wow...

I don't think i've ever felt so many mixed emotions all at once....
I'm nervous, i'm scared, i'm excitied,i'm hopeful....i'm just about to burst with love....it's crazy.

Tomorrow is the day....the day i am reunited with my babies. I don't care what ppl think....cells, dna, babies.....but these are MY cells with my husband....these cells are turning into blastocycst and are forming cell masses where the baby will be and the placenta will form.......this is the begining of life and i get to witness it tomorrow.... I never thought i'd be so attached to my eggs, but man, i just want them back with me, so i can love them and nuture them into life......i think about them and how they are all doing...i hope they're not too cold...i know, what a crazy little thought....but i just hope they are dividing and growing and forming and doing what they ought to be doing..... I wish i got updates ....but, the lab said it's not good for the eggs...a 5 day transfer is better then a 3 day transfer, so i'm feeling good about that.....

Unfort. DH's job is a SOB and there's no one to cover his shift, sooooo....my MIL is driving me there and back. I'll even let them come in the room if they're allowed. I'm kinda bummed DH isn't going to be there, but i can show him the pictures and talk about the experience with him....as long as he's there when i'm actually giving birth...that's what i care about the most. It's crazy to think we're gonna have 2 babies to pick from....i wonder what color hair they're going to have, and color eyes, skin tone....will they have my dimples and curls or DH's nose and smile? I want soooooo badly for this to work....you have no idea how much i have been praying to St.Anne - Mary's Mother, St. Gerard - Patron of motherhood ....i have prayed and so far my prayers have been answered...i can only hope they continue to be answered.

So....here goes.....tomorrow i will offically be PUPO -pregnant until proven otherwise--let's hope i'm pregnant for the next 9 months too! :)

lucky14 19!!!

So, i had my egg retrevial friday....... it went pretty well. We got there and we're all like little kids about to hit the jackpot of good things and i'm in a gown just chilln' in the recovery room....so, DH goes and makes his deposit and comes back and i'm still sitting there....wondering if they forgot me. Then it's my turn...the IV tech couldn't find any viens in my hands beacuse they were freezing...so he's slapping my hands, making me squeeze his finger, he's poking around...i'm like, 'seriously, is this a sign?' But, it was okay, and i only cried a little bit cuz i was nervous and wasn't sure what to expect.....so then i'm like well, my other hand has some viens in it...so he's like do they have a hard time finding your viens and i'm like i dunno.....(i don't normally walk around with IV's in my hands)...LOL..so then he had me stand up...and swing my arms around and around and lift them up and down, and he's grabbing my forearms and squeezing the blood down into my hands and slapping them....all the while my gown is exposing my bare pasty white arse....awesome. So, a vien was found and i felt a little coolness and then i got dizzy and the last thing i remember was saying 'i hope i don't say anything silly.' And then i woke up.....i was totally out of it, dizzy and just like blah.. my eyes were watering and DH said when i was wheeled in i was crying and saying 'i'm so sorry i'm crying, i'm so sorry that i'm so emtional'....lol.
I drank some ginger ale and grham cracker and felt okay.... once i was falling asleep and the machine i was hooked up to started beeping and my pulse was like in the 40's and DH and i were like 'oh my gosh...am i dying?' LOL....
I was pretty sore yesterday, it just kinda hurt sitting up and walking...so i was a great couch potato.... today i'm feeling pretty good, except i started my vag. suppositories and so let the smurf goo begin....

They got 14 19 eggs --we're anxiously awaiting the news as to how many they fertilized and how they are doing.....it's kinda crazy and surreal to know we've got some embabies out there fighting to become something amazing...... i just hope they're doing well and i can't wait til 2 of them are back in their 'mommy' where they belong. It's werid, i never thought i'd be so attached to my eggs.... i mean, for the last month i've been sending them good growing vibes and talking to them at night to 'grow, grow, grow' and now they're not in there....
And worrying about DH's swimmers and hoping he was doing all he could to make them strong and awesome and talking to them....... yes, the conversations this past month in our house have been 'interesting.'
We were coming home and DH goes, 'sweet, i can finally have a beer.' What a trooper he's been.....i just hope this works the 1st time......and we get great news at the end of September.


****update*****
lab called and they actually got 19!!!
she said they must not have been done counting all of them -- (apparently, the Dr told us org. 14, but there might be more - i don't remember that conversation and DH just happened to inform me of it when the lab called...men!!)
so, out of the 19..... 18 have fertilized!!! 1 was immature.

so we have 18 eggs cooking up to be something amazing!! Now, not all of them will 'survive' til the 5day, but i'm pretty confient we'll get at least a hand full.
So, this bumps us to a 5 day transfer on Wednesday!! I can't wait to have 2 of them back in me growing......keep sending those great fert. thoughts and prayers...it's working!!

here we go now.....

woot! I triggered tonight at 730pm. Two shots....and now i wait. Tomorrow will be my first shot free day since Aug. 17th....crazy to think of what life was like before it revolved around my shots.
It's hard to walk...my ovaries feel like they're about to pop out. And i won't bore you all with my poop issues....LOL - yeah, maybe i will.....i'm a little 'backed up' cuz every time i try to go, i think i'm going to pop off an egg and poop it out...i know it's not possible, but....it kinda makes it hard to go when that's what's on your mind.....i'm glad to report i was able to monetarily shut my brain off and all is good in the bowel movement area...
Can you tell i'm giddy with excitement....i feel like Christmas is like 2 days away...DH and i are like two excited kids about to meet Santa....yeah, we're dorks. instead it's just my ER...egg retrieval..and i'm excited! Friday morning...we have to be at the clinic at 645a.....I'm Nervous, scared, super stoked..... I can't believe this is really happening.... Come monday i will offically be PUPO....(pregnant until proven otherwise) with twins!!! ah!

