as brittany spears sings in her song Stronger...... "well, i'm stronger then yesterday"..... yup....that i am or i'm still happy with Glee tonight and the ending..... i love finn and rachel!!....
I got a message from a friend who pointed out that i should be proud of myself, how much i've grown through this process and it really touched me..... here i was feeling like i disappointed the world, my husband, my friends, my family, myself, Clover..... and yet, i hadn't even stopped to say - good job J, you did something you never thought you could.... you gave yourself shots when you were scared...you got blood work every other day, you did what you had to do, to get things done. And although i felt like it was all for nothing.....it was for something. I'm a hell of a lot stronger then i give myself credit for. So thank you friend for helping me see that i've grown through this process and although it wasn't the outcome we wanted or had hoped for, we're stronger because of it.
And thank you friends, all of you, who have sent emails, messages, texts or just phoned to see how things were going..... without all your support, i think it would have been so hard....hubby and I have felt the love and it is what surrounds us during our moments when we cry for the babies we had worked so hard for and loved. Your love and support will carry us through our next cycle and we are forever grateful for the friends we have in our lives. We are so touched and honored to call you a friend......thank you, you have no idea how much your actions have touched our hearts.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Beta day
and unfort. it was negative. I'm devestated...heartbroken....this pain in my heart sucks. we have our WTF apt on Wednesday to go over what the next steps are....
Well, at least now i can go to the gym and work my butt off and the extra weight i gained with the meds.....
Well, at least now i can go to the gym and work my butt off and the extra weight i gained with the meds.....
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
7dp5dt
The road has continued to be bumpy.....it's like one day i'm positive, the next i'm certain it didn't work and then i feel guilty like i just gave up on my babies....
Last night - not a good day...i was crabby and just feeling kinda down....and then i had some strange dreams, but one was that i kept POAS(peeing on a stick) and they kept coming up positive....one was green and had to have 3 lines and i was like dude, is there really 3 lines??? The feeling was amazing that we kept getting positive tests.... i can't wait for that to happen for real. 3.5 more days and then 8am i will know for sure.
You may wonder why i'm not testing before then....well, the answer is simple....the fear of the negative keeps me away..... yes, i REALLY want to test...but, then when i start to think about it, i decide it's best i don't....tech. i could get a negative today and a positive 2 days from now...i've had friends who tested the day of their beta and it was negative, only to find out that they were actually pregnant via the beta.....so it does happen. Sometimes the HCG hormone just doesn't get detected. Plus, if i got a negative, i know it would bring me down and then i'd have to keep testing.....or if if got a positive, i'd worry and still have to test everyday til my beta....although if my beta is positive, i'll be testing all the time after that anyways...lol.
The land of the unknown.... may God give me the strength and courage to face monday, whatever it shall bring.
Last night - not a good day...i was crabby and just feeling kinda down....and then i had some strange dreams, but one was that i kept POAS(peeing on a stick) and they kept coming up positive....one was green and had to have 3 lines and i was like dude, is there really 3 lines??? The feeling was amazing that we kept getting positive tests.... i can't wait for that to happen for real. 3.5 more days and then 8am i will know for sure.
You may wonder why i'm not testing before then....well, the answer is simple....the fear of the negative keeps me away..... yes, i REALLY want to test...but, then when i start to think about it, i decide it's best i don't....tech. i could get a negative today and a positive 2 days from now...i've had friends who tested the day of their beta and it was negative, only to find out that they were actually pregnant via the beta.....so it does happen. Sometimes the HCG hormone just doesn't get detected. Plus, if i got a negative, i know it would bring me down and then i'd have to keep testing.....or if if got a positive, i'd worry and still have to test everyday til my beta....although if my beta is positive, i'll be testing all the time after that anyways...lol.
The land of the unknown.... may God give me the strength and courage to face monday, whatever it shall bring.
Monday, September 20, 2010
ah the ups and downs...
so today is a 'down' day. I'm just feeling like it didn't work, i had a good cry this morning..... Nothing can prepare you for this 2WW.....nothing.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
3dp5dt
yah, that little jumble of words and numbers in the title....that means i'm 3 days past a 5 day transfer....
