vary but, it's life - we deal and we move on.

I had acupuncture today - so i'm all balanced. Got new ear tacs...yeah!! I took out my right one last week (she said i could take them out if they're bothering me to much til i get used to them) cuz when i slept it kept hurting. I kept the left one in and seriously....EVERYONE should get these!! When i'm driving and getting all anxious, i push on my tac and a calmness washes over me. Get a headache, push tac - gone! Feeling pissy, push tac- relaxed. Hard time falling asleep, push tac - ASLEEP!! It's amazing! In fact, last week i felt like i was getting sick and i kept pushing on my tac and i felt okay....Friday i took out my tac cuz it was itching and it was like my body went bonkers...i was sneezing, i felt like crap, i had tummy issues, i was coughing....it was insane!! So, now i have new ones and i will NOT be taking these bad boys out...