patience is a

bitch virtue. Apt this morning - I cried when i got my blood drawn and almost hyperventilated....awesome...i'm regressing.... :(

One more day of stims....go in again tomorrow for more bldwrk/ultrasound and maybe trigger... deep breath

still growing....

those follies. I'm still stimming.... at my apt yesterday, they measured 13 ..... and probably will still being stimming tomorrow too.....
e2- 1,362
Rt ovary - 18,15,14,12,11
Lft ovary -18,18,17,16,13,13,13,13

Yah, that pretty much means a lot of nothing to me.....all i see are that i have a group of 15-18's that will be ready soon and the rest better catch up.....by tomorrow! LOL

i have an apt. tomorrow....and really, really hoping i get to trigger!! I know, I know, i can't rush this and the way i look at it most days, is as long as my body is doing what it needs to do, then so be it. I'm just being totally impatient....tech it's 10 days stimming on the 9th....so really, i have some time....

So, i had to drive an hr away for my apt on sunday morning, watched the sunrise as i was driving there.....it's weird to see all the other couples....one lady must've been getting ready for her ER - and she had DH's sperm in a bag...trying to keep it warm.... tomorrow i will have to drive back to this clinic, since my clinic closer to home is closed today and i'm not sure there is an apt available....so since i gotta leave at like 530am, i doubt the closer clinic is going to be open...the 1hr away clinic is walk in only....so it's 1st come, 1st serve....fun.

*going to complain for a moment* I know i really shouldn't....but, i just gotta get this out and then i'm done...... i'm done with this process already.....i'm so over all the shots....i'm getting more and more uncomfortable...the bloating..i can barely even fit in my big pants anymore....not good. I have pain here and there in the ovary area, which is good, cuz it's letting me know that my ovaries are working, but then, days like today, when i'm not really feeling anything....i worry that my ovaries have stopped working....this is what i do on my day off...i worry about my ovaries..i worry about things i can not control and i know i can't control it....like triggering....i can't control when it will happen....i know when it will be convenient, but nope, still can't control it... At least the meds have been pretty good to me.... the last 2 times i did the menapur shot, i got a pink circle rash thingy around it...which the paperwork says is normal.....and it burned..going in and after the shot.... I get sweaty after i do my shots...so i know they're working..... Yesterday i went boating and sat for while....so i was pretty uncomfortable in the evening...i just felt icky...my shots hurt doing them and the menapur burned and i just crawled into bed at 9pm and started crying....i know i was tired and i think i just was doing a bit to much ........ I've only had one really bad day, when i went home from work and had the slight fever....otherwise, i feel like my mood has been okay.... I mean, i only have really gotten super annoyed like 2 times....one was over peanut butter, but only the walls got that hormonal outburst, which i explained to myself that "really? you're going to get this upset over not having any peanut butter? get over it!!!" and Friday at work i was feeling a little bitchy, so i just stayed in my office....So, i mean, i can't really complain....i guess i'm not really complaining, just more like getting negative icky thoughts out.... *complaining over*

Oh and i've been dreaming like crazy about babies and HPT's and dr. visits and pregnancy.....obviously i know WHY i'm dreaming these things, but it's like every freakn' night...it's crazy!!! Luckily they've always been good - i'm always pregnant, getting a +HPT or holding my babies....which it seems like there's always a 'few' of them.....

And weird, but i think i might actually be a little bummed if i don't have twins.....is that weird? I mean, i went from having panic attacks thinking about twins to really, really wanting twins.....to the point that i might be a little sad if we don't have twins.....what is going on????? Am i CRAZY????!?!?!!?!?

Next report - tomorrow.....fingers crossed follies are super growing and trigger tomorrow!!! that all is going well!

still stimming.....

had apt today ---i have 21 follies total. 12 are measuring around the same.....the largest on the left is 17mm, largest on rt is 14mm....the other 10 measurable ones are 12-14mm. The other 9 they are not measuring as they are below 10mm......so, still working with 12 good ones i guess. Everything else is good - lining is good, bloodwrk is good.....so i guess i'm good. :)

Meds stay the same and I go back on sunday morning for another us and bldwrk......she said maybe i will trigger sunday or monday....i hope so....i'm so ready to move onto the next phase....and stop being a pin cushion....

and the nurse says....

i continue my meds at the dose i'm taking them for another 2 days. come in Friday for another us/bldwrk.
My E2 was 140
i have 12 measurable follies -- 1 in the right ovary that is measuring at 14.7....
I asked the nurse if this follie will ruin my cycle.....and she assured me that it would not....

She said that so far things are looking well, my body is responding to my stim meds and that the E2 should continue to rise..... So, here's hoping that my body keeps doing what it needs to do and that this 14.7 follie settles down a bit....no need for it to get ahead of itself and the others..... ;)

Oh, blood draw went much better today, although i'm sporting a bruise that looks like i'm a junkie....it didn't hurt. Ultrasound tech....eh, i could've done without....she actually made me stick the wand in my girl bits...i'm like "uh, what am i doing?" and she's like "take this and shove it in there like a tampon" i looked at her like um, okay and then said, "well, this is new...i've never had to do this" to which she replied.."well,everyone does their own thing and is different' and then she didn't let me see the screen..... bah! But, she showed me my follies so i can see them for about 2 seconds. She so better not be the tech when we get to see the babies for the 1st time....i want my org. lady back!!! :)

So, prayers, thoughts, good vibes that my ovaries keep doing their thing, my body keeps responding to the stims and sooner, rather then later...i get this ER and ET done....so i'm that much closer to getting that positive result and on to my babies!