yah, the nurse lady that i have never had, the young looking nurse lady that is probably fresh out of school.....yah, i get the lady who i'm not sure she knew what she was doing.....so, i'm like great....um, just so you know...and i go into my mini speech about my aversions to needles and my body's response to either cry or pass out....but, the last 2 times i've been great. So, i'm thinking to myself...keep the arm straight....really straight, cuz that's what the one nurse who rocked at taking my blood told me last month.....um, i don't know what kind of needle this youngn' used, but i about screamed from the pain!!! it hurt SO BAD.....in my head, i was like omg, that kinda hurt....um...okay,i'm okay, it's okay...so i started humming and moving my feet a little cuz it was hurting and then i focused on the candy jar and started to say each candy and what i thought about it in my head so i wasn't thinking about the needle that was jabbing my arm and ripping apart my vein.... Well, it's now been about an 1 1/2 hrs since my blood was taken out and my vein kinda hurts....even doing this typing is kinda making my arm hurt....i think she broke my vein...lol The good news is i did not cry nor did i pass out....always a plus..... i think by the time all this is said and done, my needle phobia will be long gone....but not if this youngn' nurse keeps poking me..... i'm actually kinda nervous about coming back on wednesday and getting poked by her.... would it be totally rude to ask for another nurse to do my blood draws? i want to move forward, not backwards...forward!
Ultrasound: went perfectly...my body rocks by the way...i really should appreciate it more and really love it how it should be loved..... My lining was good, my ovaries are great and i'm just awesome. :) I was told i may or may not get a period and that i can start stims with or without it....so, that's good. I will get a call later today telling me my E2 level (estrogen) and from there hopefully directions on when and how to start my stimming meds.... then i go in on 9/1, blood work and ultrasound and then blood work and ultrasound like every other day til trigger time.....which looks to be a few days til i trigger. So, prayers of no hyperstimmulation (that is not good) and that my body continues to be awesome!!!
Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
hit me with your best shot.....
that's the song i listen to when i'm doing my lupron shot..... lol.
So, yesterday was a bad day......i started not feeling well Tuesday and by Wednesday morning, i was crying waking up, i cried on the way to work, i cried at work in the bathroom telling myself to 'suck it up', i left around noon, cuz something clearly was off.....i cried on the way home, i cried at home.....i honestly think i was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I was running a 100.2 fever, not to high, but high enough....i ate some soup, took a Tylenol, laid in bed and actually fell asleep for about an hour (i don't do naps).....woke up and my temp was down to 98.1.... i felt 1000 times better and i think my body just needed to recharge quickly...... i stopped the BCP on monday and i think the Lupron had started to make an impact and i think since i was so nervous about the shots the week b4 and i was just go go go .....my body needed a break. Today, i feel sooooo much better and lesson learned that i need to take it easy....i can't do everything.....the dishes can be washed tomorrow, the laundry can wait til the weekend....perhaps it was a good lesson that i'm gonna just need to slow down and really listen to my body.
Soooo, i got the rest of my meds...the $3,000 and some change meds....yah..but the good news is i did get some donated meds and i just scored another 9 vials of menapur and luckily right before my order went out...soooo i get about $600 and change refund....whoo hoooo!!!! I just unpacked it all and double checked it and then i just emailed my nurse to make sure i have everything i need. I"ll take a picture of it later and hopefully post it soon here. There's a lot. I even have a handy dandy little pen...it looks scary, until i read the directions and then i thought, hmmm, that's not TOOO bad. did i mention i'm tired of being a pin cushion...speaking of which....lupron is calling my name....it's time to do my shot and put on the PJ's.....
