wow!!

So, i looked at twin belly pics....and the first time i did this i was shocked at how HUGE the bellies can get...i'm like, how in the WORLD does one carry that belly around? How are they not falling over... anyways....since i'm in this "downtime" - where i'm not really doing anything but waiting...... i looked at pics again....
i'm glad i did, cuz there were some cute bellies.....and the HUGE ones were like 35+ weeks, which also made me feel better that there were a lot of ppl past 35 weeks....and granted their bellies were HUGE, at least i'd know that would be towards the end. Some where hardly showing at 15 weeks or they had these cute little baby bumps.

So, i am done with the BCP as of yesterday...so i should expect a 'bleed' sometime in the next 3-6 days which means my body will probably wait 2 weeks just cuz it can.... i have a ultrasound and b/w on Friday and that's when i will know if i should begin my stimming meds....to make those eggos!!!! :)

i'm ready to be done with this process.... i just want to be at the egg retrieval and transfer part, i want to be getting my beta, which will hopefully be positive, i would love to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy delivery and baby(ies)
I just want this so badly, i just hope it goes perfectly.....ya know.

patience, young grasshopper....patience.....

Day 3 - Lupron and other ramblings....

So, tonight was lucky shot #3........no problems. No side effect yet...i don't think. I do have a slight headache that's just kinda in the background, but i'd have that since a few days after taking BCP....i do notice that since taking the Lupron, i get kinda a pain in my shoulder...don't know if it's related or not, but it's never a problem, but like i slept on it weird or something....i don't know how to explain it and it only lasts like 1 second...... maybe it was because i was kinda nervous and tense leading up to my first shot....and now the muscle has relaxed. I am feeling bloated....much more tonight then yesterday.....and i just read about a lady who gained a TON of weight on Lupron and hasn't lost it....G.R.E.A.T....not cool. Oh, i do have one side effect -dizziness...just here or there, basically if i move too fast...but it's nothing bad. So, i'm not suppose to be extreme working out cuz the endorphins mess with the drugs...but i walked in place and lifted weights for about 45mins while watching a Made for Lifetime movie about a couple in IN in 1993 who gave birth to the 1st sextuplets..... yeah..and then i had to give myself a shot and i'm like oh man....please, please, please no 6 babies.....i mean, obviously, i'll be more then happy....but 6 is pushing it just a little bit....LOL.

Anyways..i also found this on a forum i was 'lurking' on....
Lord, Give me Strength...

·To keep my cool when another period starts.

·To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.

·To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.

·To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.

·To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.

·To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.

·To make the right decision about treatment.

·To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.

I bolded the ones that apply to me. Perhaps the others applied when we first began this infertility journey, but i am just so happy when ppl can get pregnant, that i'm not jealous, i'm not bitter..... i am truly happy for them....and i think it has to do with what we have been through that i don't want others to go through it if they don't have to....it's a hard road to walk along.

It's helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Indeed, this creed i have recited numerous times along this road.....

Infertility is...

·Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own. (yah, i have done this when he plays with my niece and nephew or his cousin's kids.....but i hope that reality comes very soon)

·Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had. (haven't done this yet, but i've been warned it's coming once i start stimming)

·Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?". (i wouldn't avoid, but i always wish i had a great comeback....i try very hard not to ask ppl this, just in case they too are struggling in silence)

·Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences. (yup, this has happened --i don't really mind it, cuz i can learn things, but sometimes it can be a bit much)

·Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you. (or the whole universe)

·Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about". (unfort. this too has happened)

·Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying. (yah, i beg to differ....i wouldn't mind a baby cooing)

·Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren. (YUP)

·Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" or "just relax, it'll happen when you don't think about it." Easy, right? (oh yeah, i hated the old, 'just relax' song and dance...cuz then when i try to say i am relaxed then it looks like i'm really not....but i really am!! LOL)

cry baby!!!