My Transfer went really well -- got there, my MIL came with me, since the hubby wasn't able to-- which really, i think was good for her to be a part of that, cuz i think it made the whole process more real for her...she never was really 'into' it and just was kinda like do your own thing, you don't have to talk to me about it....but, i think when she actually saw the eggs and her 'grandchildren'....i think it really hit her in her heart and she realized how amazing it is, even if my
baby(ies)life starts off in a petridish.
So, i get there, take a little magic pill to relax and drink up my 32 billion oz of water, peed 2 times cuz i thought my bladder was going to burst (you have to have a full bladder cuz it pushes down the uterine cavity so they have better access to it...or something like that)and then i had to drink more water, cuz i just peed out all the water i was drinking all morning..... then in i go. They showed me the babies they were transferring and then - in one tube, and into me......it was super fast....but so cool at the same time. And the ultrasound tech guy was really cool in explaining everything to me...so it was neat and you'll be happy to know i had a great full bladder, so all was well. :) So, they helped me up and said, okay, go potty and i'm like what? won't i pee them out...to which they laughed and said nope.
Then as i'm walking down the hallway i'm like squeezing my legs together.....ever watch The Backup Plan after Jennifer Lopez's character gets an IUI and she's walking down the hallway all weird...that was me... i made sure i wouldn't 'walk' them out....and then i had to pass gas, but i was really afraid i might fart them out...so i held it... it's like in my right mind i totally know i can't fart out my babies...but, in the paranoid, irrational mind....i might.
Out of our 18 fertilized eggs, 11 made it to 5 day, we had 3 good ones, 2 of which we transferred in and then we waited on the other 8 ones to see if they would catch up and be able to freeze. We transfered in 2 grade 4BB embryos. 5&A being the best... we have 7 frosties (frozen embies) and one of them is a grade 5BB-which just means it started to hatch out!!) So, i'm hoping that since they were doing well in the lab, i'm hoping they are doing awesome in my uterus!
I have the picture of my babies.....i just have to get on a computer that doesn't run SUPER SLOW, like our desktop so i can load it on up. so, they'll be up soon.
Unfortunately the meds i'm on mimic pregnancy symptoms so although my boobs hurt, i'm tired, i'm crampy here and there, bloated, i'm weepy (no animals cops or the news or Mickey Mouse's Club House)and i've gotten up in the middle of the night to pee 3 nights in a row.....i don't know if it's the baby(ies) or the meds...sucks huh? oh and i nap...and am still able to go to bed by 930pm.....i am NOT a napper...i hate naps...if i take a nap, i don't end up falling asleep until the wee hours of the morning..... the last few days, around 230/3pm, i end up falling asleep, even if i didn't think i was tired and take a good hour nap or so, wake up and by 9p, start getting tired....and i sleep, i mean, i sleep good at night...until 330 or 430am comes around and i gotta pee and then i lay in bed wondering if it's the baby(ies) or if its the meds and when the last time i drank water was (last night i made sure i cut off all fluids by 8pm, peed b4 bed and still woke up at 430a to pee) oh, and lets not talk about chicken....ya know what, lets.... yeah, Grilled Chicken=GROSS! i got a snack wrap the other day cuz i was STARVING...it's quick, it's relatively "healhty" for fast food...took one bite and i about vomited it up....i gagged it down cuz i was hungry but it was HORRIBLE .....just thinking about chicken right now is making me gag....ew.
It's weird, i mean, i've been in 2WW before, where you're just waiting for your period, hoping that you're late so you can test....but, i've never been in THIS 2WW...where i KNOW i have fertilized eggs in there, i KNOW they were ready to hatch and stick.... Gosh, i really hope this works!
9 more days........