So, yesterday was a bad day......i started not feeling well Tuesday and by Wednesday morning, i was crying waking up, i cried on the way to work, i cried at work in the bathroom telling myself to 'suck it up', i left around noon, cuz something clearly was off.....i cried on the way home, i cried at home.....i honestly think i was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I was running a 100.2 fever, not to high, but high enough....i ate some soup, took a Tylenol, laid in bed and actually fell asleep for about an hour (i don't do naps).....woke up and my temp was down to 98.1.... i felt 1000 times better and i think my body just needed to recharge quickly...... i stopped the BCP on monday and i think the Lupron had started to make an impact and i think since i was so nervous about the shots the week b4 and i was just go go go .....my body needed a break. Today, i feel sooooo much better and lesson learned that i need to take it easy....i can't do everything.....the dishes can be washed tomorrow, the laundry can wait til the weekend....perhaps it was a good lesson that i'm gonna just need to slow down and really listen to my body.
Soooo, i got the rest of my meds...the $3,000 and some change meds....yah..but the good news is i did get some donated meds and i just scored another 9 vials of menapur and luckily right before my order went out...soooo i get about $600 and change refund....whoo hoooo!!!! I just unpacked it all and double checked it and then i just emailed my nurse to make sure i have everything i need. I"ll take a picture of it later and hopefully post it soon here. There's a lot. I even have a handy dandy little pen...it looks scary, until i read the directions and then i thought, hmmm, that's not TOOO bad. did i mention i'm tired of being a pin cushion...speaking of which....lupron is calling my name....it's time to do my shot and put on the PJ's.....
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
blahish
so, maybe it's a symptom of the lupron...who knows....but today i'm super tired, like i could fall asleep right now in a second, tired.....and i'm feeling like i could cry at any second......i'm kinda feeling blah-ish... i dunno what my deal is.... i just want this so badly to work.....i'm so afraid it's not going to.... and it's not like i sit here and dwell on the neg or anything....it's just i'm still afraid it's not going to work....i don't know how i can deal with that heartache. I don't know...... emotionally i just don't think i could handle it. I just want sept to be here and me to my trigger shot already......i'm kinda over these shots....i'm over being a pin cushion....i'm just tired. i could really, really use a little cat nap right about now.....
wow!!
So, i looked at twin belly pics....and the first time i did this i was shocked at how HUGE the bellies can get...i'm like, how in the WORLD does one carry that belly around? How are they not falling over... anyways....since i'm in this "downtime" - where i'm not really doing anything but waiting...... i looked at pics again....
i'm glad i did, cuz there were some cute bellies.....and the HUGE ones were like 35+ weeks, which also made me feel better that there were a lot of ppl past 35 weeks....and granted their bellies were HUGE, at least i'd know that would be towards the end. Some where hardly showing at 15 weeks or they had these cute little baby bumps.
So, i am done with the BCP as of yesterday...so i should expect a 'bleed' sometime in the next 3-6 days which means my body will probably wait 2 weeks just cuz it can.... i have a ultrasound and b/w on Friday and that's when i will know if i should begin my stimming meds....to make those eggos!!!! :)
i'm ready to be done with this process.... i just want to be at the egg retrieval and transfer part, i want to be getting my beta, which will hopefully be positive, i would love to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy delivery and baby(ies)
I just want this so badly, i just hope it goes perfectly.....ya know.
patience, young grasshopper....patience.....
i'm glad i did, cuz there were some cute bellies.....and the HUGE ones were like 35+ weeks, which also made me feel better that there were a lot of ppl past 35 weeks....and granted their bellies were HUGE, at least i'd know that would be towards the end. Some where hardly showing at 15 weeks or they had these cute little baby bumps.
So, i am done with the BCP as of yesterday...so i should expect a 'bleed' sometime in the next 3-6 days which means my body will probably wait 2 weeks just cuz it can.... i have a ultrasound and b/w on Friday and that's when i will know if i should begin my stimming meds....to make those eggos!!!! :)
i'm ready to be done with this process.... i just want to be at the egg retrieval and transfer part, i want to be getting my beta, which will hopefully be positive, i would love to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy delivery and baby(ies)
I just want this so badly, i just hope it goes perfectly.....ya know.
patience, young grasshopper....patience.....
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Day 3 - Lupron and other ramblings....