Yup, i'm a cry baby..... so, i'm waiting around for 8pm to show so i can begin my shot. So, i watch the handy dandy shot video so i know i'm doing it right, hubby reminds me how to hold the needle and such....so i get all ready. I'm standing in the kitchen, i get the shot ready and i pintch my stomach and i'm ready to do it and i start bawling....like shoulder shaking crying....and i'm like 'i don't want to do this..' and poppa monkey says, 'i know, but you have to, think about what we're trying for, a baby.' and i'm like 'i know, but i don't want to give myself shots.' and poppa monkey's all like 'it's easy, just stick in there....1...2...3...go!!" and i'm crying, 'i can't do this, i can't do it..you have to' and his eyes pop wide open and he's like 'dude, you have to do it, what if i'm not here.' and i'm like 'ok, i CAN do this, let's do it, i can do it'.....and i go and the needle wouldn't go in.. i'm like, 'it won't go in, turn on some music'....so, poppa monkey gets all flustered that i'm not doing it right and goes to grab the needle and i'm like 'i'll do it, just stop talking, stop telling me it's easy...you're not the one about to stick urself with hormones that you don't know how ur body is going to react to.' so, he leaves....and i do it. It didn't even hurt.....i was like, dude, it didn't hurt, i did it....i was so nervous about how much it would hurt....that i felt so stupid that i was so upset about it......and it didn't even hurt.

So, for day 1- no changes, a little bloated, but i think that's from the BCP.....still feeling 'normal'

scared.....

yup, that's me....scared. I start my Lupron shots tomorrow night 8pm......and i'm scared. I'm not soooo scared about the needles anymore...but i am scared that i'm screwing with my body.
I may not have always gotten a period every month or had perfect length cycles, but i know i ovulate and so far medically speaking....i'm totally fine. But, i've never been pregnant....so, i don't know if i can.

I"m scared about that, about what if there's something wrong with me that they haven't found yet...... i'm scared that i'm going to royally screw up my body.... i'm scared how the hormones will effect me.... i'm scared either i'll over stimulate or i won't stim enough.....

I know that in the end, everything will be worth it....i know this, but i still feel like i have the right to be afraid...... and twins....

I'm scared about really, seriously, having twins....and i think it's more about the pregnancy then actually the twins themselves..... i'm afraid of pre-term labor, i'm afraid of having to go on bedrest and not being able to work,i'm afraid of complications with twin pregnancies/births....i'm afraid....but again, i know that we would be double blessed..... and if we did wind up with twins and i got to choose the gender...i'd totally be okay with a boy/girl twins......

I'm just afraid..... i don't know how i'm going to be able to give myself a shot tomorrow....thinking about it makes my stomach tighten up and i get all nervous....
So i think i'm gonna try a 'reward' system.....taking ideas now....

lalalalalalallala

I'm just lalaing around in BCP land.....actually, i've gotten some mild headaches and today i was kinda feeling icky...i'll assume it's from those tiny lil' pills...dang them! I can't wait to stop taking them... 2 more weeks.

So, i got my first package of shots.....Lupron. I start that on Tuesday......i'm really nervous about the shots....i mean, i know they're just the tiny little insulin type needles, but me and needles just don't get along. I've decided i'm taking my meds at 8pm......i'm suppose to take it between 6-10pm, so i figured smack dab in the middle would be great, plus it will give me time to be sure i'm home from work i can do low impact exercising and be all ready for bed.... Not sure how i'm going to do the shots yet...if i'll watch tv and just poke myself or if i'll play some music so i can sing along and poke.... i know, i'm probably way over thinking this, but if i think about it and have a 'plan', then i feel 'more in control'...even though i'm really not.....looking through the meds and handling the sealed needles and the needle container kinda made my forearms hurt...... i know weird, but that's what happens....that's how it begins.... my forearms hurt where they usually put needles and i gotta bend them and move them and then i start to feel kinda weird......not really light headiness, but like i'm starting to go underwater.....and then my breathing changes and then my legs tingle and usually by then, i'm getting dizzy, i'm clammy, my ears start ringing and i'm about ready to pass out.....

I'm hoping after i do one, that the rest will be a breeze........