My Transfer went really well -- got there, my MIL came with me, since the hubby wasn't able to-- which really, i think was good for her to be a part of that, cuz i think it made the whole process more real for her...she never was really 'into' it and just was kinda like do your own thing, you don't have to talk to me about it....but, i think when she actually saw the eggs and her 'grandchildren'....i think it really hit her in her heart and she realized how amazing it is, even if my
baby(ies)life starts off in a petridish.
So, i get there, take a little magic pill to relax and drink up my 32 billion oz of water, peed 2 times cuz i thought my bladder was going to burst (you have to have a full bladder cuz it pushes down the uterine cavity so they have better access to it...or something like that)and then i had to drink more water, cuz i just peed out all the water i was drinking all morning..... then in i go. They showed me the babies they were transferring and then - in one tube, and into me......it was super fast....but so cool at the same time. And the ultrasound tech guy was really cool in explaining everything to me...so it was neat and you'll be happy to know i had a great full bladder, so all was well. :) So, they helped me up and said, okay, go potty and i'm like what? won't i pee them out...to which they laughed and said nope.
Then as i'm walking down the hallway i'm like squeezing my legs together.....ever watch The Backup Plan after Jennifer Lopez's character gets an IUI and she's walking down the hallway all weird...that was me... i made sure i wouldn't 'walk' them out....and then i had to pass gas, but i was really afraid i might fart them out...so i held it... it's like in my right mind i totally know i can't fart out my babies...but, in the paranoid, irrational mind....i might.
Out of our 18 fertilized eggs, 11 made it to 5 day, we had 3 good ones, 2 of which we transferred in and then we waited on the other 8 ones to see if they would catch up and be able to freeze. We transfered in 2 grade 4BB embryos. 5&A being the best... we have 7 frosties (frozen embies) and one of them is a grade 5BB-which just means it started to hatch out!!) So, i'm hoping that since they were doing well in the lab, i'm hoping they are doing awesome in my uterus!
I have the picture of my babies.....i just have to get on a computer that doesn't run SUPER SLOW, like our desktop so i can load it on up. so, they'll be up soon.
Unfortunately the meds i'm on mimic pregnancy symptoms so although my boobs hurt, i'm tired, i'm crampy here and there, bloated, i'm weepy (no animals cops or the news or Mickey Mouse's Club House)and i've gotten up in the middle of the night to pee 3 nights in a row.....i don't know if it's the baby(ies) or the meds...sucks huh? oh and i nap...and am still able to go to bed by 930pm.....i am NOT a napper...i hate naps...if i take a nap, i don't end up falling asleep until the wee hours of the morning..... the last few days, around 230/3pm, i end up falling asleep, even if i didn't think i was tired and take a good hour nap or so, wake up and by 9p, start getting tired....and i sleep, i mean, i sleep good at night...until 330 or 430am comes around and i gotta pee and then i lay in bed wondering if it's the baby(ies) or if its the meds and when the last time i drank water was (last night i made sure i cut off all fluids by 8pm, peed b4 bed and still woke up at 430a to pee) oh, and lets not talk about chicken....ya know what, lets.... yeah, Grilled Chicken=GROSS! i got a snack wrap the other day cuz i was STARVING...it's quick, it's relatively "healhty" for fast food...took one bite and i about vomited it up....i gagged it down cuz i was hungry but it was HORRIBLE .....just thinking about chicken right now is making me gag....ew.
It's weird, i mean, i've been in 2WW before, where you're just waiting for your period, hoping that you're late so you can test....but, i've never been in THIS 2WW...where i KNOW i have fertilized eggs in there, i KNOW they were ready to hatch and stick.... Gosh, i really hope this works!
9 more days........
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Woot!
I am offically PUPO!!!! these next 12 days are going to get f-o-r-e-v-e-r......so, i'm gonna enjoy every second of it......
Transfer was quick and easy and i've got so much on my mind right now...i'll post later....but please send some sticky vibes my way and that these eggs continue to grow and blossom into amazing little people!
Transfer was quick and easy and i've got so much on my mind right now...i'll post later....but please send some sticky vibes my way and that these eggs continue to grow and blossom into amazing little people!
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