So, tonight was lucky shot #3........no problems. No side effect yet...i don't think. I do have a slight headache that's just kinda in the background, but i'd have that since a few days after taking BCP....i do notice that since taking the Lupron, i get kinda a pain in my shoulder...don't know if it's related or not, but it's never a problem, but like i slept on it weird or something....i don't know how to explain it and it only lasts like 1 second...... maybe it was because i was kinda nervous and tense leading up to my first shot....and now the muscle has relaxed. I am feeling bloated....much more tonight then yesterday.....and i just read about a lady who gained a TON of weight on Lupron and hasn't lost it....G.R.E.A.T....not cool. Oh, i do have one side effect -dizziness...just here or there, basically if i move too fast...but it's nothing bad. So, i'm not suppose to be extreme working out cuz the endorphins mess with the drugs...but i walked in place and lifted weights for about 45mins while watching a Made for Lifetime movie about a couple in IN in 1993 who gave birth to the 1st sextuplets..... yeah..and then i had to give myself a shot and i'm like oh man....please, please, please no 6 babies.....i mean, obviously, i'll be more then happy....but 6 is pushing it just a little bit....LOL.
Anyways..i also found this on a forum i was 'lurking' on....
Lord, Give me Strength...
·To keep my cool when another period starts.
·To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.
·To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
·To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.
·To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.
·To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.
·To make the right decision about treatment.
·To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.
I bolded the ones that apply to me. Perhaps the others applied when we first began this infertility journey, but i am just so happy when ppl can get pregnant, that i'm not jealous, i'm not bitter..... i am truly happy for them....and i think it has to do with what we have been through that i don't want others to go through it if they don't have to....it's a hard road to walk along.
It's helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Indeed, this creed i have recited numerous times along this road.....
Infertility is...
·Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own. (yah, i have done this when he plays with my niece and nephew or his cousin's kids.....but i hope that reality comes very soon)
·Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had. (haven't done this yet, but i've been warned it's coming once i start stimming)
·Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?". (i wouldn't avoid, but i always wish i had a great comeback....i try very hard not to ask ppl this, just in case they too are struggling in silence)
·Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences. (yup, this has happened --i don't really mind it, cuz i can learn things, but sometimes it can be a bit much)
·Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you. (or the whole universe)
·Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about". (unfort. this too has happened)
·Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying. (yah, i beg to differ....i wouldn't mind a baby cooing)
·Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren. (YUP)
·Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" or "just relax, it'll happen when you don't think about it." Easy, right? (oh yeah, i hated the old, 'just relax' song and dance...cuz then when i try to say i am relaxed then it looks like i'm really not....but i really am!! LOL)
Anyways..i also found this on a forum i was 'lurking' on....
Lord, Give me Strength...
·To keep my cool when another period starts.
·To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.
·To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
·To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet training.
·To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.
·To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.
·To make the right decision about treatment.
·To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.
I bolded the ones that apply to me. Perhaps the others applied when we first began this infertility journey, but i am just so happy when ppl can get pregnant, that i'm not jealous, i'm not bitter..... i am truly happy for them....and i think it has to do with what we have been through that i don't want others to go through it if they don't have to....it's a hard road to walk along.
It's helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr. " God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Indeed, this creed i have recited numerous times along this road.....
Infertility is...
·Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own. (yah, i have done this when he plays with my niece and nephew or his cousin's kids.....but i hope that reality comes very soon)
·Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had. (haven't done this yet, but i've been warned it's coming once i start stimming)
·Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?". (i wouldn't avoid, but i always wish i had a great comeback....i try very hard not to ask ppl this, just in case they too are struggling in silence)
·Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences. (yup, this has happened --i don't really mind it, cuz i can learn things, but sometimes it can be a bit much)
·Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you. (or the whole universe)
·Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about". (unfort. this too has happened)
·Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying. (yah, i beg to differ....i wouldn't mind a baby cooing)
·Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren. (YUP)
·Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" or "just relax, it'll happen when you don't think about it." Easy, right? (oh yeah, i hated the old, 'just relax' song and dance...cuz then when i try to say i am relaxed then it looks like i'm really not....but i really am!! LOL)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
cry baby!!!