So, Lupron...basically this prevents the LH surge, which prevents the releasing of FSH and LH which release eggs..... side effects:hot flashes, nausea, vomiting, fluid retention, muscle aches and headaches...... AWESOME...i'm going to be a sweaty, swollen, sore, nauseous person.....in the 100 degree HUMID weather we are having.....Awe.Some!!!!

just call me Mrs. clean...

So, i think i'm nesting....... LOL!! I mean, pregnant ladies nest b4 baby comes....i think i'm nesting b4 i go under and get pregnant.....
Like i've mentioned before, it's amazing what will get finished when you realize that it probably won't get done when you're pregnant and def. won't get to when baby comes.....so it's best to get it done now. And it feels AMAZING to get it done...finally...who knew that the talk of baby and pregnancy could light fires under our butts....


My new favorite thing this week that we..err..i mean I purchased...a rolling dog food container... yes, this little fantastic storage container is the
BEST.THING.EVER!!! I LOVE IT!!! I got it cuz i always lug the dogs
food over by her bowl and then lug it back and what's better then
a rolling food container that i requires no lifting....whoo hooo!!!
(yes, i realize i could just walk the dog food bowl over to the bag of food, but this fancy little container on wheels not only allowed me to go shopping BUT i had a coupon!!)

Off to find some more things to clean and organize.....

special tiny pills...

or birth control pills...whatev. Hubby refers to them as the special tiny pills....like they're magic or something. lol.

So we got accepted into the IVF program!! YEAH!! That's like a million tons of large boulders leaving my shoulders!!!! I feel so much less anxious and nervous..... this program will allow us to do 3 IVF and 3 FET....and if those don't work...we get at least 70% of our money back....now, obviously we pay more, but it's only like a $5,000 difference from the other package were u don't get ur money back and u only get 2 IVF and 2 FET(frozen embryo transfer) Soooooo....yeah on that!!!

Went to meet with the nurse today...... and i don't have to do any LARGE muscle-anna-nicole-smith style shots!!! whooo hoooo...i will not be getting an infected abscess in my butt and die. Instead i get to insert a wonderful little depository 3x's a day and probably leak blue icky stuff out the va-jay-jay....whooo hooo.... but, i'd rather look like i'm peeing out smurfs then possibly get an infection in my butt. So, win-win. :)

It was weird, walking into the office....it was packed with couples....and the sad thing was, is we were all there for the same reason...we want children and we needed some medical intervention...it also made me feel not so alone....like we were all part of this secret society or something.... The looks you give the other females, like i know your pain, your heartache, your dreams and hopes for future children.... I just wanted to know why everyone was there....Male factor or female issues or both? I almost thought to ask everyone to raise their hands up....but i resisted. There was one couple who left and it looked like she just had a retrieval ...sippin' on her ginger ale. Another couple was their and was signing in for their transfer.... it's just crazy...to know you're not alone....all these young couples trying to make a baby.

Soooo, i started BCP today...and i stop taking them the 22nd and we're looking at a possible transfer like Sept 7,8 or 9th!!! OMG!! That's like a month away....like 4 weeks!!! 30 days!!! OMG!!! CRAZY!

I think the best part of our conversation with the nurse was this...
me:Sooooo, can we still have intercourse?
hubby:chuckles
nurse: sure, if you want to have some ROMANCE, you can, BUT you have to use a barrier contraceptive.
me: chuckles...rriiigghhhttt

Yah, cuz ya know it's been almost 3 years....no baby yet...i HIGHLY doubt we're gonna wind up pregnant now...but all she had to say was triplets and the hubby can go get those condoms.... :)

Apparently, even though we're using BCP,when i stop them, i'm injecting my body with hormones to produce eggs, and lots of them and one could fall off and we could get pregnant and not know and they do the transfer and put 2 eggs in there, not knowing there is already a baby growing and then we could have triplets..... yah, so we won't be taking that chance...nope, not at all!!! seriously, no triplets for this lady.

wow...so i got this little calendar with stickers and such...fun!!! so i'm totally going to fill it out....how exciting.

Oh man, i really, really hope it works out the first time...