Yup, i'm a cry baby..... so, i'm waiting around for 8pm to show so i can begin my shot. So, i watch the handy dandy shot video so i know i'm doing it right, hubby reminds me how to hold the needle and such....so i get all ready. I'm standing in the kitchen, i get the shot ready and i pintch my stomach and i'm ready to do it and i start bawling....like shoulder shaking crying....and i'm like 'i don't want to do this..' and poppa monkey says, 'i know, but you have to, think about what we're trying for, a baby.' and i'm like 'i know, but i don't want to give myself shots.' and poppa monkey's all like 'it's easy, just stick in there....1...2...3...go!!" and i'm crying, 'i can't do this, i can't do it..you have to' and his eyes pop wide open and he's like 'dude, you have to do it, what if i'm not here.' and i'm like 'ok, i CAN do this, let's do it, i can do it'.....and i go and the needle wouldn't go in.. i'm like, 'it won't go in, turn on some music'....so, poppa monkey gets all flustered that i'm not doing it right and goes to grab the needle and i'm like 'i'll do it, just stop talking, stop telling me it's easy...you're not the one about to stick urself with hormones that you don't know how ur body is going to react to.' so, he leaves....and i do it. It didn't even hurt.....i was like, dude, it didn't hurt, i did it....i was so nervous about how much it would hurt....that i felt so stupid that i was so upset about it......and it didn't even hurt.
So, for day 1- no changes, a little bloated, but i think that's from the BCP.....still feeling 'normal'
So, for day 1- no changes, a little bloated, but i think that's from the BCP.....still feeling 'normal'
Monday, August 16, 2010
scared.....
yup, that's me....scared. I start my Lupron shots tomorrow night 8pm......and i'm scared. I'm not soooo scared about the needles anymore...but i am scared that i'm screwing with my body.
I may not have always gotten a period every month or had perfect length cycles, but i know i ovulate and so far medically speaking....i'm totally fine. But, i've never been pregnant....so, i don't know if i can.
I"m scared about that, about what if there's something wrong with me that they haven't found yet...... i'm scared that i'm going to royally screw up my body.... i'm scared how the hormones will effect me.... i'm scared either i'll over stimulate or i won't stim enough.....
I know that in the end, everything will be worth it....i know this, but i still feel like i have the right to be afraid...... and twins....
I'm scared about really, seriously, having twins....and i think it's more about the pregnancy then actually the twins themselves..... i'm afraid of pre-term labor, i'm afraid of having to go on bedrest and not being able to work,i'm afraid of complications with twin pregnancies/births....i'm afraid....but again, i know that we would be double blessed..... and if we did wind up with twins and i got to choose the gender...i'd totally be okay with a boy/girl twins......
I'm just afraid..... i don't know how i'm going to be able to give myself a shot tomorrow....thinking about it makes my stomach tighten up and i get all nervous....
So i think i'm gonna try a 'reward' system.....taking ideas now....
I may not have always gotten a period every month or had perfect length cycles, but i know i ovulate and so far medically speaking....i'm totally fine. But, i've never been pregnant....so, i don't know if i can.
I"m scared about that, about what if there's something wrong with me that they haven't found yet...... i'm scared that i'm going to royally screw up my body.... i'm scared how the hormones will effect me.... i'm scared either i'll over stimulate or i won't stim enough.....
I know that in the end, everything will be worth it....i know this, but i still feel like i have the right to be afraid...... and twins....
I'm scared about really, seriously, having twins....and i think it's more about the pregnancy then actually the twins themselves..... i'm afraid of pre-term labor, i'm afraid of having to go on bedrest and not being able to work,i'm afraid of complications with twin pregnancies/births....i'm afraid....but again, i know that we would be double blessed..... and if we did wind up with twins and i got to choose the gender...i'd totally be okay with a boy/girl twins......
I'm just afraid..... i don't know how i'm going to be able to give myself a shot tomorrow....thinking about it makes my stomach tighten up and i get all nervous....
So i think i'm gonna try a 'reward' system.....taking ideas now....
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